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Novice Aiyaela: "Anger"

MRP part 1: Anger
Sun Nov 16 2003 9:40:04 pm

"You want me to what?!" Aiyaela shouted. At a sharp glance from the Aes Sedai, the younger woman moderated her tone to something more suitable for a Novice in the presence of an Aes Sedai. "I mean, I am sorry, Aes Sedai, but I am not sure I understand what it is you are asking me." Aiyaela gritted her teeth, trying to keep her face smooth. I will not lose my temper again! As far as Aiyaela, and everyone around her, was concerned, the young woman didn't even have a temper! Just twenty four this year, Aiyaela couldn't remember a time when she had blown up the way she did this morning. Why today, of all days? Why now, after so long?

Polaine.

The name flashed through Aiyaela's head, causing her to grip her skirts in balled up fists.

Polaine.

Even the name caused a wave of self-righteous anger to course through Aiyaela.

*FLASHBACK*

"But it was self defense!" Aiyaela insisted. By now, the gardens had been cleared of all innocent bystanders, leaving no one to verify Aiyaela's claim. The Aes Sedai confronting Aiyaela raised an eyebrow and shot a pointed look at the other girl involved. "But...she provoked me! She started it!!" Even to her own ears her voice sounded petulant. Forcing herself to look at the girl on the ground, she grimaced.

Another Aes Sedai helped the girl sit up. Once upright, she swayed but did not fall. Long glossy black hair was matted with blood from a small cut on her forehead, and more blood spattered her face from a bloody nose. Her right eye was already darkening, courtesy of Aiyaela's powerful left swing.

Both the girl and the Aes Sedai glared at Aiyaela. Aiyaela stared right back at them. She wasn't looking too pretty herself. Ash blonde Tarabon braids were disheveled and, Aiyaela was not very pleased to discover, were matted with grass and dirt. Many of the beads had fallen off the ends, leaving the braids to unravel. Long scratches marred one smooth cheek, and a dark red handprint imprinted the other. Blood trickled from a split lip to drip onto her torn and stained Novice Whites. Both girls had scratches and bruises decorating their bodies, and both sets of Novice Whites were ruined beyond repair. Sometime during the scuffle, Aiyaela had lost a slipper; now she limped on one bare foot.

"Whether or not Polaine," The Aes Sedai indicated the girl still sitting on the ground, "started it is none of my concern right now. Right now, we are going up to my rooms to have a little chat. Now!" she repeated a little more forcefully when Aiyaela didn't move. Aiyaela followed the Aes Sedai glumly, only glancing back once. She was astonished to see a small smile of satisfaction playing around Polaine's lips.

*END FLASHBACK*

Once back in Solara Sedai's rooms, the yellow sister was all graciousness. She settled Aiyaela into one of the overstuffed armchairs placed around the cozy sitting room and brewed up some herbal tea. "This has some mild painkiller and antiseptic properties," she explained as she handed the mug to Aiyaela. "And it tastes pretty good, with no ill effects on a healthy body," she added, taking a mug for herself.

Unused to such familiarity from a full sister, instead of relaxing with the Aes Sedai, as was intended, Aiyaela only grew more uncomfortable. She leaned forward to set her untasted tea on the table in front of her, only to be stopped by Solara Sedai. "Drink it." the Yellow sister ordered. Voice softening, she continued. "It will be good for you. We don't want those," she waved her hand at the scratches on Aiyaela's cheek, "to get infected."

Obediently Aiyaela took a sip. A pleasant warmth filled her, coursing through her veins. A not at all offensive taste, the tea reminded her of the oblong yellow fruit found in Altara. "Bitterfruit tea," Solara said, voicing Aiyaela's thought. The Novice took another sip. It really was quite pleasant, sitting here drinking tea with an Aes Sedai. If she could forget why she was here in the first place.

"Novice Aiyaela," Solara said abruptly. Aiyaela jumped, splashing the hot tea on her skirt. She looked down ruefully at the already stained and torn skirt. Well, what's one more stain among the rest? It was ruined anyway. "Novice Aiyaela," Solara repeated, forcing Aiyaela to meet her eyes. "Perhaps you can tell me what exactly happened down in the garden?" There was a hard edge to Solara Sedai's voice that Aiyaela found disconcerting, when combined with the gentle mothering air she had exhibited previously. Aiyaela didn't immediately answer, instead biting her lip and looking down at the floor.

"Might I remind you that attacking anyone, even a fellow Novice, is expressly forbidden in the White Tower? If I were you, I would explain very quickly."

Aiyaela had no choice but to comply. Placing her now empty mug on the table, she leaned forward on her seat, the exact opposite image of Solara Sedai's posture of repose. "I...I was walking in the garden with my friend Leilanni," Aiyaela began. "We had some free time, so we thought we could work on our logic problems assigned by Corenne Sedai." Punishment for talking! I didn't even say a word! Polaine, she was the one talking, and Leilanni and I get the blame! It is not fair, yes? "Polaine and her...friends were walking in front of us. They were talking about the lesson." "Did you see how Corenne thought it was that Tarabon slut Aiyaela and her dumb cow of a friend were the ones talking? Now they have double homework, and I have none!" Polaine crowed. The girls with her laughed and congratulated her for outsmarting the White sister. Inwardly, Aiyaela fumed. She and Leilanni fell silent to hear what else Polaine would say. "Polaine said some personal things about me," "Light! Aiyaela is such a goody-goody, and a teacher's pet! How else could she do so well in class?" "And about some of my friends," "And how did she get that gorgeous Dedicated, Rubin? I've had my eye on him since he got accepted into the Black Tower! Then she came along and stole him from me!" Polaine spit out the last few words, her disgust and loathing obvious to anyone listening. One of her friends patted her arm comfortingly, but Polaine shook her off. "She's such a flaming teacher's pet! I'm smarter than she is, but she does better in class than me, only because they like her!" A blonde girl walking with Polaine looked confused. "But Polaine, she is smarter than you. She studies all the time." Polaine turned to the blonde. "Shut up! I am smarter. And if she studies all the time, that's because she doesn't have any friends." A chorus of giggles greeted that statement. "And insulted one of my friends." Wait, she does have one friend. That illiterate orphan from Kandor. What's her name?" Polaine continued without waiting for a response. "That girl was in one of my classes. She can't even read! And she doesn't have any friends either. She never talks, unless you force her to, and when she does, she turns red and talks so quietly there's no point in asking her anything, because you won't get an answer. She and Aiyaela are perfectly suited. Why," Polaine dropped her voice to a whisper. Aiyaela strained to hear her. "Why, I bet that she and Aiyaela are bedmates." "My friend couldn't defend herself, she wasn't even there."

"So you took it upon yourself to defend your friend?" Solara's voice was icy with contempt.

Aiyaela felt her face flush, but held her chin up. "Yes, I did! It's not Daia's fault that she wasn't noble born, that her parents abandoned her, so that she was raised to be a slave. It's not her fault that she never learned to read, because she was too busy trying to survive! Just like it's not Polaine's fault that she had the misfortune to be born into a noble Domani house so that she never had to do a day's work in her pathetic little life!" Aiyaela was shouting, but she didn't care. "It's not my fault that I'm a merchant's daughter who didn't know anything about Aes Sedai before I came to the White Tower. It is my fault that I work hard, because I am smart, I do try to do the best of my abilities, and I want to be Aes Sedai!" She dropped her voice to a conversational tone. "The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills, Aes Sedai, but don't you think Daia got the short end of the stick?"

