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Garnet Sei'Tar, Dillan Gaidar, & Elienna Sedai

Garnet Ayriel do Jin a'Lucien
Hands Clean
Sun Jun 20, 2004 4:03am

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much

Oh, this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You're kind of my protégée and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

Oh, this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
I've more than honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this…

It was a long time ago. Or at least, so it seems now, although...no, it couldn't be more than a few months. She's gone; she's left, and I have to find a way to handle this alone. Why didn't she understand that I can never be what she was, I can never do as well as she did? Why couldn't she stay with me? Why, above all, couldn't she love me? She didn't love me. She loved...no, I won't write her name. It aches to even think of her. Hurts worse to remember when I saw them. This is what love brings, everyone tells me. Not that I have told anyone about her. It would destroy her memory, somehow.

I never fell in love before. I didn't...understand love. Everyone around me felt its pains and passions, were as bright and joyous as the Creator when in love and sadder than anyone could expect when rejected. They didn't seem to make any sense at all. No one should be that important, not at all. They wouldn't share their partners, they got upset when I tried to find a way into their beds. Now, the memories make me blush. If I had only known then what I know now, I'd never have tried. They deserve happiness, or at least most of them do, and if some don't then I'll not interfere. She would not have interfered. She was strong.

What did I do to deserve this punishment? Or maybe she didn't think it was a punishment at all, maybe she thought it was a reward. Maybe she thought that I would be up to this challenge. But I'm not, not really – I'm not ready for this. I don't know what to do.

When I look back now, I can see it. I can see how, every day, she was changing me, shaping me, creating me. All the time, she was so careful to make me exactly what she needed me to be. And she did it without ever damaging me, without changing me more than she had to. Maybe she could see something in me that I cannot. Maybe I am meant to take her place - but I don't know, I honestly don't know any more. It's such a huge responsibility, and before now I've not been responsible for anything at all, except myself. And to give me so many people to guard and guide - Light, I hope she really did know what she was doing.

I will do the best I can. I'll live up to her expectations. I can do this, she wouldn't have left me alone here if I couldn't.

And maybe in time she'll be back, when she and...when she repairs the damage I did. Light help me, Dillan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean...

Dillan al'Tierney Gaidar, Mistress of Arms
I: Kind Of My Protégée
Sun Jun 20, 2004 4:04am

OOC: Think of this as one giant flashback. The catch is that the post before this one takes place in the future, and this is current time. We good with that? Excellent. Read on, then...

The Mistress of Arms stretched luxuriously, allowing every muscle in her body to flex. She yawned, eyes squinting shut against the sunlight. Most of the trainees were still fast asleep, as they should be - it was scarcely dawn. Dillan, though, was wide awake and ready to go. She had made her decision. The White Tower needed a new Mistress of Arms, one who would do far better than she ever could. And yes, she was being selfish too: the Tower would probably do fine with her as the Mistress of Arms, but Donica would not, and Dillan's loyalty lay with Donica. She would not be tied to the Tower like this, not when her Aes Sedai wanted to do so many things, go so many places. No one could stop her now.

However, she couldn't leave them without anyone at all, and it would work best to present the entire exercise as a fait accompli. Hence the early rising, the patient wait until the Sei'Tar she'd picked out arrived. Dillan had been watching them all, they and the Aethan'Tar, deciding which would be best suited to take her place. The final choice would probably have surprised a lot of people, if she'd only told them. Garnet Ayriel do Jin a'Lucien was well known among her fellow trainees, not to mention the Gaidin and Gaidar. She was - there was not really a kind way to put it - a flipskirt.

Luckily, being prim and proper was not part of the Mistress of Arms' job description. Dillan could hardly lay claim to that description in any case, not knowing what she'd done with Donica. If the Aes Sedai had only known how far their relationship had developed while Doni was still just a Novice, the Gaidar was willing to bet the pair of them would have been booted unceremoniously out of the Tower. At the very least Dillan would have been kicked out; Aes Sedai were not always keen to get rid of their precious Novices, but Sei'Tar were another story. There were always plenty of Sei'Tar.

Right now she was extremely glad that there were plenty of Sei'Tar, since it gave her far more choices. Not all of them would become Gaidin or Gaidar, of course, and only one would ever replace her. That one had to become Gaidar at all costs, no matter what it took, no matter whether or not she wanted to do it. Dillan knew Garnet would not appreciate being forced into the position, but there was no help for it; she would be perfect. Responsibility would be good for her, and she learned so fast and so well that there was no way she would not be able to handle it. Plus, she would work well with Rysor. The Sei'Tar seemed to get along well with almost anyone, probably partially due to how easily she drew them into bed.

That wasn't the point, though. The point was that she would do well, and she would enjoy it. How could she not? She'd know every time a new trainee arrived, and would get to see them in person. If rumour had it correct, the last Head Gaidar had had a habit of attempting to seduce the new male trainees if they were handsome enough. Garnet could do exactly the same, if she liked. The Aethan'Tar were all big enough to look after themselves. Justifying your actions, now, Dillan? the little voice inside her mind asked. The Gaidar grinned, and stretched again.

Light sparked off a hint of red, approaching her fairly swiftly. Garnet, of course, dressed in sensible clothing at least, her curly auburn hair swept back into a ponytail. The smile she gave the Mistress of Arms was as seductive as ever, and Dillan grinned back impudently. She was starting to enjoy spending time with Garnet, for no reason other than that the girl simply didn't stop flirting and it was amusing to ignore her suggestive remarks and act innocent.

"Good morning, Garnet," she said cheerfully. "Ready to train, then?"

Garnet Ayriel do Jin a'Lucien Sei'Tar
Guidance
Sun Jun 20, 2004 4:04am

She was ready bright and early, curious and uncertain. Trainees didn't just get asked to show up for a training sessions with the Mistress of Arms – it was unheard of! But it had just happened. Garnet wasn't quite sure what had provoked this, but she wasn't about to turn it down. If Dillan wanted her, then Dillan should have that - and that could be interpreted in more than one way. The Gaidar was, in Garnet's practised opinion, really quite cute. You couldn't call her exactly beautiful, not in a classical sense at least, but she was attractive, and when she danced - either with a sword or a partner - she became spellbinding. Plus, of course, she was the Mistress of Arms, and power was often quite a turn-on.

The problem was that she was in love with an Aes Sedai, a Sea Folk named Twilla. This was not something that made an affair with the woman impossible, or at least it shouldn't have been. And yet...and yet she wouldn't even flirt, let alone anything more. Her devotion to the Sea Folk woman was touching, but entirely misplaced, Garnet was sure of it. Twilla Sedai wouldn't mind at all. Dillan was still proving impervious to her every attempt at seduction. It was as though they were playing a game, possibly one called Get Dillan Into Bed, and Garnet was definitely losing. But this extra training session boded well. Maybe Dillan was coming to her senses at last.

Logically, therefore, Garnet had chosen clothing that could possibly be considered slightly indecent. Sure, she was wearing enough to cover her body, but the laces of her shirt exposed more skin than a more modest woman would have allowed, and the shirt itself hugged her figure tightly, as did her breeches. The thing was that the clothes were still eminently suitable for training. Flipskirt she might be - she knew what her companions called her, and revelled in the title - but she was also a warrior, and one who needed to make a good impression on her leader right now.

Unfortunately, the impression she apparently gave Dillan was not the one she'd wanted. The Mistress of Arms paid absolutely no attention to her exposed skin, simply grinning in response to Garnet's most seductive smile and greeting her cheerfully. The Sei'Tar resisted the urge to pout, reminding herself that although a pout could be quite becoming at times, Dillan was not the sort of woman to be affected by it - or at least not in a good way, since she could easily become irritated. And if Dillan became irritated, then she might call the training off, and another opportunity to play Get Dillan Into Bed would be lost.

"More than ready," she said brightly in response to the Gaidar's query. "What do you propose we start with?" Dillan beckoned and turned away, walking gracefully towards one of the training yard. Garnet paused for a moment to watch the sway of the older woman's hips, then trotted after her. As she came level with the Mistress of Arms, she slipped her hand into Dillan's, curling her fingers around the other woman's. For a moment she thought Dillan would push her hand away, but the Gaidar raised an eyebrow at her and let her hold on. Garnet beamed. Point to me. Yes, it was definitely a game.

"Archery, I thought," the Mistress of Arms said nonchalantly, just as if they were simply walking side by side and Garnet wasn't taking every excuse to bump up against her. "You haven't used a bow and arrows often, have you Garnet?"

"Hmm?" Garnet, who'd been trying to work out whether it was possible for her to rest her head against Dillan's shoulder while they were still walking, was caught somewhat off guard. She covered her surprise with a smile. "No, not often, Dillan...Gaidar." The Mistress of Arms' glance when it looked like she was planning to leave off the title was enough to tell Garnet she was walking on thin ice. "But it's something I've wanted to learn." A lie, but not one Dillan would find out. Or maybe not – the Gaidar's brow had quirked, just for an instant, and the hint of a smile lifted the corners of her mouth. How did she make it seem like she knew everything? Point to Dillan.

"You'll have your opportunity today, then," the Gaidar said, and Garnet grinned. She'd seen archery practice before, and it seemed like instructors had to stand awfully close behind their students to help them. That sounded like a great idea when it was Dillan instructing her – and, of course, she planned to be a very, very bad archer, at least to start with.

Dillan Gaidar
Entrancing
Sun Jun 20, 2004 4:05am

Not many people would have thought that a training session with bow and arrows could be transformed into a flirting session - until this moment, Dillan had never even contemplated using her favorite weapon as a tool for seduction. But then, she reflected, she had never been teaching Garnet before. The girl seemed to do nothing but flirt. And train, too; perhaps it was because she used all her training as attempts to seduce everyone else that she had progressed so fast. Whatever it was, she learned rapidly. Garnet was trying to hide it, but she had quickly gotten the hang of nocking, drawing and firing.

Now, Dillan was sure, the Sei'Tar was deliberately ‘forgetting' how to do things. As soon as Dillan stepped back into place, her body pressed snug against Garnet's back so they could both draw the bowstring back and aim for the target, the trainee improved beyond all imagining. When she moved away again, Garnet's skill suddenly decreased. The suspicious thing was that Dillan knew for a fact she wasn't doing anything to help her student, whether or not she was up close. That meant that Garnet was making herself better or worse. It was a game, and one Dillan wasn't entirely sure she wanted to play.

