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Officer's Picks - November 2006

Teirangia hadn’t slept since they were caught, three nights with no sleep were finally catching up on her, her once glowing skin was now muddy and lacked vibrancy, her hair hung in lank tails, its shiny pitch now gone and her lips were cracked from the cold. Dark circles framed her once glittering sea green eyes, which now looked out, darkened, their sparkle gone. She sighed, heaving another porridge pot into the scolding, soapy water. For three nights she had not slept, but for three days she had to endure sneering Novices and Accepted, stern looks from Aes Sedai and relentless chores; every free moment, every hour that the Tower was awake she was either on her knees scrubbing floors or weeding beds, on her feet washing pots and pans or hunched over cleaning out the stables and raking up leaves. Teirangia had never known anything like it, to be hassled so relentlessly was horrific.

At least during the day she had things to occupy her, it was at night that her thoughts trapped her inside her mind, causing her to writhe in sorrow and cry uncontrollably, her heart broken. She had lost the most precious thing in her life, Gaemalyn, there was no way he’d choose her over the Tower, the Tower was his life, it was all he had, she knew that much, no matter how many Aes Sedai said she didn’t know him, she knew him better than anyone and he her, no matter what he told himself. Yet there was still a flame of hope, which she fed unknowingly, deep in the back of her mind. One were Gaemalyn would run to her room, sweep her off her feet and they would leave the Tower together, get married and have lots of babies. Teirangia knew this would never happen, but that small hope at the moment was all that kept her going, kept her plodding on.

A tear plopped into the water, splashing wet droplets onto her face, bringing her back. She wiped her eyes with raw, red fingers and carried on scrubbing. The methodical process of chores and lessons, sent her into a kind of trance and before she knew it she was in the dining hall for the evening meal, her stomached flipped as she caught sight of Gaemalyn stood purposefully to on side of the doorway. She wanted to run to him, have him hold her as he once did, but of course she couldn’t. Instead she did what she knew was best for him and blanked him. She walked slowly holding her head high, feeling his eyes on her, to the food line were she stood knowing full well that she wouldn’t eat anything. Then, carrying her tray she stepped determinedly to an empty table, she couldn’t help but glance up at him as he came and stood behind her. Her heart pounded as their eyes met for the first time since they had been so intimate, she wanted to shout out Pick me! Please...pick me! Her hand reached out to touch his face, lingered for a moment, then thought better of it and found its way back at her side.

The whole hall fell silent and Teirangia could feel every eye in the room on them. Suddenly, Gaemalyn’s head dropped and she could see him fighting not to look at her again. Then he produced a bag, its hessian material giving away the lack of coin inside, she knew it was all he had in the world. He held his hand out firmly, demanding her to take it. She looked at him quizzically, she didn’t understand, why was he giving her money? Then it all became clear, the Tower was making her out to be a woman who sold herself to men, and Gaemalyn was being made to pay her for her services. The nerve! How dare they! She still couldn’t see what was wrong with what they had done, it was an expression of the feelings they felt for each other. It was not unheard of for a woman to succumb to male suitors before their wedding night, although it was never made public, there is usually a change in a woman when she is taken for the first time, a change that other woman notice. Yet they were not engaged and would never be if Gaemalyn was to become Aes Sedai.

Teirangia looked at the bag disgustedly, then snatched it from his outstretched hand. She was angry, more than angry, a hatred so vile was blossoming deep inside her, a hatred meant only for the Tower. They had taken the one good and pure thing left in her life and they would pay if she didn’t get him back. Teirangia turned on her heels and felt her broken heart pang as tears flowed down Gaemalyn’s face, they’ll pay Gaemalyn, they’ll pay.

For the second time that day, Teirangias stomach flipped at the sight of Gaemalyn. Her eyes sought out his face, he looked awful, as if he were about to throw up any moment, and Teirangia had that same overwhelming feeling to run to him. Her eyes pleaded with him to come to her and leave the Tower, runaway together. But his contained no scrap of the love they once carried for her, they were cold and glazed over as if he couldn’t’t see her anymore. He turned his head from hers and walked on down the procession of Novices and Accepted that lined the corridor. Teirangia followed him with Madeline and Sloane continuing formerly behind, their faces cold and grim. Teirangia held her head high, her deep stubborn pride made sure of that, the voices of jeering Novices and Accepted rang in her ears.