"It is not in me to be philosophical, Novice Aiyaela," The yellow sister replied. "but let's stay on topic, shall we? So what happened next?"

Aiyaela flushed at the memory. "I...I got her attention and then...and then I hit her."

Polaine had gone too far. Aiyaela balled her hands into fists. Leilanni, sensing something, grabbed her arm. "Aiyaela, don't!" she hissed. "You just get into trouble." Aiyaela pried Leilanni's hand free. "I can't let her get away with this! If she does, then there'll be another Novice she picks on, and then another. Light, she might attack Daia to her face! Daia can't handle that. And when she's an Accepted...I don't want to see what will happen." Leilanni didn't say anything. She knew that it wouldn't matter anyway. Aiyaela marched up to Polaine and tapped her on the shoulder. The Domani girl turned around, surprise evident on her face. "Can I help you?" She asked disdainfully. "Yes." Aiyaela simply said. And punched Polaine in the face. Aiyaela looked down in shame. "I'm not proud of it, but it had to be done. And," She met Solara's eyes and unconsciously straightened her shoulders. "And I enjoyed doing it."

Solara's lips thinned, but she refrained from saying anything. Instead she motioned for Aiyaela to continue.

"Then, I turned around to leave, and she jumped me." Polaine collapsed. Aiyaela stopped herself from smiling, much as she wanted to, and turned to rejoin Leilanni. She had not even taken one step when she was suddenly face to face with the grass with the wind knocked out of her. A heavy weight lay across her, which quickly moved as Polaine got up and flipped Aiyaela over to deliver a hefty slap across her face. Aiyaela grabbed Polaine's wrist to prevent another slap, and wound up getting scratched down her right cheek by the girl's other hand. With identical shrieks of fury the girls began pummeling each other, rolling all over the ground to the amusement and horror of their fellow Novices. "We fought a bit, then you and the other Aes Sedai came and broke it up." Novices!" A feminine voice thundered from overhead. "Stop fighting this instant!" The two rumpled Novices sprang apart immediately. Aiyaela jumped to her feet, but Polaine lay on the ground panting. Aiyaela curtsied to the two Aes Sedai standing before her. A quick glance around from beneath lowered lashes showed that everyone else had disappeared, leaving Aiyaela, Polaine and the two yellow sisters. "What has gotten into you?" the yellow sister Aiyaela knew, Solara Sedai, demanded. The other yellow wordlessly went over to Polaine and began checking her over. Aiyaela shuddered, remember the tongue lashing she had received. If only the other Novices hadn't left, then they would have backed me up! She bitterly told herself. Oh well, you got yourself into this mess, now how to get out of it...

Solara sat up in her chair, drumming her fingers on the armrest of the chair. "So what am I going to do with you two?" she wondered out loud. Aiyaela's heart leaped. Maybe she wouldn't have to go see Madeline Sedai for punishment. Maybe all she would have is a measly penance, with nobody the wiser. Her hope must have shown on her face, because Solara slowly shook her head. "Madeline Sedai has to be made aware of this. You will be punished. This sort of thing cannot be tolerated in the Tower. While the honour is there, it was grossly misguided. You wish to say something?" She quirked an eyebrow inquisitively. Aiyaela shook her head, so Solara continued. "You said you were smart; would you say you are smarter than Polaine?"

Aiyaela nodded without thinking.

"And what is the basis for your claim?"

Aiyaela bit her lip. She wished she hadn't answered so quickly. "Well...I understand what is being taught by the Accepted and Aes Sedai, and she doesn't. I work hard, in class and afterwards, and she doesn't, she just gets some other Novice to do it, or copies off someone. She doesn't try at all. She has no idea how to do any of the necessary work."

"And I suppose you know what it takes to run a noble house? You know all the Domani political factions and the weak points within? Do you know the Domani art of seduction, or Daes Dae'mar? I would be very surprised if you did. You were raised in Tarabon, yes?" Solara's voice lilted in mimicry of Aiyaela's musical accent. "Tarabon and Arad Doman have been enemies for generations. Why would you know these things? But Polaine does. While you know and understand the academics within the Tower, Polaine no doubt understands the social and political aspects. It is not a matter of one being smarter than the other; intelligence is relative. It is a matter of being well versed in a variety of topics. You and Polaine are both dangerously one sided in this fact. You know much about academics, but very little of politics. Why, you condescend to nobles; You feel you are better than them and treat them as inferior. How is that any different from how a noble treats a commoner?"

Aiyaela sat silently, absorbing Solara's blunt words. She's right, you know. A tiny voice whispered within Aiyaela's consciousness. I'm a hypocrite. I denounce nobles for holding themselves above the others, but in that respect I'm the same, no? And it's true, I know nothing of social etiquette of political factions. But what does a merchant's daughter need with this sort of knowledge? Realization dawned on Aiyaela. I'm no longer a merchant's daughter. I'm a Novice in the White Tower. A young woman training in hopes of becoming Aes Sedai. An Aes Sedai would need to know this stuff, yes?

Solara watched Aiyaela's internal battle with a faint smile. "You see, you are beginning to understand. And thus, the penance I set for you is this: You are to tutor Polaine in her classes, and she is to teach you about noble life, politics and social conduct within court." Solara's words fell heavily, like a death knell.

"You want me to what?!"

MRP part II: Denial
Sun Nov 16 2003 9:41:11 pm

Aiyaela dropped down onto her bed with a dramatic sigh. Her roommate, Galadria, raised an eyebrow at Aiyaela's entrance from her vantage at her desk. "I heard what happened with you and that Domani Novice." Gala's face remained expressionless, but her voice held a hint of laughter. Aiyaela flopped backwards across the bed, her gaze resting on the ceiling. "What did you hear?" She asked dully. She didn't particularly care. She just wanted to forget this whole mess had happened. But she couldn't. Solara Sedai's penance weighed heavily on her. And what am I supposed to do? I don't regret it. Not at all.

"The Wetlander Polaine Amait is telling people that you attacked her. For no reason." Gala's voice drifted upward at the end of her sentence. Is it true? her unspoken words hung in the air.

The first part is true," Aiyaela admitted, "but the second part isn't. I had a bloody good reason." Aiyaela fumbled for words that the Aiel girl would understand. "She has toh towards me, Gala. She insulted my...my near sister, and insulted me. But I have toh towards her as well. I attacked her when she was unarmed, when her back was turned. Solara Sedai, she said I may meet my toh by teaching Polaine what she doesn't understand in her classes. And Polaine, she can meet her toh by teaching me about the lives of nobles." Aiyaela sat up and looked at Gala. "I do not want to do this. I would rather do anything than have to spend time with that...that hussy!"

Gala met Aiyaela's eyes, face still expressionless. "But meeting your toh is not an enjoyable experience. It is meant to teach you and redeem you, not for a fun way to pass time." This time Gala's voice was scolding. Aiyaela flushed at the subtle rebuke. She pushed herself off the bed and sat down at her desk. She didn't like what Gala had said, but just because she didn't like it didn't mean it wasn't true. "Thank-you, Gala," Aiyaela said.