With that in mind, she called the session to a close rather sooner than she might have if the trainee she'd been teaching hadn't shown a deep determination to seduce her. Garnet didn't seem to take offence, simply flashing an impudent grin at the Gaidar and making a sketchy bow. Women, Dillan thought to herself. I will never understand women. It didn't seem to be fair. She didn't understand men, she didn't understand women - she didn't even understand Thorn, the hedgehog Donica had decided should be her pet. And the thing was, Donica understood Thorn, so it was obviously a flaw in Dillan.

She sighed. Garnet, who had just finished coiling the bowstring up again in preparation to store it, sauntered over to see what was happening. The Gaidar glanced over at her student, who gave her a sweet smile and tucked her arm through Dillan's. She could easily have shrugged the girl off, but this game – if game it was – was more entertaining than nothing, and her life seemed to be full of nothing. Garnet was interesting enough, and the Mistress of Arms was quite confident in her own ability to resist the girl's advances. The trainee had nothing on Donica.

"So," Garnet said cheerfully, "you're a good teacher, you know, Dillan?" Somewhere during the session, they seemed to have progressed to first-name terms. The Gaidar was pretty sure she should be more worried about it than she actually was. Rather than worry about it, she just shook her head.

"Flatterer," she answered, half-accusing, half-playful. Garnet grinned, apparently amused, and stroked Dillan's arm. Her touch was lighter than Donica's, but held as much promise of attraction. Dillan shivered, shook her head. She shouldn't be thinking like this. She loved Donica. More than that, she almost worshipped Donica. And yet there was...something. It wasn't anything like the love she shared with Donica, it was something far more primitive. Yes, the same feeling was there when she saw Doni, too, but it was overlaid with a softness, a gentleness. Lust, Dillan told herself. You think she's attractive. And she is.

"You know you like it," Garnet responded, and now her voice had dropped slightly, become huskier. Her hand on Dillan's arm stilled, then slid down until her fingers touched Dillan's hand, skimmed across to brush her waist before finding a way downwards to press against her thigh. "Don't you, darling?"

The spell broke. Donica called her darling, and the affectionate name was wrong on anyone else's lips. Dillan shook her head, stepping away from the Sei'Tar's touch. "I think we should stop now," she said levelly, pleased to find that her voice didn't shake. Garnet looked up at her, all innocence, and then shrugged.

"All right," she answered easily. "Same time tomorrow, right Dillan?" No time for an answer; she turned and skipped away as if she thought the Gaidar might argue. In truth, that was what Dillan had been about to do. Garnet was a temptation. She'd just have to tell the girl tomorrow that they couldn't continue these lessons.

And yet...well. There was that...something.

Garnet Sei'Tar
Bewitching
Sun Jun 20, 2004 4:05am

For a moment - a short moment, true, but a moment nonetheless - Garnet had thought she might just stand a chance. Even as she turned, grinned, walked away as if it didn't matter at all, the young Sei'Tar wondered what she'd done wrong. Something she'd said, something she'd done? Dillan was harder to get to than anyone else within the barracks; she never gave explanations, never gave any hint of what was working and what was not. It was infuriating, but also addictive, a game that Garnet couldn't stop playing until she knew how to win it. Even as a child she'd only ever studied things until she understood them or grew bored, and then moved onwards. So far, Dillan wasn't boring, and she eluded every attempt to pin her down. Literally, as well as metaphorically.

That wasn't a problem, they had plenty of time. Sei'Tar were not raised so quickly as Aethan'Tar were, and Garnet imagined she had months if not years left before she became a Gaidar. Dillan, being the Mistress of Arms, couldn't exactly go anywhere in the time in between. As far as anyone could tell, she didn't love her job, but she didn't seem to hate it either. She'd only been the Mistress of Arms for a very short while, as well, there was no reason to think she'd resign. Yes, plenty of time – for even if Dillan did stop being the Mistress of Arms, the Tower would always be able to track her down. Garnet was part of the Tower, now; she could find Dillan wherever the older woman ran.

And she intended to, as well. This was fun, this was a challenge. No one had ever refused her for more than a few weeks, and Dillan had lasted several months now without even a hint that she might give in. Although she skipped away, her mind was whirring madly. How in the Light was she to find the weak spot in this woman's armor? How to get her into bed, and prove once again that no one was immune? Garnet frowned and bit her lip gently. None of her traditional methods had worked, but there were other ways. She'd find other ways.

First of all, she had to find a way to pry Dillan away from her Sea Folk lover. Having Twilla Sedai around could not possibly be helping Garnet's case, after all, even if she had heard that that relationship was currently in some strife. The Sei'Tar lifted a sword lying near the practice yards with ease, swinging it idly to get the feel of it in her muscles. Every now and then she remembered how heavy swords had felt when she first arrived, and had to smile. She'd thought she was so strong and fit then, but now she was really beginning to understand the difference between the healthy girl she'd been and the pure warrior she was becoming. Garnet wasn't sure which she liked better. Her warrior form had the strength, the muscles, the ability to impress. As an ordinary girl, though, she'd had soft curves, and they were in short supply around the training yards.

A young man training nearby caught her eye and grinned. Garnet flashed back her own brilliant smile, her eyes roving over his body. Not one she knew...maybe the best way to forget the irritating, fascinating puzzle that was Dillan was to find another puzzle to unravel. This boy didn't look as if he'd object at all. With another smile, she put the sword back down again, and slunk seductively over to say hello. Dillan would wait for another time. After all, she had nothing better to do.

Garnet
II: I Think I Like It
Sun Jun 20, 2004 4:06am

Some weeks later

She couldn't concentrate, she simply couldn't concentrate. Everything reminded her of Dillan, from the sight of the walls of her room to the scent of pine needles. For some reason, the Gaidar had the same fresh scent as pine crushed underfoot, and it was intoxicating. Garnet could hardly bear to leave her presence. It didn't make any sense at all; she wasn't acting normally. Something was wrong, the Sei'Tar was sure of it, but she didn't know what that something might be. Dillan was drawing her closer and closer, with just a smile or a single word of reminder. She wanted to be nearby, even if Dillan was scolding her - Light, she'd manufactured excuses to end up in the Mistress of Arms' office, whether for punishment or to be helpful! That wasn't supposed to happen. Dillan...even her name, even her Light-blasted name sent pleasant shivers along Garnet's spine.

And her eyes, and her mouth...oh, Light. She wanted Dillan more than she'd wanted anyone else, and the worst of it was that Dillan - unlike every other person in Garnet's experience - didn't want her. It wasn't right. Something had gone terribly, terribly wrong with the world for Dillan not to want her. Had she suddenly become less beautiful, lost the trick of swinging her hips and giving those little smiles that made people fall over themselves to make their way to her bed? Surely not, for the other trainees still seemed interested. She'd even managed to bed an Aes Sedai just to prove that she still could. So what was it about this one woman that made her invulnerable?

It couldn't even be Twilla. Garnet couldn't help but think of why this was happening to her, even as she stalked through the training yards towards the archery targets. Dillan would be there. Dillan was almost always there, if she was out in the grounds, and Rysor had said that she was. Since it was almost summer, the Gaidar would be wearing a shirt with sleeves rolled high, and tight breeches that didn't go past her knees. Perhaps some of the buttons on her shirt would be undone, although Garnet wasn't sure whether that would be a good or bad thing. Last time, she'd been so fascinated by the glimpse of creamy skin that her arrows had gone haywire. One had almost hit another student. Dillan had scolded her, but the sound of the woman's voice soothed Garnet despite the annoyed words.

Despite herself, seeing the sunlight glinting off Dillan's auburn hair made her relax and give a sigh of relief. Sometimes, when she couldn't find Dillan, she nearly drove herself mad wondering what had happened and whether the older woman was all right. It didn't matter that Dillan was a Gaidar, the Mistress of Arms, she was just a woman...even a Gaidar was mortal. Things could still go wrong for her, and Light knew what would happen if Dillan ever let down her guard. Surely she wouldn't, she couldn't be injured...no, she couldn't. But even the thought was terrifying - what if?

As Garnet approached, the Mistress of Arms turned, the corners of her mouth curving up in a smile. The Sei'Tar held herself back, although she wanted badly to pull the woman's mouth down to hers and kiss her thoroughly. But what if she did, and Dillan pushed her away? Garnet didn't dare to touch her. Being a student of archery as she was, though, Dillan would come up close behind her and wrap those strong arms around her, steadying her aim and helping her pull back the bowstring. There was almost nothing in that touch, but it was all she could have, and so Garnet was content with it. She could lean her head back against Dillan's shoulder just a little, feel the shape of the woman's body against her back, and that was enough. For the moment, it was enough.

She smiled back. Dillan approached, one hand held out for the bow that Garnet had carried. The Sei'Tar relinquished it to her mentor and watched as Dillan inspected it, as she always did. She didn't know what the older woman was looking for, but the sight of the Gaidar so completely focussed on something that, by now, was almost a part of Garnet herself, was enough to make her smile. While they trained, Dillan was not thinking of Twilla. All her thoughts, all her energy, were going towards Garnet, and the Sei'Tar was happy. Twilla could never understand the camaraderie that the warriors of the White Tower shared; most likely she would never even attempt to comprehend it. These moments were special, and she would draw every bit of enjoyment out of them. Even if Dillan went back to Twilla each night, as she would - as she must, for the Aes Sedai had some sort of hold on her - Twilla could not affect these moments.

Dillan
Butterfly Kiss
Sun Jun 20, 2004 4:07am

Garnet was learning faster than Dillan had even dared to hope. The Mistress of Arms had spent a long time now teaching herself to recognize which weapon each man and woman in her yards excelled in, and which they were merely good at. Garnet could take down almost anyone else when it came to hand-to-hand, but she was spending more and more time with the archers. It was unusual, slightly amusing, and was making Dillan wonder if perhaps the girl had found a pillow-friend among the little group of men and women that she taught the finer points of the bow. Knowing Garnet, it would not be surprising; her reputation preceded her, to the point where every Aethan'Tar entering the grounds knew her name and face almost before they knew Rysor and Dillan's. The Gaidar would never have imagined that someone could draw such a crowd so fast.