She knew what was to come but for some reason the expected future hadn’t quite sunk in yet. Her life since being caught had just been survival, to live through the pain of her broken heart breaking all over again. On no account in the last three days had she spent a moments thought on her other punishments besides chores. That was until that morning, when a pale gaunt looking Novice ordered her to Madeline’s office. Where, Teirangia was handed a pile of clothes, their colour was extravagant and bright, sure to catch the attention of any man, but the fabric was cheap giving away the wearers state of poverty.

“You are to wear these at your paddling this evening and for a full week after.” Her tone suggested that Teirangia should not argue, so she simply curtsied and left without a word. Once in her room Teirangia unfolded the garish clothing. She had, at first, been shocked by her new garb and aptly refused to leave her room on any account that evening dressed as she was. To her shame she thought if she stayed away, locked in her room, they might forget about her and her coming humiliation. But only a few minuets ago came the imminent knock that made her insides writhe and perspiration form on her face. She had refused to go, of course she had, she wouldn’t even of let Gaemalyn see her in what she had been given to wear for the next week, even though he had seen her in nothing, this, somehow was worse. It gave suggestions, and Teirangia didn’t like that, she liked things to be laid out straight and made plain. In the end they had to drag her. She couldn’t cry out for help, she wouldn’t let them have that pleasure and anyway who would or could help her? Teirangia had tried to reach for saidar and felt the empty abyss that had replaced it, but she would be able to channel again, if she was patient, bid her time and obeyed.

She shook herself back to the present, the voices of the forming crowd were growing louder, chanting. She scowled, Gaemalyn didn‘t look right, she suddenly thought he might be ill, then realised sourly that he was absolutely petrified. She had a sudden urge to touch his hollowed cheeks, caress his blonde hair, drown in his eyes. But realised she could not look at him, his display of feeling seemed to draw out her own, and those, at that point in time, she could not deal with. Too late. Her stomach clenched and she thought she might vomit as it dawned on her what was about to happen. Her face however remained blank of emotion, it told nothing of her writhing insides.

The laughter and rude remarks seemed to get louder and more common, one person got really brave and shouted “Dirty Whore!” and “Are you free tomorrow night?” The crowd roared, Teirangia blushed a deep crimson that showed even against her dark skin. She looked down at her new set of clothes, their bright lurid colours screaming at her for attention, she could understand their reaction. Her top was cut far too low at the front, showing the top of her breasts, and it’s capped sleeves leaving her arms bare. The material was near transparent and clung to her curves, exposing a very slight bit of pale flesh around her stomach. Her bottom half wasn’t any more decent, again the cut designed to cling to every inch of her body. The hem hovered just above her ankles, she could feel the gaze of almost every man and boy present, linger there for far to long. She remembered when Madeline had handed this to her that morning, a solemn expression on her face, but her eyes only said this is your own fault.

The sun was dipping below the horizon turning the sky a deep red, as Teirangia and Gaemalyn reached their destination, a great gathering of everyone in the Tower awaited them on the enormous expanse of grass. Everyone’s voices could be heard, chanting, laughter, it made her stomach clench into a tight sour ball, she was determined to walk out there with her head held high. So here she was in the early evening twilight, walking to a punishment that she didn’t regret now and wouldn‘t after it was done. In her mind she was resolved, she and Gaemalyn had done nothing wrong. She might think him weak at giving up their love so hastily and slightly put out by him giving her money for her service to him, but she knew it was all part of the punishment, one she hoped would lead them, eventually, to where they had left off.

Teirangia placed herself in front of the Mistress of Novices and saw Gaemalyn do the same in front of Sloane. Her heart was pounding against her ribs like a caged bird desperately trying to escape, mirroring exactly what she wanted to do that second. The crowd had become silent, only the gentle murmurs of exchanged whispers could be heard in the evening twilight, the crowd oozed excitement. She was going to vomit, she could feel the bile rising in her stomach, then slowly making its way up her throat. Gagging noises reached her ears and she was surprised to see that it wasn’t her who was retching, it was Gaemalyn. She looked away in disgust, the sight of vomit making her stomach surge again threatening to empty itself. She swallowed with effort, attempting to settle her stomach and remove the thick lump that had formed in her throat.