A flash of surprise crossed the former Maiden's serene face. "You are welcome," she replied.

Aiyaela pulled out her books. Her first lesson with Polaine was that evening, and Aiyaela wanted to have everything else out of the way before she met with the Domani so she could help her. The sooner she learned about nobles, the sooner she would be free of that flip skirt.

The library was fairly busy at this time of the evening. Aiyaela wandered around looking for Polaine, and when she couldn't find her, asked Kielle Sedai, the librarian, if she had seen Polaine. The Brown sister had, and directed Aiyaela to a dimly lit isolated corner of the library. Polaine sat at the table, head bent over her books, papers scattered across the available space. Aiyaela pulled out the chair across from Polaine and dumped her own stack of books and papers onto it. She grabbed a handful of Polaine's loose papers and jammed them into an untidy pile. "What are you doing?" Polaine snapped.

"Making room for myself," Aiyaela refrained from dropping a mock curtsy and referring to Polaine as 'her Majesty'. The girl was so vain she would probably see it for truth.

"I mean, what are you doing here?" The Domani gestured to the table and walls, indicating the library itself.

"I have to tutor you." Aiyaela replied evenly. The girl did not own the library; it was here for everyone's use. How dare she act as though Aiyaela didn't belong here? Aiyaela probably spent more time here than Polaine did.

Polaine laughed, a response Aiyaela didn't expect. "You weren't actually going to go through with that, were you?" She laughed again at Aiyaela's expression. "I don't care what you want to do, but I'm not doing anything." She looked back down at the book in front of her, completely engrossed in her studies.

Aiyaela gripped the back of the chair in front of her so hard her knuckles turned white. She won't, yes? Well then, I really can't do very much, yes? She picked up her own books from the chair and turned to leave. And stopped. Blocking her way was none other than Solara Sedai. "Going somewhere?" The yellow sister asked mildly.

"I...uh..." words failed Aiyaela. "No, Aes Sedai." She turned and sank into the chair her books had just vacated. Polaine, she was pleased to note, was staring up at Solara with her mouth hanging open.

"Close your mouth, Novice, you aren't a carp," Solara's authoritative voice cut through the tense silence. "You honestly didn't believe I'd leave you to this on your own, did you? You are children, and children need to be supervised." She pulled up a nearby chair and gracefully seated herself, pulling some knitting out of her bag.

"Well? What are you waiting for? Begin." She said when neither Novice moved. Sighing under her breath, Aiyaela pulled out her history notes. This was going to be a long night.

A week later, Aiyaela and Polaine were still working together. Objectively, Aiyaela could see Solara Sedai's point of view when she assigned them to work together, but subjectively she still resented the yellow sister for forcing her into this position. Polaine felt the same way, and made no bones about letting Aiyaela know. The worst part was that Solara Sedai was right; Polaine was smart. Very smart. Both Novices had realized within the first few days that they couldn't get out of these sessions, so if they wasted their time bickering about everything as they had, then they would just wind up spending even more time together, something neither of them wanted.

Aiyaela plodded on towards the library. She and Polaine had both been excused from their afternoon chores so that they could spend the afternoon tutoring each other. Aiyaela considered this a small blessing in comparison to working with Polaine. It was dark and rainy. Dismal weather, perfectly suited for Aiyaela's present mood. Unfortunately, she had to cross the courtyard to get to the library. She stepped out of the warm hallway and was instantly soaked to the bone. Ooh, it's cold! shivering, she splashed across and into the relatively warm, and more importantly, dry library. Shaking out her supposedly waterproof cloak, she hung it on a peg near the door with the others to drip on the white tile floor.

She looked around and found Polaine, who was equally soaked. Solara Sedai was also there with her ever-present knitting, looking as perfect and dry as if she had been in the library all day. Perhaps she had; Aiyaela was uncertain as to what it was exactly that Aes Sedai in the Tower did when they weren't teaching or, in Solara's case, in the infirmary. Crossing the room, Aiyaela plopped down in the seat across from Polaine. The dark haired girl already had her books and papers spread out. Several blotch marks where the ink had run made Aiyaela suspect that Polaine had dripped all over her notes. "You look a little wet," she commented, trying in vain to sound friendly. Then, before she could stop herself, she offered, "Would you like me to weave a drying?" Now why did I do that? I don't care if Polaine, she gets sick. Solara Sedai, she can heal Polaine, no? Polaine shot her a suspicious look. Well, it didn't make sense for Aiyaela to be helpful.

"That's a wonderful idea," Solara Sedai said. "And Polaine, you can do the same for Aiyaela,"

"But-" Polaine subsided when Solara Sedai glared at her. "You will do it. Consider this an exercise in trust." Solara's firm tone brooked no arguments.

Aiyaela embraced, steeling herself against the sweet seduction of saidar, enticing her to absorb more of the power, the light, than she could ever hope to hold. She wove the threads of Air and Fire, gently wrapping them around Polaine. Solara was watching her every move, ready to prevent any "accidents" Aiyaela have caused, inadvertently or not. Steam spiraled up from Polaine's hair and dress. The other Novice stopped shivering as the weave also warmed her. Reluctantly, Aiyaela released the source. Nervously, Polaine raked a hand through her dark hair, forestalling her end of the bargain. Finally the glow sprang up around her under Solara Sedai's watchful gaze. A short moment, then Aiyaela was surrounded by warmth. Sighing, she relaxed into the heat, feeling her clothes and hair drying rapidly. It was very difficult to weave something around yourself and it was very dangerous for an untrained Novice to attempt it. Therefore, if another person who channeled was nearby it would be safer to ask them to perform the weave.

The warm sensation faded along with the with light around Polaine. The Domani girl roughly cleared her throat. "Let's start, okay?"

In her seat, Solara Sedai smiled to her knitting. They were finally learning.

Lost in thought, Aiyaela was trying to shelve books. It had become her daily chore, to better help her learn her way around the library. Aiyaela's hopes were that when she was raised Aes Sedai she could work in the library and later become librarian. She laughed inwardly at these thoughts. It would be years yet before she would be raised Accepted, and even longer before she became Aes Sedai. If she even made it that far. Not if, she scolded herself. When. When I become Aes Sedai. She would be Aes Sedai, no matter what it took.

She picked up another armload of books from the endless pile and placed them into their rightful spots on the shelves.

"Aiyaela?" asked a girl's voice from behind the Tarabon Novice.

"Yes, Polaine?" Aiyaela replied without turning around.

"I was wondering..." Polaine's voice was hesitant; a first for the Domani noble.

"Yes?" Aiyaela prompted her when she faltered. Another first. The girl was usually so self assured and took pains to be sure others knew it. Aiyaela kept her back turned, still putting books away.

"I was wondering if you could help me? I have a law test and I need to study for it. Please?"

Aiyaela masked her surprise. Polaine was asking her for help? Not demanding or ordering, but actually requesting it. It seemed that today was a day of firsts. Aiyaela put the book she was holding away, then finally turned around. Polaine's face was tight and pale, but otherwise no emotion leaked through a carefully cultivated mask.