A few of them had tried to flirt with the Sei'Tar during these lessons in archery, until Dillan threatened to make them leave if they didn't behave. Strangely, Garnet had rebuffed their advances, presumably out of respect to whichever of them she had managed to lure into her bed this time. But then that, too, was unheard of for Garnet - the girl simply didn't have that much compassion. Maybe she's growing up, Dillan told herself. You're getting cynical, Dillan al'Tierney. The thought almost made her laugh, a smile quirking the corners of her mouth, and she saw Garnet glance over at her. A grin lit the younger woman's face, and Dillan allowed herself to grin back. When Garnet was trying, she was absolutely adorable.

And when she was trying to learn, she was amazing. The bow wasn't her finest weapon, but she picked up everything about it far faster than any of the others, and when it came to hand-to-hand combat...once or twice she'd even managed to pin Dillan to the ground, even when the Gaidar had been fighting in earnest, and anyone who could do that was a fine fighter indeed. Most likely Garnet had no idea of her own skill, when it came to hand-to-hand. She certainly didn't seem to want to practise it as much as she did archery. Rather than lose one of the most promising unarmed fighters in at least a decade, Dillan decided, she had better try to redirect Garnet towards her better type of combat. The only problem was that the Sei'Tar didn't take orders easily.

That was actually an understatement. Garnet simply didn't seem to hear orders, no matter who they came from; she did exactly what she wanted. Being the spoilt only child of a pair of nobles would do that to you, Dillan supposed, but it didn't make the Sei'Tar any easier to deal with. If she had not shown such promise, such dedication, she wouldn't be a Sei'Tar. In fact, she'd probably have been thrown out of the Tower - no one within the training grounds had much patience with spoiled brats who thought the Wheel should weave the Pattern around them. Garnet, although she was spoilt, could be more than brilliant when she felt like it, and so she had managed to secure a place for herself. The Sei'Tar could hardly know just how important she was, and Dillan wanted to keep it that way.

Maybe that way, when the time came to turn her life upside down, she would come to her new position with humility and gratitude. Light knew those were qualities the men and women of the White Tower were sadly lacking. Garnet was disadvantaged by her birth and upbringing, and yet with a little time and effort she could become more than anyone else thought. Maybe you're seeing things in her that simply aren't there, Dillan told herself. Maybe you want someone to replace you so badly that you'd just grab any child who was nearby. The thought didn't ring true. In Garnet she had seen something that would make a Mistress of Arms, something that Dillan herself lacked.

"Dillan?" The Sei'Tar's voice startled her out of her thoughts, and Dillan looked up from the girl's bow to find blue eyes brimming over with held-back laughter. She raised an eyebrow at Garnet, trying not to let her own amusement touch her face. "Not that I don't like watching you," the younger woman said, her eyes flicking up and down Dillan's body in a manner that put the mischief behind her statement, "but aren't we supposed to be practicing now? Archery, I mean." As if she could have meant anything else – but then that was Garnet, putting double entendres into every sentence she possibly could. Dillan grinned and handed the bow back.

"Go on, then," she answered, unable to resist a tease herself. "Show me what you can do."

Garnet
Canoodle
Sun Jun 20, 2004 4:08am

Since that first day that Aiyaela had come to ask her for lessons, Garnet had found herself spending more and more time practicing her hand-to-hand fighting. There was, as usual, no shortage of willing opponents, and she could pick and choose from among the men and women of the training yards. Some of them thought that a spar was the first step to getting into her bed, and in a couple of cases they were right. But most of the time – and it was strange, for she'd never had such a feeling before – Garnet simply didn't want them. They might be stunningly handsome or unbelievably beautiful, they might have the finest figure anyone had ever seen, but they weren't quite right. It was true, she'd taken two of the trainees to her bed, both beautiful redheads with dark green or brown eyes, but they hadn't fulfilled her desires either. It was too bad. She'd always thought a night of delight could cure any problem.

Though finding a gorgeous boy or girl to sleep with didn't seem to be working any more, Garnet had found something that almost eased the ache. If she exhausted herself training, there was no time for wishes and no room for dreams. When she woke, she began training; throughout the day, she was kept too busy to think, and at night when she fell into bed – alone – the fatigue kept her from dreaming. It was best this way, she had decided. Her dreams had been…strange. People said that dreams were of what you wanted while you were awake, but at the moment Garnet didn't want to believe that. She didn't even want to think about it. She wanted to concentrate, and thank the Light she had something she most definitely had to concentrate on.

You couldn't balance on your hands without thinking about it, after all. Ever since Dillan had demonstrated several of the more advanced tricks of hand-to-hand combat, Garnet had wanted to be able to pull them off. The problem was that she couldn't do a handstand, and she couldn't fight the way Dillan had without being able to do a handstand. The solution was simple: she would learn. No matter how long it took, no matter how many bruises she got, no matter what anyone else thought of her, she would learn. And she couldn't even explain why it was so important that she be able to do what Dillan could do, that she receive the Gaidar's praise.

It was not unusual for people to watch her, and so she was good at ignoring any bystanders. Today she was attracting more than usual as she practiced in the last light of the setting sun, her fiery hair drawn back into a ponytail. The men stopped to watch as her shirt slid up her body, exposing a perfectly toned stomach; the women paused perhaps out of jealousy, perhaps to see how she executed the moves, perhaps out of desire. Garnet knew it wasn't just the boys who thought her sexy. She knew, too, that sometimes Dillan and Rysor would watch her, just as they watched some of the other trainees. In their gazes there was never anything but cool calculation, and the Sei'Tar knew they must be assessing her progress. She didn't mind. It would make her a Gaidar sooner or later.

So she continued, shaking her head when her hair fell into her eyes, blinking the drops of sweat away, refusing to give up when her arms shook from the unexpected weight she was putting on them. Just learning to balance on her hands had been difficult enough, never mind gaining enough control to be able to kick out without falling over. She'd fallen over plenty of times, and the sand of the training yards stuck to the sweat coating her body, but she hadn't hurt herself badly enough to stop. Nor was she going to; Garnet knew her limits. It was just that she hadn't reached them yet, and until she did she wasn't going to give up.

Wobbly in the unaccustomed position, she let her feet flop down, knees bent. It seemed to help her keep her balance, something she'd learned early on in her quest to master these new tricks. Lifting a hand from the ground seemed near-impossible, but she tried anyway, and promptly fell over. Gritting her teeth, the Sei'Tar picked herself up again and gave it another shot. Until she mastered this, she wasn't going to spend any time on fun and games. Everyone might think that she'd give up the second she failed, but they were wrong. When she'd set her mind to something, she kept trying until she'd succeeded. Once more, Garnet flipped herself upside down and balanced there, trying to put all her weight onto one hand so that she could lift the other one up.

Again she fell, picked herself up, tried another time. In her strange, upside-down world, she saw a pair of legs approach the fence of the training yard she was practicing in. The Sei'Tar looked up – or down, if you considered down to be where her feet were – to see who it was, her vision interestingly different as her eyes passed over soft boots, stockinged legs, dark green breeches and tunic encasing a body with just enough curve to tell it was a woman's, to a interested upside-down face. Surprised by recognition, she executed the lifting of her hand perfectly, balancing for a few stunned seconds before falling over again. Sitting up, she was too late to see anything but the woman's retreating back and the satisfied way she moved, stepping smartly with back perfectly straight. Garnet began to speak, then shut her mouth again. Dillan hadn't watched her like the Mistress of Arms would, not just then.

She was going to have to keep practicing. Next time Dillan came, she would do better. Garnet drew herself up, stretched her muscles, dropped into a handstand again. And very soon, she fell over again, a shiver shooting down her spine at the memory of the promise that had been in Dillan's eyes.

Garnet
Smooch
Sun Jun 20, 2004 4:08am

OOC: PG-13 rating kicks in here. This post, and everything after it, may not be entirely appropriate for people who like to avoid all that sex and violence.

His hair was dark, in tight curls across his head; his eyes were pale blue, the sort that girls giggled about swimming in. No scar, no mark, marred his skin as far as Garnet could see – and at the moment, she could see a fair bit. He was handsome in a way that very few men were handsome, not brawny and strong like so many of the other Sei'Tar, but supple and lithe. Definitely, he was handsome. More definitely, he was ready for anything she might choose to give him. The problem here, from Garnet's expert point of view, was that she didn't want him.

Her choice had made sense. She knew what she did want, and this boy, this man, was the exact opposite. The old Garnet, the one she was starting to think had vanished when she wasn't looking, would have adored him. By now they'd have been in his bed, laughing and whispering together, looking forward to a night of pleasure. She would have run her fingers through those curls, kissed his eyelids as they fluttered down over the blue seas of his eyes, traced tantalizing lines across his skin. He would have been happy, and more than happy, and so would she. But now...

It was because of his hair, so dark and curly when she wanted straight and shining golden-red. It was because of his eyes, gentle blue when she wanted the fire and heat in deep brown. It was because of his unmarked skin, his masculine body, when she wanted to fit herself against feminine curves and kiss that scar that she had once gotten a tantalizing glimpse of, almost white against fair skin. It was because of so many things, little things that she'd noticed, the catch in a soft voice, the tilt of a chin, the curve of a smile.

It was because he wasn't Dillan al'Tierney.

And here she was, supposed to be seducing this boy – Light knew it hadn't been that hard – and for the first time in her life, Garnet was wondering if it wouldn't be nicer just to curl up and dream. Half-heartedly, she let her fingers trail down his chest and over the muscles in his smooth stomach, and realized she didn't have any appetite for the chase. Even as she'd pursued him, and caught him so easily, she hadn't cared about it. He wasn't what she wanted. Could he ever be again, or was she doomed? Garnet leaned in to press a kiss to the young man's shoulder, let her teeth graze his skin, felt his fingers tucking themselves into the waistband of her breeches, and knew. She was doomed. She felt nothing. Handsome man, certainly; the time was right, the mood was right, and she didn't want anything to do with him. Flaming brilliant.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, pushing him away gently and flinching at his gasp. It was cruel to torment someone like she had, Garnet knew it well, and yet she still couldn't go through with it. "I'm really sorry, but I have to go." It was easy to pull his arms from around her, and she tried to do it as gently as possible, but no matter how gentle it was always going to hurt his ego. The Sei'Tar extricated herself from his embrace, sliding off his lap and bending to pick up the shirt she'd dropped so hastily not very long ago. His eyes, those perfect pools of blue, gazed up at her in dismay, still dazed with longing. Garnet bit her lip. There was just no way she could continue, no matter how sadly he looked at her.