Teirangia bent over slightly at a nudge from Madeline and took a deep breath, all she could hear was her own heart beat and the raged breaths entering her chaotic lungs. The defining silence pressed down on her, threatening to smother her. She heard Madeline stretch back with the paddle, heard her old muscles flex as she pulled back. The tension was too much, Teirangia felt her eyes overflow as tears escaped their prison where she had tried so hard to keep them. Then the silence was broken by a dull thud as the paddle landed smartly on target. Teirangia felt herself take a step forward from the force, her lungs struggling to catch enough oxygen to stop her from fainting. She turned her head to look back at Madeline surprised that such strength still lived in the elderly woman. The crowd exploded, it roared with laughter, then grew silent again as Madeline and Sloane raised their paddles in unison for another hit, their paddles landing as they had the first time, Teirangia felt tears plummet down her face.

And so it continued for what seemed an eternity, the rising and falling of the paddles, the stifled moans and cries of the targets, and the crowd commentating on the whole ordeal. Then it all stopped and Teirangia was allowed to straighten, sharp pains zapped through her body and her behind throbbed. It was all she could do not to run and hide in shame, instead she fought through the agony and embarrassment and proceeded to walk towards Madeline’s beckoning finger, which had turned into more of a shuffle. The crowd had begun to disperse, she could feel everyone watching her and heard many a sly remark given in whisper but loud enough for her to hear. People pushed paced her, making her stumble, as they left, with no look of sympathy but of true malice.

Eventually she reached the Mistress of Novices who was presently talking with Gaemalyn, his face was despondent and showed utter sorrow and despair. Madeline noticed Teirangias approach and sharply ended her conversation with Gaemalyn and sent him on his way. Teirangia caught his eye as he turned to leave, there was no room left for her anymore, it was all consumed by his need to become Aes Sedai and it was at that point that Teirangia realised she had lost him forever. She started to panic, she didn’t know what to do, he was all she had left in the world, the only thing she loved. Her breathing became laboured, her throat grew tight, she couldn’t breath. No! I wont believe it! She fought back the panic attack, regaining control of her body. It’s the Aes Sedai, their poisoning his mind, turning him against me! She needed to think, decide what to do, she turned to go back into the Tower when Madeline coughed loudly.

“And where do you think you are going?” Teirangia turned, startled by the sudden intrusion of her thoughts.

“No where Madeline Sedai.” She stammered.

“Good, because you are coming with me.”

Teirangia followed the Mistress of Novices down the now dark corridors, the sun had set completely and the Tower now lay in a blanket of darkness. The corridor was pitch apart from a few sparse torches to light their way. Their footsteps echoed in the deserted halls, Teirangias heart pounded against her chest and she thought it must be just as audible. She wanted to cry and be alone with her thoughts, she needed to think of a way to beat the Tower, get Gaemalyn back, she would do anything just to have him hold her again. But the Mistress of Novices had other plans as they turned a corridor and entered her office. Madeline sat behind her desk with the speed of a tortoise, Teirangia thought she saw a slight wince as she slowly lowered herself into her chair, then placed her walking cane to one side. Good, I hope you’re feeling as much pain as I am old woman! Teirangia shocked herself by her own thoughts, the Mistress of Novices had been nothing but kind and supportive to her since entering the Tower, and Teirangia didn’t know where the thought had come from.

“I hope that paddling has taught you a lesson child, but do not think your punishment is over yet, no I have only just begun with you! I will not have Novices...no not just Novices anyone unmarried in the Tower doing what you two did, it’s unexcitable and I will not tolerate it under any circumstances. You are lucky you were not thrown from the Tower!” Teirangia winced at the woman’s tone, her wrinkled face showed no signs of the anger and disappointment in her eyes and voice, but that made it all the worse.

“I am sorry Madeline Sedai, I did not mean to...that is we...we got carried away...I..” Teirangia trailed off she didn’t know what to say, or what Madeline wanted to hear, plus she hated lying and she knew damn well she wasn’t sorry for what she did. Teirangia thought the woman in front of her must know as well judging but the scrutinising look she was now giving Teirangia. Teirangia squirmed under her gaze, the penetrating look piercing every once of her being. She jumped when Madeline finally spoke.

“Now for your next punishment. This,” She produced a glittering silver chain and on it hung a red stone carved in the shape of a woman, with one slight difference, the woman’s stomach was swollen, she was pregnant. “You will wear this until your penance is over.” Teirangia took the necklace from the woman.