"Sure," Aiyaela agreed. "Let me finish putting the books away and then I can help you."

Polaine stood, indecisive, for a minute. Aiyaela waited patiently. Obviously Polaine had something else to say.

Surprising Aiyaela yet again, the younger Novice picked up a couple of the books. "Let me help you, then you can be finished faster."

Aiyaela struggled to keep her face as expressionless as Polaine's was. This was an entirely different side to the Domani, one that few, if any, had ever seen. Keeping her cool she shrugged her shoulder as if to say 'suit yourself' and continued with her task.

Half an hour later the Novices were seated at one of the tables scattered around the library. They had their books out, but had not done much studying. Instead they had been talking; about their likes, their pasts, where they hoped to go within the White Tower. Aiyaela learned much more about Polaine, and of the nobly born in general, within that conversation. She began to understand, in a way that she couldn't even fathom, why nobles were the way they were. It didn't help that her prejudices were now confirmed and nobles really were that shallow, self-absorbed and uncaring, but she began to comprehend why they are that way. And as it dawned on her, deep down in her subconscious the structures on which her prejudices were based began to weaken and crumble. It would take time before she could be completely past her ingrained way of thinking, but now she could be a little more patient and understanding when dealing with the gently-bred.

The dinner bell had rung. Aiyaela and Polaine reluctantly gathered their books into neat piles and made their way to the dining hall for their evening meal. Neither woman spoke; they had spent the afternoon talking and with the ringing of the dinner bell the spell had been shattered. They stopped outside the double doors to the room, heedless of the swirling crowd that pushed past them eager to fill their stomachs while the food was still hot.

Polaine turned stiffly to Aiyaela. "Well, I suppose I will see you tomorrow." The mask of indifference had dropped over her face again and her voice held some of the icy tones that were characteristic of the Polaine Aiyaela had first met.

Aiyaela nodded briskly. She didn't trust this Domani. And now, thinking realistically, she regretted telling Polaine anything. At least she hadn't told her anything personal, like her fear of Trollocs, her pain at 'Rina cutting Aiyaela out of her life, or her very confused and tangled emotions concerning a specific Dedicated at the Black Tower. Based on Polaine's reaction, Aiyaela guessed that she was feeling the same way.

Polaine turned and pushed her way into the dining hall, searching for her friends. Aiyaela followed at a much slower pace, looking for an empty table. There was a lot going on around her, and she needed some time to think over the things that had shaken her so drastically.

MRP part III: Shock
Sun Nov 16 2003 9:42:24 pm

OOC: Warning: this next post can be considered rather graphic. I don't know what the rating is, but consider yourself warned! *grin*

The days blurred together, slowly shifting into autumn. People came and went, classes began and finished, old friends raised or sent out of the Tower to be replaced by fresh-faced new Novices. The only things constant in Aiyaela's life were the letters from Rubin and her daily tutoring sessions with Polaine. She welcomed these because they were her rock, anchoring her in this chaotic sea that was Novice life in the White Tower.

She was currently finishing a response to one of these letters, just before she had to meet Polaine. It was a warm sunny day, one of the last for this summer, and Aiyaela intended to enjoy it. Leaving the letter on her desk, she would send it off tonight, Aiyaela picked up her textbooks and went down the hall to knock on Polaine's door. Hopefully the Domani would still be there.

She was. "Oh, Aiyaela." She greeted the older Novice. "Hi. Do you want something?" She kept her body between the door and Aiyaela so that Aiyaela couldn't see into the room.

"I thought we could study outside today. It's too nice a day to waste inside." Aiyaela's voice was expressionless. She didn't care what Polaine was hiding in her room. Really.

"Oh, okay. I'll meet you in your room in a few minutes, okay?" Aiyaela nodded, and Polaine eased herself around the door, closing it firmly in her wake. The click it made echoed back down the silent hallway. Aiyaela wandered back to her room, to finish the letter and wait for Polaine.

POLAINE

She channeled a thread of Fire into the small block of amber and felt herself growing warm inside. Forgetting that Fire was her strongest element she wrapped the piece of amber in a net of Fire. Because if a thread into the ter'angreal warmed her internally, then a net around the outside of it should warm her externally, she reasoned. She felt a warm pressure on her skin, akin to sunshine at midday in the summer. But the pressure increased, as did the warmth. She was starting to feel sunburned. And still it increased, the air itself around her was starting to grow warm, rippling and dancing around her. She whimpered. It was starting to hurt now. She tried to stop channeling but the ter'angreal pulled more saidar into itself, more Fire to wrap around it, a smothering blanket. The pain was intense. She couldn't move, it hurt too much. She couldn't scream. She couldn't breath. The air was too hot, it parched her throat and scorched her lungs. And still she grew hotter, the pain ever increasing. There was a dull roar and she felt her skin crackling. With her failing senses she was horrified to discover that she was on fire. Her entire body had burst into flames. Dimly she realized that she was lying on the ground; she had fallen. Flames danced over her body, filling the air with smoke and the smell of burning flesh. With neither the strength nor will to attempt to put out the flames she waited patiently for the pain to end. "Please, it hurts, Please help me! PLEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSSSE!" she tried to scream. All that came out was a wordless whimper, more of a breath than a sound. The pain gradually receded, until finally her glazed eyes stared unblinking towards the heavens, the pain over for eternity.

Aiyaela slowly opened her eyes. She was lying on the ground. Why was she lying on the ground? Solara was kneeling over her, concerned face inches from Aiyaela's own. Another Aes Sedai was bent over something in the middle of a charred patch of grass. Aiyaela felt the bile rise in her throat. Not something, someone. That's what that smell had been. A sob caught in her throat. That someone was Polaine. Polaine. Her charred body lay on the ground, nearly unrecognizable, amber ter'angreal clutched in her blackened fist.

MRP part IV: Guilt
Sun Nov 16 2003 9:43:40 pm

The room was dark. Her head hurt. She was lying on a soft surface. These sensations came to Aiyaela all at once. Where am I? And then the memories came flooding back. Polaine was dead. She was gone forever, and nothing Aiyaela could do would bring her back. As the realization sank in she felt the tears welling up. Curling into a ball she cried herself to sleep, where she could hide from the memories.

She woke a second time, feeling somewhat refreshed physically, if not emotionally. Emotionally, she didn't think anything could stop the dull ache deep down inside that threatened to consume her. Sitting up she drew her knees up to her chin and rested her forehead on them, and cried again, deep gut-wrenching sobs that tried to tear her apart.

Aiyaela didn't know how long she wept, but when she looked up, exhausted once more, Solara Sedai had come in and sat down on the only chair. Aiyaela finally recognized this place as a room in the infirmary. When she saw the Yellow sister her eyes filled with tears again. "Wha...what happened to Polaine?" She asked Solara Sedai, but before the Aes Sedai could open her mouth Aiyaela knew. "Light, why did she have to use it? She knew it could be dangerous. I should have taken it away from her. I should have gotten you, or another Aes Sedai. I should have done something instead of leave her alone with it. It's my fault she's dead! Mine!" Tears ran down her cheeks and splashed onto hands that held the blanket in a white knuckled grip.

Solara Sedai remained quiet, impassively watching Aiyaela.