"I'm sorry." The words were inadequate, but she had nothing better. She looked away from his pleading eyes, towards the door. "I have to..." The sentence trailed off, and Garnet stepped away, over his discarded shirt, the boots that still lay where they'd fallen. Her cheeks flamed red with anger – at herself, not the poor boy she'd abandoned – as she stalked down the corridor. This had never happened before! How was it possible that she, Garnet, could have no desire for the pretty boy she'd left behind? It was wrong, it was wrong and it shouldn't have happened. Disbelieving, she almost walked into the wrong room before catching herself and wheeling around to find her own quarters.

Once there, her clothes came off again in preparation for bed, but - what are you dreaming, Garnet? What do you fantasize about, Sei'Tar? - it was not her own hands she felt undoing the buttons, sliding the shirt from her shoulders and the breeches down her thighs. She sighed, allowing her hands to linger on her bare stomach for a moment, allowing herself to dream. It would be so easy to give in to temptation, to...seduce the woman who was supposed to be leading her? To destroy a relationship that had begun before she even entered the training yards? Normally that wouldn't even have entered into Garnet's equation, but a lot of things about the Mistress of Arms were changing her reactions.

Light help me, Dillan al'Tierney, what have you done to me? It was nothing she had ever experienced before, this drumming of the heart, deep longing seated somewhere in her stomach, this aching need to be beside the Gaidar. With the thought of Dillan, she could walk through fire, leap into the air and fly. Why had this never happened before? Light knew she'd had plenty of chances to feel this way, plenty of people to dream about. And sure, she'd dreamed about plenty of them, swiftly followed by their seduction, but...not like this. Not this way, not wanting to do anything to keep them whole and happy and by her side. Not like this.

"Dillan," she whispered into the night, and smiled. "Dillan al'Tierney."

Dillan
Judas Kiss
Sun Jun 20, 2004 8:37pm

It had gotten to the point where Dillan thought even five minutes of peace and quiet was a rapturous experience, so words simply could not describe the bliss of having a whole hour of freedom. Better yet, she had that precious time with Donica, who had somehow managed to find an excuse to stay away from teaching the Novices and Accepted whatever the White Tower thought they ought to know. Peace and Donica, a woman could ask for nothing more, except perhaps for somewhere to hide from prying eyes. And they had that, as well, in Dillan's room; the Gaidar still didn't feel entirely comfortable in Donica's, and the thought of her lover's sanctum being invaded by hordes of squalling Gaidin in training was not a pleasant one.

So they sat together, not even touching, just looking. Dillan found herself fascinated all over again by every aspect of the beautiful Sea Folk woman she had somehow, miraculously, fallen in love with. No one would have ever chosen them as a perfect couple, and in truth they were not perfect – what couple was? – but they were good for each other, somehow. She didn't claim to understand it, knew that if she thought for an entire Age it wouldn't make sense, but you didn't have to understand something to enjoy it. She didn't understand how the kitchen staff made honeycakes, either, and she still loved them. Donica was like a honeycake, and a grin slipped onto Dillan's face as she mentally listed the similarities.

Honeycakes were sweet, and tasted nice, and you always wanted more of them. And, if she'd had a choice, she would have eaten nothing but honeycakes...don't go down that path right now, Dil, she reminded herself. You only have an hour. That line of thought leads to something that takes more than an hour. To her chagrin, her cheeks blazed red with embarrassment, and Donica laughed and held out her arms to pull Dillan close. The Blue sister had seen her lover blush enough to know what she must be thinking about when she did, and it seemed to amuse her. Women. I'll never understand them.

But then, she didn't need to understand, only love and enjoy, and she could do that well enough. In an hour of time, she could store enough memories of Donica to keep her going through the next week without her lover. For some reason the Pattern had woven them into this uncomfortable existence, with no way out except for the promise Dillan saw in the red-headed Sei'Tar who was probably training even now, pushing herself as far as she could go and then a little further. The thought of what the girl could do for her made her sigh, and hug Donica closer. Imagining the freedom was something she hardly dared do, in case it all went terribly wrong, but...

"I've missed you, Doni," she whispered. "So much." Her lover murmured something unintelligible into her ear, the meaning given by the warmth of her voice. Dillan smiled, pressed her face into Donica's neck so that she could breathe in the younger woman's cinnamon scent. There was never any time to stop, when she was teaching. Everything had to happen straight away, and without any kind of softness. The students were meant to be becoming warriors, after all; warriors traditionally did nothing but fight. None of the stories ever said that warriors might, sometimes, want to be loved and held and told that everything would be all right.

Donica leaned into her, wriggling until she'd found a way to sit on Dillan's lap. The Gaidar grinned and held her carefully, loosely enough that she could easily get away but tight enough that she wouldn't fall. Her lover wound an arm around Dillan's shoulders, then kissed her neck, sending a shiver of pleasure down the older woman's spine. That made a wicked smile creep across Donica's lips; she loved being able to make Dillan react. Before she could say anything – another thing she loved was teasing – Dillan leaned in to kiss her. That, she had learned, was about the only way to keep Donica from speaking when Dillan didn't want her to.

The door creaked open, but for once neither of them cared. Every time they'd been caught kissing in the years they'd been together, they'd had to spring apart and pretend nothing was going on. Aes Sedai and Gaidin were notoriously against the Novices and Accepted having any kind of relationship with the Gaidin's trainees, and many of them had wanted nothing more than to catch Donica and Dillan up to mischief. If they ever actually knew how much the two girls had done, there would have been trouble indeed. But the only two people who had found out had never told, through loyalty in one case and fear in the other, and it didn't matter now. Donica was Aes Sedai. If she wanted to cavort naked in the halls – Light send that never happened – she could.

By the time she chose to open her eyes again and glance at the door, one eyebrow quirked in an expression of cool disinterest, the trainee standing there was beginning to recover from the shock. It was Garnet, of course – who else barged into a Gaidar's room without knocking? – her blue eyes open wide, mouth open in a perfect O. As Dillan looked at her, the girl's lips began to form words, perhaps an apology, but no sound was coming out. It was if she had gotten the worst shock of her life. But she hadn't; she'd been in the class of secrets, so she knew about Donica. All the trainees in that class knew.

And rather than say whatever she had been planning, Garnet slammed the door shut. Dillan, listening carefully, heard her footsteps racing off down the hallway. So perhaps she was going to tell everyone – it didn't matter any more. The Gaidar looked back to Donica, who wore an expression almost as surprised as Garnet's had been. Dillan shrugged. "They do that sometimes, love," she explained. "Gaidar aren't supposed to have lives or lovers, you see." It made sense that it was just shock that had made Garnet run, but Dillan wasn't entirely sure. Just for a moment, she had thought she might have seen tears start in Garnet's eyes.

Garnet
III: Supposed Crime
Sun Jun 20, 2004 8:37pm

Her sleep was uneasy. When had it been easy? Garnet couldn't remember. All she remembered was seeing Dillan's arms wound around Twilla's body, keeping her safe, holding her tight. No one had ever loved Garnet like that. If she was held, it was not with that gentleness, that protectiveness. Jealousy, certainly, the fear of who might share her bed the next night, but not...the Gaidar had cradled her lover's body as if she expected the younger woman might break if she were not careful. Why had no one ever done that for Garnet? Why could Dillan not do that for Garnet? Why did she have to be content with dreams? Ah, but what dreams...

Fully expecting to be pushed away, Garnet almost pulled back with the shock of finding her mouth pressed against Dillan's, opening in a kiss that the Gaidar made no attempt to fend off. True, she wasn't trying very hard to participate, but she wasn't saying no, and that was good enough. From Garnet's point of view, she'd be quite happy if Dillan didn't move a muscle. She'd do whatever she had to just as long as she could keep Dillan here, unprotesting, surrendering at last to her desire. That was all that was keeping the older woman here, Garnet knew it, and was wary of breaking the spell. She didn't dare to speak, much less rush things - but then she didn't dare go slow, either, in case Dillan woke from her daze and fought to be free. The Sei'Tar didn't want to think of what she'd do if Dillan fought her now.

Holding her breath, as if the merest whisper might set off a disaster, she let her hands creep to the top button of the Gaidar's shirt. The material, soft cotton that looked to be at least a year old, released the button easily. Garnet tried to breathe in as quietly and unobtrusively as she could, eyes fixed on the small area of creamy skin the shirt had revealed. Dillan still wasn't moving - she'd take that as a good sign. Slowly, ever so slowly, she undid another button, and then another. Little by little, the shirt fell open, until with the slightest movement she could slide it off the Gaidar's shoulders. Taking a deep breath for courage, Garnet slipped her fingers under the shirt and eased it away from Dillan's body.

It fell to the ground as softly as a sigh, and the glow of the candle brought the muscles of the Gaidar's stomach into sharp relief. Unable to believe what was happening, Garnet simply stared. If she moved, if she said a single word, this would surely all be just a dream. All she had wanted for so long was to be here, with Dillan, that it could not really be happening. But if it was a dream, she did not want to wake up. It would be far, far better if Dillan were helping her out, so much better that she couldn't even begin to think how much better, but if this was all she could have then so be it. Dillan was in her arms and if this were not a dream - oh, Light, let it not be a dream - then she was about to get everything she had wanted for so long.

She stepped forward again, reached up to wind her arms around Dillan's neck. The shadows from the candlelight hid the Gaidar's eyes, and her face gave nothing away. Her hands remained by her sides; if she was to go along with this, it seemed she would take no active role. But she hasn't said no, Garnet reminded herself. I can have her, because she hasn't said no. She pulled the older woman's mouth down to hers, kissed her again, hoped for some kind of response. Tentatively, almost reluctantly, Dillan seemed at last to answer her kisses.

It was as if she'd been engulfed in a fire that somehow failed to hurt her, only warm her all over. Her clothes were suddenly far too hot, so she stepped away from Dillan long enough to yank her shirt off. The Gaidar watched her, face impassive. From time to time, the corner of her mouth twitched slightly. If she slowed down now, all was lost; Dillan couldn't be given time to think about what she was doing. It took so much effort to wipe her Aes Sedai lover from her mind, and if Twilla appeared in her thoughts just once more this would all be over. And then what? Dillan would probably never speak to her again, never look at her again, and if that happened Garnet thought she might die.