“What does it do?” A tiny tingle of fear surged through her body. As she examined the charm a wry smile slithered onto her face as she realised what Madeline was up to.

“It is a ter’angreal, it will simulate pregnancy, your pregnancy, with Gaemalyn’s child. Now, listen closely to me child, he must not know of this, he is not to know it is an illusion. He must think the pregnancy is real. Strict measures will be taken to ensure this, so don’t even think about telling him, or, you will be thrown from the Tower for good.” Teirangia wiped the tears from her face and sniffed indignantly, how cruel life was being to her. But the wheel weaved what the wheel willed and there was nothing she could do about it. Why? Why must she go through that ordeal again and still have no baby at the end?

Teirangia nodded in reply unable to speak. “You may go now, and get some rest, you’ll need all you can get to prepare you for the ordeal ahead.”

I know. She thought darkly.

For six weeks Teirangia had been forced to wear the ter’angreal around her neck, its glittering silver chain attracted as much attention as her lurid clothes had five weeks earlier. She was grateful when the last day of her having to wear them came, she couldn’t even begin to put her joy into words when she handed the folded pile back to the Mistress of Novices. Teirangia had been told once already for letting other Novices see the necklace and been scolded severely for it. She tucked the charm back into the neck of her white Novices dress, happy, for once, to be in such plain clothing. She liked having the same inconspicuous look as everyone else, except now everyone knew who she was, Novices, Accepted and Aes Sedai alike. No matter how hard she tried to be invisible, hiding behind corners at the sight of a gaggle of Novices, shrinking into the shadows as an Accepted walked past, or never speaking in classes, she couldn‘t escape peoples knowing stares. In fact she couldn’t remember the last time she had used her voice. Her meetings with the Mistress of Novices only required a simple nod of compliance, a curtsy and that was it. She was ignored in lessons, never asked her opinion, she had lost that right. Her chores where done in silence. She had no friends left to speak of.

Teirangia was lonely, more than lonely, she had not had one kind word spoken to her for longer than a month, no social contact, nothing. She wiped away a tear that rolled gently down her cheek and snuggled down further under her blankets. Her room was cold, icy, a candle on her bedside cabinet was all the warmth it had. She held her stomach subconsciously, recently she had been feeling really tired, more than tired, she found herself dozing off in lessons and napping in the stables whilst she was supposed to be cleaning them. That had earned her a sharp word from the stable hand. Her breasts had become unbearably tender, sending rivets of pain through her body if anything so much as brushed against them. But worst of all, the morning sickness had started, there was nothing worse than having to clear up your own vomit. It wasn’t just restricted to the morning though, oh no, if she got a whiff of chicken from the kitchens, or snatched a piece of someone’s conversation that involved anything about meat, even the smell of horses set her off.

Yet still she had to work, do endless chores. No one had any sympathy, no one else knew except for her and Madeline. Everyone assumed she had a stomach bug, no one suspected. Yet. Teirangia knew one day people would realise and then she would have to live with even worse treatment. I’ll never live this down. My whole life in the Tower, that is, if there is one for me when all this is over, I will be known as the Novice who got herself pregnant. If I ever manage to become Aes Sedai I’ll have no respect. No one will take me seriously after this. She started to cry, why was the Tower being so cruel? She should of told Madeline, then she never would of considered giving Teirangia this punishment, it was just too evil. She curled up into a ball hugging her stomach. Teirangia had been pregnant once before, illegitimately, by her first love. When her father found out he had beat her so badly that she lost the baby mid term. Teirangia winced under the memory, and hugged her knees.

Gaemalyn, Her heart raced at his name inside her head, its sweet intrusion on her thoughts. What must he be thinking? I wonder if he’s worried about me? No, of course not. He doesn’t care about me any more. They’ve corrupted his mind, all of them. They made him choose. That’s not fair of them. They shouldn’t of made him choose. I know he’s chosen the Tower. I knew he would.... Sobs ricocheted through her body, her heart pounding against her breast threatening to split in two. She wanted to go to him, tell him it was all right he didn’t have to come to her, he didn’t have to be with her, he just had to love her in his heart and keep her there forever, until that mystical day when they could be together again. She would do it, she would go to him and tell him, make him see her again, make him understand. Resolved she flipped off her blankets and walked across the icy floor wrapping a blanket around her shoulders. She reached for the door knob, then doubled over and emptied her stomach on the floor.

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