"How long ago? How long have I been here? Why am I here?" Aiyaela demanded once she had stopped crying again.

"You've been here since this afternoon. You fainted and went into shock. We don't know what happened to you. We also don't understand what happened to Polaine." Solara's voice was soft, soothing. She stood up and crossed the room to perch on the edge of the bed. She picked up one of Aiyaela's limp hands in her warm ones and squeezed it gently. "Aiyaela, would you please answer some questions for me? I know it will be difficult, but we need to get to the bottom of this. Is that all right?"

"Yes." Aiyaela's voice was flat and lifeless.

Solara continued without bothering to sound cheerful. She knew that Aiyaela had been dealt a huge blow and didn't want to patronize the young woman. For that, Aiyaela was grateful. "Aiyaela, where did Polaine get the ter'angreal? Solara had to be careful not to accuse Polaine of anything, careful not to anger Aiyaela or worse, set her off weeping again. Aiyaela was blaming herself for this tragedy and Solara intended to find out why.

Aiyaela took a shuddering breath. "She borrowed it, she said. Her cousin, she is Aes Sedai, and showed it to her once. She said her cousin, she would not mind that she had it. And..." Aiyaela bit her lip, thinking. "And Polaine, she had it for a few months. Polaine, she didn't know what it did. I don't know if her cousin, she knew what it did."

"And do you know who this Aes Sedai who was Polaine's cousin is?"

"No, she didn't say. She did say that the cousin was out of the Tower though." As Aiyaela talked her head cleared and she began to remember a few details. As she remembered she felt the tears welling up and the pain threatening to take over. Too late she had realized that she had grown to love Polaine as a sister, a younger sister who needed her older sister's guidance. But Polaine was gone and it was too late.

The sadness, the grief, it threatened to overcome her, to drown her in misery. Struggling to hold back the tears she leaned back against the pillows. "I-I'd like to be alone, if I may," she said to Solara Sedai.

The Yellow sister nodded and stood up. "Child, if you need to talk, send for me and I'll be there for you."

Aiyaela held back the tears until Solara Sedai had left, then buried her face in the pillow, crying herself to sleep yet again.

She woke again, several hours later. Night had fallen and the room was dimly lit by two candles. She was alone; someone had come in while she was sleeping, there was a tray of food on the table beside the bed, but whoever it was had left. Good; Aiyaela didn't want any company right now. She just wanted to be alone. She couldn't cry, not now, but she wanted the silence, to sit and think.

Why didn't I take it away from her when I had the chance? I trusted her not to do anything, but Polaine, she was too curious, she just had to. I shouldn't have left her. Aiyaela couldn't bring herself to even think what she really felt, deep down inside. That it was her fault. Oh, go on, say it. Scorn coloured her mental voice. Out loud she said, "It's your fault. You should have done something. It's your fault that Polaine died." She felt a bitter satisfaction as she heard the words she had tried in vain to avoid. "You failed her." Her bleak words hung in the air. "It's your fault. If you hadn't have picked a fight then none if this would have happened. You just had to get into a fight. That's where pride gets in the way."

That's not true, a small voice of doubt whispered in the back of her mind. She ruthlessly shoved that idea down. It was her fault; she was the cause of this tragedy.

She swung her legs over the side of the bed pressing bare feet against the cool tile floor. She was restless; she had to get out, out of the infirmary, out of the Tower altogether. Digging around as quietly as possible so that she didn't alert anyone to her activities, Aiyaela finally found her dress and slippers. She quickly pulled them on and slipping out the door, ghosted down the hallway. She didn't know where she was going, only that she just had to be moving. Her wanderings took her outside to the training yards. Unsatisfied, she continued to walk at random.

A figure all in white, she glowed in the moonlight, an ethereal aura surrounding her, giving the appearance of a spirit, a spirit consumed with such pain and sadness that a person watching her could feel their heart breaking with hers. But the yards were deserted. She was alone, shivering slightly in the cool night air, moving, though seemingly aimlessly, with a purpose; a purpose yet unknown.

Aiyaela blinked when she realized that she was in the garden where she had last seen Polaine. Moving slowly, in a fog, she crossed the grass to the blackened circle by the bench. Dropping to her knees at the edge, she reached across the threshold and pressed her hands against the charred ground. It was still warm, the fire had burned so ferociously that now, many hours later, it was still warm to touch, a comfortable warmth that beckoned to her. Hardly aware of what she was doing, Aiyaela crawled across the sooty grass and seated herself in the centre of the circle. The heat radiating up from the ground eased her shivering until after a time she was unaware of the cold at all. Her awareness of her surroundings faded as she turned her focus inward, to her core, to the grief and sadness and longing that filled her. Unknown to her, Aiyaela had sent herself into a deep trance, where one had the ability to painlessly and easily end their life if they chose. Unknown and luckily, for if she had known, her guilt would have had her perform the deed without a second thought. But because she didn't know she just sat there, consumed in the guilt of Polaine's death.

Aiyaela didn't know how long she had been sitting there, it could have been minutes, could have been hours, but gradually the awareness of outside returned, with the sensation that someone was there, on the stone bench behind her. It had been longer than a few minutes that she had been sitting there, because most of her muscles ached from sitting, unmoving, in the unnatural position she had taken. She slowly stretched, wiggling fingers and toes gone numb until the feeling came back, before looking over her shoulder to see who had come. She was unsurprised to see Solara Sedai, serene face bathed in the soft moonlight.

Aiyaela didn't say anything, there was nothing to be said. Solara silently extended her hand, and after a moment's hesitation, Aiyaela took it. Solara Sedai pulled Aiyaela to her feet and just as silently escorted her back to her room. Not the one in the infirmary, but her room in the White Tower proper.

In her room Aiyaela peeled off her dress and left it in a heap on the floor. With effort she pulled on a white nightgown and clambered into bed. Weary beyond belief, she was asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow.

Aiyaela spent the next few days alternating between crying and blaming herself, and sleeping. But her sleep was broken because as soon as she closed her eyes horrific nightmares about Polaine's death sprang into being. In several, Aiyaela had come back from her room early enough to witness the entire thing, rooted to the ground unable to move or scream. In others she came back to see that Polaine had disappeared without a trace. In a few she had urged Polaine to use the ter'angreal and had to watch the other Novice burn and hear her tortured screams. Once or twice she was the one that used the ter'angreal and she had to suffer the same fiery fate that Polaine did. She woke from those ones shaking and crying until she realized that she was fine, it was only a dream, then she was filled with such profound relief that she was still alive that she would feel such shame and guilt that she would curl up into a ball and refuse to see anyone. There were the worst nightmares and only reinforced her feelings of guilt that she had caused Polaine's death.