As she stepped back towards Dillan, the Gaidar shut her eyes. Garnet reached out gently, stroked a finger across Dillan's shoulder and down her arm. Her skin was so soft, not the weather-toughened leather that trainees tended to assume would be hidden under a Gaidar's clothing. Without the fancloak and dagger that marked her rank, without the steel that lived in her eyes and the command in her voice that came when she was in the training yards, Dillan was just like any other woman. The candlelight bathed her skin in gold and shadows, taking Garnet's breath away. She hardly dared to take her hand away from the older woman's arm, afraid that if she let go Dillan would disappear like a dream. This was what had happened in so many of her dreams, after all...

Her hand crept up towards Dillan's shoulder again, sliding up her neck to touch her mouth. The Gaidar's expression didn't change, but her mouth moved slightly, her lips putting just a little more pressure on Garnet's hand. The Sei'Tar froze. That felt remarkably like a very, very soft kiss. She opened her mouth to speak. Dillan moved faster than she thought possible, her eyes opening as she pressed her finger against Garnet's mouth in the universal signal for quiet. Not even daring to nod, in case she broke the spell, Garnet stayed as still as she could. Slowly, Dillan's eyes closed again, and Garnet allowed herself to relax a little.

She ran a finger across the older woman's mouth, catching her breath when Dillan's lips parted. This had to be what every man in the world dreamed of, having a beautiful woman not refusing any move made. In truth, Garnet would have been happier if Dillan were responding, but this was enough. Since she was not going to get anything more, this would have to be enough. She took the Gaidar's hands in her own, stepped closer, wound Dillan's arms around her body. The woman clasped her hands behind Garnet's back, then slid them down and sideways to rest on her hips. Garnet smiled and relaxed into Dillan's embrace, turning her head to kiss the Gaidar's neck. "Shhh," she whispered, soothing Dillan as if the older woman were a kitten, stroking her arm. "Shhh."

She drew Dillan down with her, fingers tangling in the Gaidar's auburn hair. At last Dillan had opened her eyes, but now she seemed to be looking at something that was somehow behind Garnet's head. Wanting that gaze fixed on her, the Sei'Tar pushed herself upwards again until she could touch her mouth to Dillan's. While it meant she got another kiss, when she drew back the Gaidar's eyes were shut again. She seemed almost determined to do...whatever they were going to do; Garnet had no idea if or when one of them would call a halt to it...without seeing any of it. Reminding herself that any time spent with Dillan in her arms, in her bed, was better than none, Garnet sighed and allowed herself to relax back against the mattress.

"I love you, Dillan," she whispered.

But there the dreams always faded. I love you, Dillan. She could not imagine what could possibly happen next. Words of love did not come easily from Dillan's mouth, whether she were real or dream, and she had never spoken Garnet's name with anything approaching the tenderness she could get into the three syllables of ‘Donica'. She wanted to dream again; she wanted to die while she slept, and never have to wake to the knowledge that Dillan...If she ever spoke the words, those three words she'd said so many times and meant for all of thirty seconds, then Dillan would never even look at her again. And inside she burned, like a wildfire, an uncontrolled flame, waiting. Garnet knew she could not wait any longer. Somehow she would have to do something, whether it became what she wanted or no.

Garnet
Arson
Sun Jun 20, 2004 11:21pm

It would be easy. Garnet shivered, ran her hand nervously through her curly hair, and watched Dillan as the Gaidar patiently explained the finer points of the bow to one of the other Sei'Tar. She had worked out a general plan for how to get to Dillan, but there clearly hadn't been enough details. For example, one of the things she was now lacking was a reason to ask Dillan to go with her. The best place would be Garnet's room, she had decided; no one came in there without an invitation, unlike the Mistress of Arms' office or her room. For a few brief moments she'd contemplated seducing Dillan in her office, but had quickly given it up. The last thing she wanted was an interruption. Surely the Gaidar could vanish for a few hours without anyone being any the wiser, especially if it was at night.

The sun was setting now, and lessons were over for the day, but Garnet still hadn't come up with a good excuse. Uncharacteristically nervous, she began to chew on one of her nails. Normally it wouldn't have mattered what she said, what she did; the man or woman she had set her sights on would be as eager as she was, if not more so. Any excuse would do. But this time, Garnet had the feeling she would only get one chance. If she made a mistake, Dillan would never come with her, never slip into her bed. More than anything else, she wanted just a few short hours with the Gaidar in her arms, holding her as she'd held Twilla.

Bloody Twilla. If not for her, Dillan would be happy to respond to every little flirtation. If not for her, Dillan would be Garnet's. The Sei'Tar was starting to honestly believe that she might hate Twilla. And that was new, because she'd never hated anyone before. Never loved anyone before, either, and yet...well, as far as she could tell, what she was experiencing was what most people called love. Although Garnet didn't want to admit it even to herself, she was terrified. Love changed people, made them into mindless creatures devoted only to one person. She had never wanted that for herself. But now, with Dillan, it didn't seem so bad after all.

And all the time, all the flaming time, she was burning inside, her heart aching. How was she supposed to concentrate like this? How was she supposed to train? How did those lovers among the trainees do it? They were all mad. It didn't seem as though you could control love, but surely they could stop training so they could concentrate on the one they loved. Or perhaps, in time, it died away a little bit. Light, how she hoped that was the case. At this rate she'd never be Gaidar, not when every sighting of Dillan sent butterflies racing through her body, lightning surging along her veins.

The Mistress of Arms patted her student on the shoulder and turned away, and Garnet jerked in surprise. She had to make her move now, before she lost her courage. As the other Sei'Tar walked away, his forehead crinkled with thought, Garnet plucked up her courage and headed for Dillan. Of course the older woman spotted her before she drew near, turning with a smile and open expression. I love you, Dillan. Garnet bit her own tongue rather than have the words come out here and now. She couldn't say them. Not now, maybe not ever.

"I need to talk to you," she said, horrified to discover that her voice came out as a whisper. Light, now she couldn't even speak when Dillan was nearby. Something had to be done about this.

"Sure, Garnet." Dillan had a tinge of concern in her voice, and Garnet cringed inwardly.

"I'm...I don't want to...um, to blackmail you or anything," she said quickly, and cringed again at the thought of how stupid she must sound. "I mean...oh, Light. Can we please just talk? For a moment? Not here."

"Where do you want to go?" Instead of fading, Dillan's worry was even more evident. For the first time, Garnet wondered if it might be an act. The Mistress of Arms knew perfectly well how to hide any emotion she felt; she must have spent years learning the stony expression that every Gaidin had. So why was she allowing Garnet to see what she felt, unless she didn't really feel it and this was just a trick? But then there was no reason to act. The Sei'Tar's thoughts were racing in circles. She couldn't think properly with Dillan so close.

"Somewhere quiet," she said. "Your room, or mine? I don't...want anyone else to overhear."

"Your room, then," Dillan answered easily. "Everyone walks straight into mine." Garnet blushed, and watched a smile light the Mistress of Arms' face. "Come now, Garnet, it's not so bad," the older woman said gently. "Let's go, and we'll sort out whatever's bothering you."

"I hope so," Garnet told her. Light help me, if we can sort it out... "It's this way, then..."

Garnet
Abuse
Mon Jun 21, 2004 5:53pm

Did you think
Did you -

The door opened. The door shut.

Garnet looked around her own room as if she'd never seen it before. Everything that she had put there herself looked strange, as if it didn't belong. Whose room was this? She was floating, falling, swept away by the light and the darkness. Slowly she spun, taking it all in. A dream, it had to be a dream; she didn't recognize any of this, and here was Dillan, and Light help me, what am I going to say? What am I going to do? She wanted to touch the Gaidar, and at the same time she wanted to run away. She couldn't bear to get any closer, but she couldn't bear not to be close. The contradictions should have been giving her a headache, but the wonderful warm fizzy sensation in her stomach seemed to be keeping any pain away.

And here was Dillan, sitting on her bed as if she had every right to be there - and oh, she does - one hand patting the bedspread beside her, inviting. Stepping as if the floor might suddenly fall out from under her, Garnet moved towards the bed, sat down gingerly. The Mistress of Arms reached out and took her hand, and Garnet had to bite back a gasp. It was almost as if Dillan knew what was going on, and...No. Stop thinking like that. Of course Dillan didn't know what was happening. Of course Dillan didn't love her. She was being stupid.

Did you think that it
Meant something

"Garnet," the Gaidar said, and to Garnet's ears her voice was almost a purr. "Garnet, tell me what's wrong."

The Sei'Tar looked up at her, blue eyes meeting brown, and found compassion in Dillan's gaze. Tell me everything. I'll understand. She tilted her head, wondering if that promise would turn out to be true. No one in the Tower, except for maybe Twilla, knew what Dillan had gone through to become the woman she was. Maybe she too had fallen in love, and knew the tortures and joys that the emotion entailed. Most likely, though, she'd never tried to confess her love to someone who was to all intents and purposes deeply in love with another person. Garnet knew she could never measure up to Twilla. But maybe, perhaps, just for a moment...she could try.

"I..." she started. "I'm...Dillan Gaidar, I think..."

The words trailed off, but it didn't matter, because Dillan was smiling at her. "Not Dillan Gaidar, sweetheart," she said softly. "Just Dillan."

It was like a flower blooming inside her heart. She called me sweetheart. There was love in Dillan's voice, and Garnet didn't even care if it was the same kind of love the Gaidar reserved for Twilla. It was there, and real. She took a deep breath, glanced at the floor. Just for the moment she couldn't meet Dillan's eyes to find out what the Gaidar really meant. Just for the moment, she wanted to dream.

That it meant -

When she looked up again, Dillan was still watching her, tiny crinkles appearing at the corners of her eyes with the depth of her concentration. Of course Gaidar never had the perfect smooth faces of a noble lady, or the agelessness of an Aes Sedai; they could hardly be expected to, working outside as often as they did, under the stress that the White Tower inflicted. Garnet had never before seen those tiny crinkles as something attractive, but now, on Dillan's face, they were.

Not that the Gaidar seemed old, and in truth she couldn't be more than a decade or so older than Garnet was. And she was..."Beautiful," Garnet whispered. "You're beautiful."

"Garnet?"

Did you think that it meant something?

