Here and Now

Sadrok spent two whole nights trying to find the answer to his question, his Fire lessons had finished and a lesson on Water was to begin in two days time, and still he could not Channel without hurting himself in some way. His frustration was beginning to show, his behavior through the day was surly at best, downright uncouth at the worst of times. He found himself sent to the Mistress of Novices office three times in one day for speaking inappropriately to Aes Sedai or Accepted, and a fourth time he was all but dragged there by Gideon Gaidin for letting Cassandra Sedai have the rough side of his tongue one morning when she’d come to check on him and see if he had made any progress with his Block.

No, neither Cassandra nor Candance was particularly pleased with him at the moment, and honestly that just made him all the more angry. Finally he just stopped talking except to answer questions during his lessons, his voice full of the emptiness of the Void. He fulfilled his chores, attended and excelled in his classes, but that second day he wouldn’t speak to anyone if he could get away with it – and often when he shouldn’t have gotten away with it either. His foul, angry mood was as palpable as a miasma that followed him wherever he went.

The early evening brought some relief. None of the Gaidin came to talk to him – his disrespectful behavior earlier in the day had been enough that hey left him perfectly well alone to think about his blunders. And still, he had no clue what he was going to do. He was very strong in the Power when he could bend it to his will, that much had been obvious to all of the Asha’man that he’d worked with. The thought occurred to him that he was like a well crafted sword, new-forged from the blacksmith – but lacking a sharp edge.

He sat at the edge of his usual fountain in the Gardens, looking down at his reflection in the water by the moonlight. A sword with no edge was a sword with no purpose, so what was Sadrok’s purpose in coming to the Tower? He could have stayed in Far Madding and never had to worry about the Power. Other Guardsmen had risen high in the ranks there without ever leaving the city, he could have done the same. He hadn’t come here to train with the Warders, no.. he’d watched the Training Yards from a distance and then gone on into the Tower to proclaim himself one of those men that parent’s frightened their children with to encourage good behavior – a man who could touch tainted saidin.

Even so, he hadn’t been able to save Tadred, Maern, or Jaer. Captain Caeyl hadn’t seen what he’d done, and the wounds he’d taken in the fight had festered before they got back to the city, Sadrok was the last of them still alive, and he didn’t understand what he was doing anymore. He had joined the Guard because he wanted to protect the peace of his home city, that was as noble a purpose as any could be.. But for what purpose had he come to the White Tower? And why did he have a Bar now when he hadn’t had one on that day?

Then it dawned on him that he’d spent months in Far Madding unable to sense saidin and told himself that he’d only Channeled to save his life, he had convinced himself that he could only have done something so wrong if it was the only thing left. He’d rationalized it to the point of creating his Bar himself.. out of guilt for how easy that first kill had been. All his fury drained out of him in an instant, and he let the Flame die out. Completely and utterly calm now without the Flame and the Void, he stared up at the moon for several long minutes as he forgave himself for doing what he had to do to survive, then burst into motion. Running from the Gardens, he headed straight back to the Tower, running like as any novice on an urgent mission would to find Cassandra Sedai’s rooms.