Four days after Polaine's death, Solara Sedai visited Aiyaela. The Novice hadn't left her room since Solara had brought her up the night she had wandered into the garden. She didn't go to the dining hall to eat; she wasn't hungry. Her friends brought her food, Daia, Leilanni, Gala and even Sediara. The last brought her own form of grief, because in the time since Polaine, Sedi had been raised to Accepted. She just appeared one day, solemnly silent in her banded dress, bearing a tray of food for the two of them. Aiyaela couldn't muster up any enthusiasm to congratulate Sedi. "Oh." was all she could say when she saw the rainbow bands decorating the Accepted's hem. What else could she say? What else was there to say? Sedi, who had professed a weakness in the power, so weak that even she had doubted her raising at one time, was now Accepted before Aiyaela. First Cata'rina, then Sediara, and many other who had befriended Aiyaela had risen to the serpent ring and banded dresses, leaving Aiyaela behind to choke in the dust of their passage. And so Aiyaela had begun to doubt herself. To doubt her abilities in the power, doubt that she would ever get raised. Would she become the eternal Novice, as Arwyn had become Accepted? Better to run away from the Tower than face that humiliation.

Solara dragged the desk chair over to the bed and sat down facing Aiyaela. For once, her face held no sympathy, just scorn and frustration. "Child, how long do you plan on staying in bed like this? You are wasting away to nothing. Starving yourself will not bring Polaine back you realize?"

Aiyaela shrugged; she didn't care.

"Child, this is not your fault. Enough of this guilt. There's nothing you could have done. If you hadn't have left, then she would have tried it on her own elsewhere. This is not your fault. The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills you once told me. Well, the Wheel has woven Polaine's time and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You are not the Creator to say who lives and who dies, and if you die now, then that will be two people the Tower has to mourn for. So live; live for Polaine, live for the Tower, and most importantly, live for yourself." Solara watched Aiyaela to see if her words had any effect. They didn't; disbelieve was in every line of her tense body. Solara sighed heavily, defeated. She didn't know what to do with Aiyaela. She had tried, and failed. Now there was nothing left for her to do.

Standing up, she pushed the chair back to the desk. "I have to leave now, but Aiyaela, if you need anything, anything at all, let me know, okay?"

"Okay." Aiyaela replied listlessly. She didn't need anything. All she wanted was to be left alone. Alone with her guilt. She rolled over and faced the wall, hearing Solara Sedai leave. Once the door was closed she relaxed her tightly reined emotions and let the hot tears trickle down her face to drip onto the pillow. It was her fault, no matter what anyone said.

Novice Daia
Fear
Sun Nov 16 2003 9:44:49 pm

Dear Rubin,

My name is Daia, I'm a friend of Aiyaela's. I'm writing to you because Aiyaela can't. I don't know how much you hear out there in the Black Tower, but surely you must have heard about Polaine? Well, if you haven't, I will fill you in. I know Aiyaela told you about Polaine, the Domani Novice she was tutoring as a penance because of a fight she had gotten into? Well, a few days ago Polaine was experimenting with a ter'angreal of unknown use and died. Aiyaela witnessed part of it and was traumatized by the experience. She isn't eating, she refuses to see people, all she does is lay in bed and cry or sleep. I'm worried about her, she's wasting away to nothing. Please, is there any way you can come to the White Tower to see her, or help in any way? Before the accident she used to talk about you all the time. I'm sure that if you come her it will make all the difference to her. If you can't come, at least write to her. She blames herself for the accident, she thinks she could have done something to prevent it and won't listen to reason from anyone. I'm worried about her, and I'm afraid of what will happen to her if she doesn't get over this. Even though they disliked each other in the beginning, I think they became really close. Please, is there any way you can help her?

Sincerely,

Novice Daia of the White Tower

Daia frowned down at her blocky, child-like writing. After nearly a year of Aiyaela's tutoring she could read and write fairly well, but had none of the grace and ease that Aiyaela possessed.

Aiyaela. Daia bit her lip to stop it from quivering. She would not cry. Aiyaela had done enough crying for both of them. But that didn't stop Daia from worrying about her friend. Daia worried that Aiyaela had lost her will to live, that she wanted to die because Polaine had. Daia couldn't understand the attachment Aiyaela had had for the Domani; six moons before they had despised each other, but now they were the best of friends? Daia had to admit that she hadn't spent all that much time with Aiyaela as of late, because she was trying to catch up academically with her age group, meaning she had very little time to do anything else. She hoped that Aiyaela didn't think that Daia had abandoned her. Maybe I should visit her... She nodded. Yes, she would go visit Aiyaela, but not mention that she had written to Rubin. She didn't want to get her hopes up or disappoint her at this point in time. Daia folded up the letter, sealed it, then hurried off to send it before going to Aiyaela.

On her way she stopped by the kitchens, on the off chance that Aiyaela might be hungry. She wheedled some bread and broth out of Laras, and even managed a few honeycakes. Laras liked Aiyaela, they got along well together, and she was worried about the Taraboner Novice too.

Balancing the heaped tray with both hands she took the stairs to the Novice quarters two at a time, a big stretch for her tiny legs. A year in the Tower hadn't changed Daia much; she was still short, but instead of being skinny and underfed she was now slender. Boyishly slender, rather. At fourteen she still had no curves, and the yellow sisters doubted she would fill out much, partially because her mother most likely was slender and petite, and partly because she had spent her entire childhood malnourished and overworked. She envied Aiyaela's voluptuous figure, but knew that she would never gains those curves. Why waste your time wishing for something that wouldn't happen? Aiyaela doesn't know how lucky she is, Daia thought to herself as she knocked on Aiyaela's door. Not expecting an answer, Daia stuck her head in, followed by the rest of her body and the heavy tray. Aiyaela was in bed, like usual, and sleeping restlessly. She was dreaming again; she kept uttering soft moans and whimpers. Daia set the tray on the desk and then shook Aiyaela's shoulder in an attempt to wake her. The older girl bolted upright, nearly colliding with Daia, who was leaning over her.

Aiyaela blinked sleepily. "Oh, Daia, I'm sorry. I must have been dreaming." Aiyaela's lifeless voice said when she caught her breath.

"It's okay," Daia replied, running a critical eye over her friend. Aiyaela was thin, too thin, and her skin was as pale as parchment. Stretched tightly over high cheekbones, it looked as if it would tear if she smiled. There were dark circles under her eyes, strangely enough, because Daia knew that Aiyaela was sleeping all the time. The room smelled musty and of unwashed bodies. Daia wrinkled her nose. When was the last time Aiyaela bathed? "I brought you lunch," Daia offered. "Laras even threw in a few honeycakes especially for you."

Aiyaela didn't even smile. "No thanks, I'm not hungry." She stared down at her hands, plucking feebly at the white bed covers.

Daia bit her lip to keep from snapping at Aiyaela, or worse, dissolving into tears. She felt so helpless and scared. If Aiyaela didn't start eating soon, she would die too. Daia didn't know what she'd do if Aiyaela died, she needed her so much. No, Aiyaela won't die. She'll realize how foolish this is and stop. Daia firmly told herself. But she had doubts. What if Aiyaela didn't? Maybe I should tell Aiyaela about my letter to Rubin? Daia shook her head. She couldn't do that to her friend. What if he couldn't come? Then Aiyaela would feel even worse, and it would be Daia's fault. No, better to wait and see if he comes, then it would be a good surprise for her, and if he doesn't come, then she's none the wiser and he will still write to her. Daia knew exactly how deeply her friend cared for Rubin, even if Aiyaela herself didn't realize it. IF anyone could snap her out of this, it would be Rubin. Oh, Rubin, please hurry, I don't know how much longer she'll last...