Unable to resist, she leaned in to press her mouth against Dillan's, and it was like in her dreams. The Gaidar didn't move away, didn't push her back. Garnet could feel, if she took her attention away from the kiss for long enough, a kind of sparkling all through her body. She had never felt it before, in all the hundreds of kisses she'd given and received. It was as if she could melt into Dillan's body, become a part of her. Her hands shook, but she managed to regain enough control of them to reach to the buttons of Dillan's shirt. Kisses led to bed, and she had to take advantage of this moment.

It was just -
Meant something? It -

Their lips parted, and for the first time Garnet could see the dazed amazement on Dillan's face as her eyes opened after a kiss. The vulnerability in those eyes made the Sei'Tar want to kiss her again, and again, and again, but she held back just for a moment. Something else was more important. The words were bubbling up from her heart, pouring their way out of her mouth whether she wanted them to or not.

"I love you, Dillan," she whispered.

Just a kiss
It was just a...

"No, you don't."

And as if she had not already destroyed Garnet's world with just three words, Dillan pushed herself away from the Sei'Tar's body. Garnet shivered, finding the room suddenly unbearably cold without the other woman's heat to warm her. As Dillan stood, brushing her arms with her hands as if dusting away dirt, Garnet persuaded her stunned body to sit her up. "Dillan?" she asked, worried. "Dillan, what are you doing?"

"Leaving."

"Leaving?" Her voice came out as a squeak. "You can't."

"I can." The anger in her eyes pinned Garnet to the bed as Dillan buttoned her shirt, each tiny movement declaring a world of trouble if the Sei'Tar dared to move. What had she done? Dillan had never seemed this angry at her before. Dillan had never seemed so loving before. Dillan had never kissed her before, never come so close to giving her what she wanted. Now Dillan was walking towards the door, as perfectly composed as if she'd just lectured one of her trainees on how to hold a sword. Dillan...

Did you think that it meant something? It was just a kiss.

"Dillan, wait," she pleaded. "I'll give you anything you want!" In the doorway, the Gaidar paused, turned, leaning against the door frame.

"I want Donica," Dillan said quietly, and walked on silent feet out of the room.

Garnet
Homicide
Mon Jun 21, 2004 10:56pm

It was as if she couldn't breathe. The door shut behind Dillan, and the room was suddenly lacking air. Garnet gasped, her hand going to her chest. It felt like something was choking her. Her cheeks were wet with tears she hadn't even noticed forming in her eyes. Nothing had ever hurt this much before. No one had ever hurt her before, intentionally or otherwise. Sure, she'd experienced physical pain – what trainee hadn't? – but this felt as though someone had torn her heart out. Or perhaps it had shattered into a million tiny pieces, each as sharp as a sliver of glass and now digging their way deeper into her chest. It hurt. Garnet closed her eyes and rocked back and forth.

Surely it wasn't possible to die from love – but it felt very much like it was. If only she could reach inside her own body and hold her heart together before it destroyed her, it might be all right. I love you, Dillan...no, you don't. How could the Gaidar say that? She didn't know...she couldn't know. It hadn't been a lie, she'd meant what she said for perhaps the first time in her entire life. She'd meant it!

No wonder people didn't like falling in love. It wasn't fun. It hurt. The Sei'Tar dragged herself up close to the wall and curled up, winding her arms around her head. She wanted to be small, to be safe and held close by someone who cared. She wanted to squeeze herself up so tight that she stopped existing, just collapsed down into nothing. How could it hurt so much? It was only...only everything. Oh Light, Dillan, why?

Because she loved Twilla. Or was it Donica? The same person, Garnet was sure of it. There could only be enough room for one person to love in anyone's life. Dillan must love the woman a great deal. The thought made her screw up her face, stuffing some of her pillow into her mouth to quiet the sobs that simply wouldn't cease. Maybe she'd never be able to stop crying, maybe she'd stay here for the rest of her life, and Dillan...Dillan would kiss the Blue sister, and hold her close, and never give another thought to the Sei'Tar she'd destroyed.

No, she wasn't going to think of it, wasn't going to think of what Dillan would do now. What if she told Twilla? What if the Aes Sedai came after Garnet? She wouldn't do that, surely she wouldn't. Aes Sedai didn't...but Light only knew what a person in love might do when they were threatened. Not that Garnet was any kind of threat; that had been made all too clear by Dillan's response. The thought dragged a bitter laugh out of the young woman, surprising her. She hadn't thought she could do anything but cry, but perhaps that was also a form of tears. Laughter when you were sad, that was a novel way to go about it.

There was a knock on the door. Garnet ignored it. Whoever it was, they'd soon go away and leave her alone. It wouldn't be Dillan – no, she didn't even want it to be Dillan! They knocked again, and called out her name before trying the door handle. It was locked, only able to be opened from the inside. Garnet remembered doing that as she walked into the room with Dillan, in a time that was only half an hour ago and at the same time a hundred Ages. No matter how often anyone knocked, or called her name, she wasn't going to respond. No one was going to see her like this.

For a while, there was silence. Whoever was outside the door had left. Garnet relaxed again, just a little, as the tears began to trickle down her face once more. Maybe they'd leave her alone now, let her have time to grieve. Whatever she had had with Dillan, it was gone now. And it was all her fault. She screwed up her face, burying her head in the pillow, and wept soundlessly. No one would hear, no one would see, no one would ever know how badly she'd messed up. Not even Dillan. No one could know.

"Garnet?"

Another voice, but she knew this one. Dillan. Another knock on the door, but this time she knew who it must be.

"Garnet, are you okay?"

No, her mind whispered silently. I'm not okay, but I don't want you here.

"Garnet, answer me."

She didn't. She wouldn't.

Whatever was happening outside the door now, she couldn't understand it. Dillan's voice murmured something, and got a response from another woman's voice, this one a little higher. Then silence. Garnet tried to ignore them, holding her pillow over her ears as well as mouth. It was a little hard to breathe, but she didn't care. They couldn't get in.

And then the lock slid open with a tiny metallic click.

"Garnet?" Without the muffling of the door, Dillan's voice sounded so much softer, so much tenderer. Garnet stayed perfectly still, trying to control her sobs. The Gaidar's footsteps moved closer. "Garnet, honey, it's okay." Her weight tilted the mattress slightly, and Garnet fought to avoid rolling towards her. She wasn't going to uncurl, she wasn't going to give in even a little bit. And she wasn't going to let Dillan see she was crying, not now.

Dillan's hand touched her back, soothing, stroking. Garnet stiffened, hoping the Gaidar would get the hint to stop. She didn't, though; her hand stilled, but didn't move away. Suddenly furious, the Sei'Tar lashed out, exploding upwards as she hit Dillan's hand away from her. The Mistress of Arms blinked, but didn't move as Garnet stood up and glowered down at her.

"Dark One take you!" she snarled. "Don't you touch me, Dillan al'Tierney. Don't you flaming well touch me!"

The Gaidar looked down, away from Garnet's gaze, but even that small concession didn't help. Trembling with rage and fear – what would Dillan do when she'd recovered from the shock of being sworn at by one of her trainees? – Garnet pointed to the door. "Get out of my flaming room," she hissed. "And don't come back. I hate you. I hate you!"

"All right." Dillan's voice was quiet. She stood and walked away almost as if Garnet hadn't spoken, as if she didn't even exist. Still shaking, the Sei'Tar watched her out of the room, and then sank to the bed. She wanted to cry again, but she couldn't. Oh Light, protect me and guide me. Help me now. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry...

Dillan Gaidar
IV: This Could Be Messy
Tue Jun 22, 2004 6:12am

She had no idea what to do next. Garnet was out of control, or near enough, and Dillan could see all her careful plans gently sliding into oblivion. She needed the girl to take her place, to become the Mistress of Arms. She needed Garnet safe, and whole, and sane enough to be able to do the job she was made for. Dillan rubbed her forehead with the palm of her head, trying to calm the raging whirlpool of her thoughts long enough to make sense. There had to be something she could do. There had to be a way to salvage this, to...not repair what had happened, because there was quite possibly no way to do that, but make it a little bit better.

Ah, Light. For a moment, like the Sei'Tar who called her back, she'd thought Garnet must have hurt herself. If she had...Light, if she had, this would be a disaster. It already was a disaster. There was no time to undo this mistake, no way to start again with another Aethan'Tar. Even the thought made the Mistress of Arms groan. Another five or six years here for nothing. She would go mad before her successor was anywhere near ready. It had to be Garnet, and it had to be now. Somehow, it had to be very soon. The Tower could no longer hold them both.

Her trainees hurried past her as she stood in the corridor, hands cupped in front of her face as she thought. The Sei'Tar were darting her strange glances, obviously wondering what was going on. Dillan could feel the beginnings of a headache behind her eyes, and for perhaps the first time in her life wished that she were bonded. It was harder to hurt Warders, or so she'd heard; maybe a bond would stave off the headache for a little while longer. Right now she desperately needed to think. But perhaps this was not the best place to do it. Her office would be better, if it was quiet – but when was it ever quiet?

Nevertheless, she could think of nowhere better. With a sigh, the Mistress of Arms walked down the hallways, her mind still racing around the problem. Garnet, the Tower, the two had to be joined somehow. How had she been tied? With her life, but she couldn't very well go around trying to kill the Sei'Tar just so that she could be the Mistress of Arms when she was raised. But there must surely be other ways. Garnet could not be made to swear an oath of loyalty, which ruled out another possibility. Nor was she allowed to try to make the girl fall in love, and that was at least partially because Garnet thought she was in love with Dillan. Just bloody great.

It came to her with the speed only brilliant ideas can have. Dillan jerked to a halt in the middle of the corridor, hastily probing for flaws in her plan. There didn't seem to be any. The people tied tightest of all to the White Tower were not the Gaidin, but the Aes Sedai they served. And what were the Gaidin for, after all, if not to belong to Aes Sedai? To be Warders. Dillan served in her own way, as Donica's Warder without the benefits of a formal bond. It was the same thing, or near enough. Garnet would make a good Warder. All she needed was a bondholder.

But who? None of the Aes Sedai Dillan knew were likely to agree to bond a Warder sight unseen, just because the Mistress of Arms asked them to. She would have no good excuse, after all, and the Aes Sedai – thank the Light and the Creator! – thought that a bond without consent was as good as rape. Getting Garnet to actually agree could be another problem, but Dillan was certain she could do it. If she had to she'd bribe the girl. Blackmail wouldn't work, nor would threats. And while the thought of any form of coercion froze Dillan's blood, if it had to be done then she would do it.

There was another problem. Aes Sedai could leave the White Tower whenever they wanted. It was true that most of the time they did not, but what if whoever was chosen suddenly decided to go rampaging around the lands? It had to be someone who would not leave, someone who...the Keeper. This seemed like another stroke of genius, except Dillan was no longer sure she wasn't just fooling herself into thinking she had a solution. It all seemed a little bit too easy. Probably it was too easy; probably Elienna would say no. But there was surely no harm in trying.

The offices of the Keeper of the Chronicles and the Amyrlin Seat were in the opposite direction to Dillan's, from where she was now. The Mistress of Arms glanced towards Garnet's room, and then sighed and set off away from her own offices and towards Elienna's. It was a relatively long walk; she would have time to work out whether or not she was right. But Light, she knew there was no other options. It was this or it was nothing, and after so long forced to remain in the White Tower Dillan knew she could not survive much longer.

Getting to see the Keeper was not such a difficult task as getting to see the Amyrlin, for which Dillan was thankful. Being the Mistress of Arms helped quite a bit, and she was fairly positive she could have gotten in to see Hesper if she'd really wanted to. But for the moment, Elienna was the one she needed. She didn't know the woman well, had barely met her even before she was raised to Aes Sedai and afterwards only at official things, like festivals or when there were reports the Amyrlin needed. Asking her to take the bond of a Sei'Tar was not something Dillan was especially looking forward to.

Still, she knocked on the door, and looked around it when the Keeper's soft voice beckoned her in. Elienna recognized her, of course, just as Dillan recognized the other woman – it was hard not to know who the leaders of the White Tower were, and even though Dillan didn't really think of herself as a leader she was partially responsible for the Gaidin's trainees. She smiled, and got a puzzled smile in return.

"It's not official business I'm here on, Elienna Sedai," Dillan said quietly, stepping into the room. "I have a favour to ask of you."

Elienna Sedai
Definition
Tue Jun 22, 2004 8:05pm

Some days, Elienna wondered how she had gotten here, she thought as she sat at her desk. More papers awaited her signature, but her hand hurt, so she had started thinking of the thirteen-year old girl who had arrived at the Tower in the care of Shyrakina Sedai. Certainly that girl had no notions of becoming the Keeper of the Chronicles, and certainly not at such a young age. There were days that Elienna felt overwhelmed by her job, no matter how much she enjoyed being in service to Hesper and the Tower—she simply was too young, as some of the Sitters had said. But that was their plan, wasn't it? They had given Hesper a list of suggestions after the Amyrlin had not chosen a Keeper for several months, names of young Aes Sedai who they could control.

It is a delicate balance an Amyrlin seeks to gain control of with her Hall… Elienna thought, touching the blue fabric of her stole with her left hand. Hesper had said that to her on several occasions. The young Keeper thought she might have tired of Tower politics already, despite knowing that if she lived out her full lifetime perhaps two hundred years of it were in her future. Still, she considered the alternative—dying like the women in her raising to Aes Sedai, like Ariana Sedai likely had—and she wanted to master this great task of leading the Tower through the Last Battle. That was worth grappling with the Hall of the Tower for.

A knock sounded on the door, and Elienna wondered who it might be—if it was Neilani, she should perhaps resume her paperwork while the White Sitter tried to advise her. Still, she had a feeling it would be neither Neilani nor any other Sitter, so she told whoever it might be to enter. The door opened and Elienna saw the face of the Mistress of Arms peering around it. Certainly not a Sitter to try to instruct her, then. But why would she want to speak to Elienna? The Keeper smiled at Dillan, a little puzzled at this. Elienna never had any interest in the affairs of the Training Grounds…certainly some of the Greens seemed to think she should bond a Warder, but that was no reason for Dillan Gaidar to turn up in her office with a favor to ask.

"A favor?" Elienna asked with a slight tilt of her head the only change in her expression. "Of what sort?"

"Not something you would have heard before," said Dillan. "One of my trainees needs to become a Warder."

Certainly not something Elienna had heard before. She found herself stunned at the enormity of Dillan's request, although her emotions did not show. One of the trainees…needed to…she wanted Elienna to bond someone? Why? "Aes Sedai do not bond Warders lightly," she said, her voice serious. "Why do you think the trainee needs a bond?"

Dillan's tone was solemn. "Elienna Sedai, this girl has been through a series of traumatic events, and she is not stable. She is one of my most promising trainees, and the Tower cannot afford to lose her. If she is left alone, with no one she can live for and love, I fear for her life."

Elienna nodded, remaining silent. For the good of the Tower, and for the girl's own good, she thought she could bond the trainee—if she gave permission to Elienna. It might save her life, and Elienna did not want to see her die if she could do good. And Light knew the bond did make you want to live. In that shadow world Elienna had bonded Riefien to save his life. But it could also plunge you into despair in case of death, and she thought that Keepers had not had long lifespans lately. What harm could it do to speak to the girl?

"I'd like to meet her," Elienna said finally. "And see if she has any interest in becoming my Warder. Only then can I bond her, you understand."

Dillan nodded. "I will bring her to you," she said, leaving the room. Elienna sat back in her chair once the Mistress of Arms had left, the thought running through her head that this might be more interesting than the average day of dealing with the world's troubles. Bonding someone today who might not be entirely willing…if Elienna thought that her life might be more important than her own desire, she might do that, but she wondered how it might strain their relationship if it seemed Elienna had simply slapped a bond on the poor girl. For they would certainly have to work together. At least the Greens will be happy, if she is as promising as Dillan says, Elienna could not help thinking. Even if the two of us are not.

Garnet Sei'Tar
Devastation
Tue Jun 22, 2004 8:50pm

"You can't command me!"

"Garnet, you know that's not true."

Could nothing ruffle that Light-burned woman? Dillan's voice was as even as ever, not a hint of anger or guilt. The Sei'Tar let loose a string of curses inside her head. How dare she come in here again, and demand that Garnet accompany her? She wasn't going to move. And nothing the Mistress of Arms did or said could make her. It wasn't fair. Garnet fought back the tears that were prickling behind her eyelids again. Dillan had seen her weak too often before, and it wasn't going to happen again. This was all Dillan's fault. All of it.

"Look, Garnet," Dillan said, her tone perfectly reasonable, "either you will walk with me, or I will pick you up and carry you." The Sei'Tar glowered. The worst of it was that she could very well imagine Dillan making good on that threat, and the indignity of being dragged through the halls by a Gaidar was not something anyone could live down. And she almost wanted to be carried, to feel Dillan's arms around her. No, no, no! She would not stoop that low. Dillan would not touch her again if Garnet had anything to do with it.

Without speaking, she slunk over to the doorway where the Mistress of Arms stood. Dillan nodded and stepped out again, marching down the corridors as if she had no thought that Garnet might not obey her. Unfortunately, she had guessed correctly; having decided to behave, the Sei'Tar was going to go through with it. The only thing more undignified than being carried down the halls was being chased through the halls first, and Garnet had no doubt that Dillan would not only chase her but catch her. If the woman was determined to take her to the Keeper, so be it. Garnet would go. It didn't mean she had to like it.

Nor did it mean she had to give any sign that this was something she wanted to do. Scuffing her shoes against the floor, hands shoved deep in her pockets, Garnet sulked as hard as any teenager in the Pattern's weavings. The curious stares of the other trainees slid off her, serving only to irritate her even further. They didn't have to contend with the woman they had loved, and now had to try to ignore, telling them what to do. They weren't being told they weren't allowed to leave the Tower when they'd already packed half their clothes.

The thought of going back home now galled her; Garnet did not like the idea of having to explain to her parents that she'd made the wrong decision. Her father had never gone back on any decision he'd made, and ever since she was small he'd taught her to do the same. They had not been at all happy when she went to the White Tower, but they hadn't stopped her either. It was the first thing she'd done on her own, and that meant she had to stick to it. Papa had stuck to everything. Even when it looked as though he might have poured the whole family fortune into a wasteland, he hadn't given up, and look at him now.

Still, Papa hadn't had to contend with Dillan al'Tierney. The Light-cursed woman could destroy anyone, capture them under her spell and then tear them to pieces, leaving the devastation for someone else to clean up. Unless this was her idea of cleaning up, whatever this was. Garnet glanced up at Dillan's back and sighed. Even now, furious and hurt as she was, she could not deny that the older woman stirred something deep inside her. She still wanted to kiss Dillan again. It just wasn't fair.

When the Mistress of Arms stopped suddenly, Garnet almost bumped into her. Dillan had paused in front of a door every child of the Tower knew well, the door leading to the Keeper's offices and from there into the Amyrlin's. What was the point of this? If Dillan wanted her gone, all she would have had to do was leave her alone. Garnet did not need to be formally removed from the Tower, for that was about the only thing she could think of that would need the Amyrlin. That, or a punishment – but she had never heard of the Amyrlin punishing a Sei'Tar, and she hadn't done anything that wrong.

But when the door opened, it was not to a stern-looking Keeper and an order to wait for the Amyrlin. Garnet glanced down at the floor, then took her hands out of her pockets. No matter how miserable you might be, it did not do to show any kind of disrespect to an Aes Sedai, and particularly not the second most important woman in the Tower. She bowed, as elegantly as she knew how, and risked a glance at the Keeper as she rose again. It had to be the Keeper, of course; her stole proclaimed as much. Certainly it was not Hesper Sedai, the Amyrlin; even Garnet knew exactly what Hesper looked like. This woman was...different.

"Elienna Sedai," Dillan said, and bowed as well. "May I introduce Garnet Ayriel do Jin a'Lucien Sei'Tar." It seemed prudent to bow once more, so Garnet did. She thought she caught the glimmer of a smile on the Keeper's face, but by now she was probably hallucinating. Aes Sedai rarely found anything at all amusing. Glancing at Dillan, she saw regret passing across the Gaidar's expression, and tensed. What is she doing to me?

"Elienna Sedai is willing to take you as her Warder, Garnet."

Garnet felt her lip quiver. She bit it, hard, and fought not to yelp as hot blood spilled into her mouth. The tears threatened again. Dillan was watching her closely; she could feel the woman's gaze on her. How could you? Asking the Gaidar would not get her any clear answer. When Gaidin wanted, they could be as tricky as Aes Sedai. Still, she could not help but look at Dillan, hoping for some kind of salvation in her eyes. The Mistress of Arms gave nothing away. Garnet sighed, and bowed her head.