Three long, anxiety filled days went by before Daia heard anything from Rubin. She spent as much time as she could in Aiyaela room, eating meals there, doing homework, even sleeping in Gala's bed because the Aiel girl left on the first night of Aiyaela's self imposed exile. In any free time Daia had, she was there, to do whatever Aiyaela might need. Three long days, in which Aiyaela's mood began to affect Daia, who became snappish and irritable. It was a relief for Daia, then, when the letter finally arrived.

She was on messenger duty at the entrance, her least favourite job in the Tower. A naturally shy and reticent person, any job where she had to stand out in the middle of somewhere drawing attention to herself and talking to random strangers made her uncomfortable. It was near the end of her time and the Novice who was to take over had just come over to Daia. Daia, who was eager to go see Aiyaela, waited for this last messenger to come in. He handed a folded piece of parchment to Daia, saying, "This one came up from the Black Tower, it's for a Novice Aiyaela." Daia grinned and thanked the messenger. She turned away, duties now finished, and was about to break the seal but stopped herself just in time. It had Aiyaela's name on it, so she should probably be the one to open it, not Daia. She bounded up the stairs and flung the door to Aiyaela's room open. "Aiyaela, this just came for you!" Daia made her voice sound more excited than it really was, hoping to stimulate Aiyaela's curiosity.

"What is it?"

Daia's hopes soared when Aiyaela asked that simple question. Maybe she would be okay. As an answer Daia held out the letter. Aiyaela took it and broke the wax seal without even looking at it. Her eyes lit up when she saw the writing in the hand she recognized. Daia felt like cheering. Trust Rubin to save the day. Aiyaela read the letter, Daia watching her like a hawk, and then read it again.

"He does understand, he really does," The Taraboner muttered to herself. She looked up at Daia with the first smile on her face that Daia had seen in a long time. "Daia, I think I'm hungry. Could you please do me a favour and run to the kitchen to get me some food?"

Daia grinned broadly. "Of course! I'll be right back." She felt like singing, like dancing, like sharing her happiness with the whole world. Aiyaela was going to be okay!

MRP part V: Acceptance
Tue Nov 18 2003 8:37:00 am

Aiyaela tore the letter open with trembling hands. Rubin had written to her. He, of all people, would understand what was going through her head right now. Her eyes skimmed over the page, drinking in his words like a person lost in the Waste would water.

Dear Aiyaela,

Light, I don't know how to put everything I want to tell you in a letter. Its just not enough. If I could, I would be there in an instant but the bloody M'hael won't let me. Daia told me what happened and you can't blame yourself. Please believe me, I know what you are going through. Remember, I told you about how the Whitecloaks killed my parents? For the longest time I blamed myself for it. I shut myself away from the world, I put on a cheerful face, but it was a just a facade, no one really got to know the real me. But soon I realized that I was not only punishing myself but the others around me by depriving them of the chance to really know me. There was no way that you could have known what Polaine was going to do. But one thing I have learned in my time at the Black Tower is that the world is not forgiving, forgiveness has to come from the human heart. It is hard to forgive other people but it is much harder to forgive yourself. I know you have the strength to do this, that is one of the things I love about you. So search your heart and find a way to forgive yourself. Please don't throw your life away by blaming yourself, I don't know what I would do without you.

I wish I could be there with you,

Dedicated Rubin al'Rebin

Disbelieving, Aiyaela read through the letter a second time. "He does understand, he really does." She said to herself. Startling both herself and Daia, Aiyaela broke out into a sudden smile. She looked up into Daia's face and was surprised to see relief mingling with joy. What...? "Daia, I think I'm hungry. Could you please do me a favour and run to the kitchen to get me some food?"

Daia grinned, and for a split second her face was no longer plain, but as dazzlingly radiant as an angel's. "Of course!" she replied. "I'll be right back." She dashed out the door and Aiyaela could hear her footsteps running down the hallway, until they faded into silence.

For the first time in over a week, Aiyaela realized exactly what she had been doing. Or rather, what she hadn't been doing was a more apt description. Since Polaine's accident she had been living in a fog, only partially aware of her surroundings. She had been so absorbed in herself that she had failed to realize that she was hurting those around her as well. Well, that was going to change. No more lazing around feeling sorry for herself. Everyone had been telling her that it wasn't her fault; now she knew, and it took Rubin's letter to make her see it.

She took a deep breath, wrinkling her nose at the smell permeating the room. Musty, from old clothes and not being aired out, and her unwashed body. She ran a hand over her braids, grimacing at the greasy feel left on her hand. First off she needed a bath. Her stomach growled. All right, first she would eat, then she would bathe. She pushed herself off the bed and up onto shaky legs. Holding the edge of the desk she waited a moment until she was sure of her balance. Light, I'm so weak, She was a little surprised. After all, she had spent only a week in bed, not longer. But you ate no food, yes? And this week, it was emotionally draining, if not physically. She reminded herself. When she had gained sufficient strength to stand on her own, she lit the lamps, brightening up the room to a cheerful yellow glow.

Daia returned to see Aiyaela standing, staring at one of the lamps. "Aiyaela?" she asked uncertainly.

Aiyaela shook her head. "Just thinking, that's all." She apologized to Daia.

The young Novice heaved a sigh of relief and, to Aiyaela's discreet amusement, plopped Aiyaela down in the desk chair and told her to eat. Daia started bustling around the room, tidying up, changing the bedsheets and so on. Aiyaela slowly ate the soup, watching Daia. The girl would make a wonderful Yellow, if she could just get over her intense shyness.

Daia noticed Aiyaela watching her and scowled. "Eat!" she stabbed a finger at the bowl in front of Aiyaela. Obediently, Aiyaela picked up the spoon. She was surprised at Daia. Usually so quiet and reserved, never taking charge of anything, the younger girl was doing an admirable job at taking care of Aiyaela.

Aiyaela finished her soup at the same time Daia had finished cleaning the room. Aiyaela hauled herself to her feet, still slightly unsteady. "Daia, have you considered the Yellow Ajah? Or even just doing chores in the infirmary?" Aiyaela asked as she gathered up the dishes. Daia, peering over an armload of dirty bedding and clothes, went pale. "Oh, uh...no..." she flushed, looking down at the pile of linens. Aiyaela smiled to reassure Daia. Light, it felt good to smile again. For the past week she had been in a fog, seeing only a blur of greys, but now, Rubin's letter had opened her eyes to see the colours again. And they were beautiful.

Daia looked up again and saw Aiyaela holding the tray of dirty dishes. "No, don't worry about that, I'll get it. You should go have a bath," she said. Aiyaela started to argue but was cut off by Daia. "No, I'll take it, I don't think you could walk that far. You just have a hot soak and I'll bring you a clean nightgown."

Aiyaela, finding no reason to argue, set down the tray and followed Daia out the door and down to the bathing chamber. She drew herself a hot bath and gratefully sank into the steaming tub. She leaned back against the side and closed her eyes. In her mind she went over Rubin's letter again. It is hard to forgive other people but it is much harder to forgive yourself. I know you have the strength to do this, that is one of the things I love about you. Aiyaela smiled softly. I think I care about him. I mean, I have only seen him once, but he's all I can think about. He obviously cares about me too. In fact, Aiyaela cared very deeply for him. Every time she closed her eyes she could see his caring eyes, one green and one brown smiling at her. She could still feel his strong hand in hers, see the moonlight rippling off the lake. She had only to look at the rose he gave her to feel all those strong feelings welling up. And he knew what she was going through. He said he wanted to be with her right now but couldn't, and that meant the world to her. Light, she wanted to be with him as much as she wanted to be Aes Sedai! She sat up in the bath with a splash, shocked at the direction her thoughts had taken. She wanted to badly to be Aes Sedai. No, she declared firmly. I want to be Aes Sedai more than anything in the world. She wanted to be with him, but wouldn't risk leaving the White Tower. But could she balance the two? She would stay in the Tower, there was no question of that. She had a mission now. She had to stay in the Tower, for Polaine. She had to make sure nobody went through what Polaine had gone through. And what better way to do so than by cataloguing every ter'angreal known to the Tower? Both Towers. And going out to track down those scattered across the world, so that the Aes Sedai know where there are. And studying those with unknown use, so that what happened to Polaine won't happen again. Aiyaela nodded to herself. She would find and study every ter'angreal she could, if she spent her life doing it. It would be a long, and difficult task, but Aiyaela had to do it. She owed it to Polaine, to the White Tower, to herself. And she wouldn't have to moulder away in the library. Aiyaela had always been adventurous, and if it hadn't been so interesting and busy in her classes, Aiyaela would have gone out of her mind with boredom, being forced to stay in the same place for the five years she had been a Novice.

The water was getting cold; Aiyaela decided that she had been soaking long enough. She attacked herself with the soap and sponge, rubbing her skin until it was red and sore. The pain felt good; it reminded her that she was alive. "Polaine, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I will make it up to you." she said aloud to the empty room. "I will study the ter'angreal, so that what happened to you will not happen again. And I won't judge people. I judged you, I thought you were just a spoiled noble, and look where that led. From now on, just because someone's noble born doesn't mean that they are not worth knowing. Life is too short to waste disliking someone you don't even know. I'll do my best to change. It will be difficult, but I will try my hardest." Immediately Aiyaela felt as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She had a purpose, a goal to work towards. Daia came into the room with some clean clothing, driving all thoughts but one clean out of Aiyaela's head. I will be Aes Sedai.

Several days went by before Aiyaela felt strong enough to return to her classes. In the meantime, she ate, slept and wrote a letter to Rubin. It was very hard for her to put into words how she felt, but she tried, over and over, until she thought she had found something that might work.

Dear Rubin,

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your letter. I would like to be with you more than anything right now, but I know that it is not possible, so I have to content myself with reading and re-reading your letters. You were right, I can't blame myself for Polaine's death, I see that now. Before I got your letter though, I truly felt that it was my fault, and it was eating me up inside. You see, I knew Polaine had the ter'angreal, but I didn't do anything about it. I trusted her not to do anything, but as soon as my back was turned she used it. I still feel responsible, but I know that won't get me anywhere. It took you letter, knowing what you have been through, to make me realize that.

How to word this part? Aiyaela wondered. How could she tell Rubin, in writing, that she cared for him, cared so much that it hurt that she couldn't be with him? "I love him." she said to her room. And she did, she really did. That frightened her. How could she love someone she barely knew? But if love was when you thought of someone all the time, when your heart started pounding at the thought of a letter from him, when he could make you see reason in your bleakest hour, when you valued his live above your own and knew that he did the same, then yes, it was love. And she couldn't do anything about it. He was in Andor, near Caemlyn and she was in Tar Valon, both unable to leave their respective Towers. With a sigh Aiyaela just wrote what came to mind.

Rubin, I care about you very much, and I don't know what I would do without you. But I just don't see how this could work. We are so far away from each other, with very little opportunity to see each other. But I'm willing to give it a try if you are. You are always in my thoughts.

Yours, always,

Aiyaela

Digging around on her desk, she found the signet ring Rubin had sent to her not that long ago. She sealed the letter with red wax and pressed the ring firmly into the cooling blob. The dragon twined around the rose, ensnaring the flower in its gentle embrace, just as Rubin had ensnared Aiyaela's heart.

Aiyaela woke early, before dawn. Today was going to be her first day back in her classes. Rising quietly, she made her way down to the bathing chamber, where she washed up and put on a scratchy Novice dress. Before going back to her room she paused in front of the mirror and really looked at herself. Huge brown eyes stared out of a gaunt face. Her nose looked even more beaklike when compared to her prominent cheekbones and pouty mouth. Her body...her curves were still there, but angular rather than voluptuous. Her ash blonde braids hung limp around her face. She reached a slender fingered hand up to touch the end of the ragged braids. They needed to be redone. Or...

Aiyaela rushed back to her room. She had time, but she needed Daia's help. The girl was still sleeping in Aiyaela's room, so Aiyaela woke her up and explained her idea. Daia grumbled but readily agreed.

"Daia?" Aiyaela asked ten minutes later. She was sitting in her desk chair, and Daia was fiddling around behind her.

"Yes?" Daia replied.

"You know how you talk about everyone having a Purpose in life? What do you mean by that?"

"Oh." Daia was taken aback, Aiyaela could hear it in her voice. She waited patiently. After a pause, Daia continued. "Well, I believe that everyone has a fated Purpose in life, given to them by the Creator at their birth. It's their job to discover what their Purpose is and to fulfill it."

Aiyaela thought for a moment. "Daia, I think you're right. And now I think that I have discovered my Purpose. My Purpose is to prevent another accident like Polaine's from happening. To track down all objects that use the one power, so that we know what they are and where they are. I didn't used to believe in fate, but now I have reason to think otherwise. And at least by accepting what fate and the gods have served me, I can work with it and be happy, rather than fight it all the time and miss the big picture."

"The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills," Daia recited. "We are all a part of the tapestry of life, and no one knows the length of their thread. Some are long, others short, but all make up and affect the picture. Polaine had the misfortune to be a short thread, but that doesn't make her any less important than one with a longer strand. Rather, she is more important, because her short thread influenced the weave of longer threads like yours. You can't change the weave of the Lace of Ages."

Aiyaela shivered. Daia was always so insightful that Aiyaela frequently forgot that Daia was only fifteen years old. Because of her childhood the Kandori girl was forced to grow up too quickly, and it showed at certain times like this one. Aiyaela didn't know what to say so she sat silently. Daia didn't say anything either. What more could she say?

Several minutes later Daia finished what she was doing and led Aiyaela to the mirror. For the second time that morning Aiyaela stared at her reflection. This time, however, her ash blonde hair hung in a shining curtain, cut off at her jaw. She tucked the hair behind her ears, admiring the effect. For the first time in over ten years her hair wasn't braided in the Tarabon style. It felt lighter, freer, like she did. She spontaneously hugged Daia, who was shocked but managed to return the embrace. "Thank you, Daia. Thank you for everything." she said. Daia blushed and looked at the floor. "You're welcome." she looked up and smiled at Aiyaela, again with that radiant smile. "That's what friends are for."

The Novices ate a quick breakfast then went to their respective classes. Aiyaela hesitated outside the door to her history class. Tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear, she said to herself, "Things are returning to normal." Taking a deep breath she pushed open the door and went in.

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