"If you will have me, Aes Sedai, I will serve," she said softly. There really didn't seem to be anything else to do.

Elienna Sedai
Devolution
Tue Jun 22, 2004 11:05pm

Maybe she was just naïve, but Elienna wanted Garnet to like her, to regard her with something other than resignation. She wanted to bond the girl, for a reason she wasn't quite sure of. Maybe it was just the look in her eyes, or because Dillan worried about her will to live. But Garnet looked so sad. She somehow reminded Elienna of…no, she couldn't say what; it had slipped away from her. Some kind of sadness she had known, a long time ago? There had been a time as an Accepted when Elienna had believed her life was not going anywhere, but it was nothing like the silent despair she saw on Garnet's face. She wanted to make the Sei'Tar's life better, not worse.

But now that Elienna had seen Garnet, now that she knew her name, she didn't want her to kill herself because of her despair. If the bond would help her live, so be it. And she supposed the Sei'Tar had given her consent, agreeing to serve. She smiled sadly as she embraced saidar and began to weave flows of Spirit in the intricate weave she had learned from one of the sisters shortly after her raising. The smile felt strange on her face, likely because smiles did not appear on her slowing face often, but it was genuine. "Thank you," Elienna said as she wove, taking care with each flow that settled into Garnet. I hope I don't do anything to hurt her…in any way… Even before they were bonded, Elienna cared about her—she just hoped it wouldn't take too long for Garnet to come to care. She probably will hate me for a time, though.

She had been crying, Elienna noticed, the last flows settling into Garnet. The Keeper's brow furrowed at the unfamiliar sensation of having someone else's emotions in her head—there had been Riefien, yes, but he had been nowhere near as real as Garnet because he had only been in the ter'angreal. There were Garnet's emotions, palpable to Elienna as if they were her own. She could feel some of the deep sadness that plagued her, and a hint of surprise, likely at feeling Elienna. But she pulled back after only a moment, looking at the Sei'Tar. If it would help her, so be it…hopefully, it would. Elienna had come to like Garnet in these moments, and now that they were bonded she certainly did not want to see anything happen to her. She would not hurt Garnet any more than the girl already was wounded.

Looking toward the door, she saw Dillan was still there, watching. "I'll talk to you later, Dillan," Elienna said to the Mistress of Arms. "Right now I'd like to be alone with Garnet." She smiled slightly as the Gaidar left the room, then turned her attention to the Sei'Tar.

"Why did you do it?" Garnet asked slowly, looking into Elienna's eyes. "Did she ask you to?"

She stayed silent for a moment, thinking about her answer before she decided not to avoid the truth. It was what Garnet deserved. "Yes," Elienna said simply. "She said it might save your life. And when I saw you, I did want to." The bond spoke for her in some ways—some things could not be spoken.

Garnet looked away. "Oh…" She didn't feel any better, just worse. When she started to cry, Elienna wasn't even sure what to do. Someone she was closer to, she might have tried to comfort right away, but it had been a long time since Elienna had a close friend. If Garnet was a friend yet. She had just met the girl, just bonded her, and now she wanted to try to comfort her but didn't know how. If Elienna touched Garnet, how would she react? She silently offered her a handkerchief from the desk, a somber look on her face.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Elienna asked, knowing she would want to know this someday whether Garnet wanted to speak now or not. It seemed like the natural thing to say. She looked at Garnet, trying not to stare.

Garnet
Dissolution
Sat Jun 26, 2004 10:09pm

She watched Dillan all the way out of the room, fixated on the woman she loved and hated the most in all the world. The Mistress of Arms only glanced at her once, dark eyes sending a message Garnet could not interpret. New emotions whirled in her head, and they were not her own. It was as though she were seeing double, almost, for although she stood here and watched Dillan move away from her for what might be the last time, she could feel Elienna like a double of herself standing not so far away, watching. All the loss and pain she felt must be going to her new bondholder, just as concern and tenderness came back to her. It soothed her, but not enough to calm either of them down much.

Asking Elienna if Dillan had had anything to do with this bond was almost reflex; Dillan seemed to be capable of changing her life with just a twitch of a finger. She spoke, and the Wheel turned to accommodate her wishes. There was no point in fighting it, and so she didn't. Instead, she allowed the emotions that had threatened ever since that moment such a short time ago, when Dillan had pushed her away, to overwhelm her. Once again, as she had alone in her room, Garnet allowed the tears to come. It did not matter if Elienna saw. The Aes Sedai knew how it hurt anyway.

"What happened," she whispered. "Light, Aes Sedai, you don't want to know what happened." But she wanted to tell it, suddenly, so that Elienna might have a chance of understanding. Bonds could not, so far as Garnet knew, be broken except by the death of one of the partners, and she would not ever let Elienna die. There had been stories of bonds being passed, but they were just that – stories. For the rest of her life, then, she would belong to this Aes Sedai, and even Garnet knew that to work properly together there needed to be trust. Dillan knew exactly what she was doing – even now her grief was being subsumed by the desire to keep Elienna safe.

It still hurt, of course - Light, how it still hurt – but maybe she could forgot, just for a little while. After she told Elienna the truth, perhaps she could forget and concentrate on her new task. Wiping the tears from her face with the handkerchief that the Aes Sedai had gently supplied, Garnet managed to gain some control over herself. She shivered, wrapping her arms around herself, and closed her eyes. It seemed like a dream, but it could not be. Everything had led inexorably to this moment, and for sure this was not a dream because she knew she couldn't imagine a bond so clearly.

"I fell in love," Garnet admitted. "With...with the Mistress of Arms. I kissed her." If her life was ruined, and she had nothing left to lose, there could be no harm in telling her bondholder the truth. They would have to work together, and Garnet knew that trust was required in such a situation. If Dillan had meant for what had happened to be kept a secret, surely she would not have done this. Garnet was tied tighter to this woman than she could ever have been tied by a vow of marriage; there was no way to keep secrets from her bondholder. "She hates me now."

"Oh." The Aes Sedai was silent for a few moments, apparently considering what it would be best to say next. "I'm sorry," she added. "I want you to know, she's not punishing you for falling in love." Garnet shook her head, trying to think of a polite way to disagree. Dillan might not intend to punish her, but the result was the same as if she'd spent days dreaming up the best possible method. What could be worse than to have your deepest secrets exposed to an Aes Sedai who you barely even knew? Elienna would learn everything; Garnet was not so naïve as to believe she could keep anything hidden from now on.

"She's punishing me," she answered quietly. "In her own way. And, Light knows, she may not even have thought this through. But Aes Sedai, don't you see...she's making sure I can't be near her. It's a punishment." Elienna looked at her carefully, then nodded slowly, as if she understood. Garnet wasn't so sure that she did, but she was not about to argue with an Aes Sedai, even her bondholder. The trainees were taught only a little about what to expect when they were bonded, and she had forgotten much of it already. The little she still knew would not be enough to tell her what Elienna could and couldn't do and feel. It was all too new to experiment. Aes Sedai were powerful creatures.

"May I...just stay here with you?" Garnet asked. "Aes Sedai, I...don't know anything about you, and I would try not to interfere with your work, but I would rather not leave, just yet. It's...so new." She knew Elienna knew what she meant, could sense the hesitation and confusion. Besides, Dillan was out there, and she did not want to go near Dillan. "Please?"

"Of course," her bondholder said, and smiled. Garnet smiled back.

Dillan
Disintegration
Sun Jun 27, 2004 7:32pm

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened...

The Mistress of Arms could not weep. But Light, how she wanted to! Even the guilt of Azaria's death, of knowing that if she'd been just that little bit more vigilant maybe she could have saved her daughter's life, could not compare to the guilt she felt over what she'd done to Garnet. For it was she who had done it; without her interference, it never would have happened. Forcing the girl into a bond, tying her to the Tower not for Garnet's own good but for Dillan's - it stung, and she had regretted it even as she did it. But it was for the good of the White Tower, and if Dillan were honest it was for her sake as well. With Garnet as the new Mistress of Arms, as she would be, Dillan would be free.

Ah Light, Garnet. She'd only been a child when she arrived - she was only a child now, and should have been guarded and protected. Instead, Dillan had pushed her out to face the storm, knowing perfectly well that the girl wouldn't be prepared for what she was about to meet. It was a little easier if she told herself there was no help for it, that the Wheel was weaving its own pattern and this must be part of it. The problem was that she'd always hated the thought of that ever-spinning Wheel, especially considering what it had done to her own life and to Donica's. The Creator did not often seem to be benevolent.

There was still time. She could not undo Garnet's bond, but she could keep the girl from further harm by sacrificing herself. There would be no point to that, though - better a Mistress of Arms who hated her predecessor than one who would inevitably crash and burn. The Tower could not afford to lose any more leaders after the turbulent last few years. It had not been long before Dillan arrived that the former Amyrlin, a woman named Ariana who was still thought well of by the Aes Sedai, had been murdered, and her Keeper had died too. The two most important women in the world - and that was without going into the Tsovoran'm'haels, the M'Haels themselves, the Head Gaidar, the Master of Arms...all within the past fifty-odd years. Too many, and she could not add to their number.

Garnet's eyes, as she'd been bonded...Dillan had never seen such a sight in her life, and hoped it would never be repeated. The girl had known exactly what was happening, and why; the betrayal in her face had cut to the bone. And yet even as she pinned Dillan to the wall with her love and hate, there had been a kind of awe and surprise. In the end, with the bond holding her, she had seemed almost a new person. Maybe there was something to be said for the Aes Sedai's methods of control over the Gaidin who served them. Given time, perhaps Garnet would learn to be happy. At the very least she would now learn to care for herself, if only because her death would harm Elienna.

The Mistress of Arms sighed and pushed herself away from the wall, where she'd leaned as soon as she emerged from the Keeper's office. If anyone thought it strange to see her in such a place, they didn't comment, curious stares not visible among the passers-by. Maybe it seemed entirely natural that Dillan should be there; they might all think that she'd just been given a thorough dressing-down by the Amyrlin. No matter; let them think what they liked. It would not be important for long now, and she had never cared much for her reputation. Far more vital was making sure Rysor agreed with her. Without the support of the Head Gaidin, Garnet would never replace her.

It was not far to her office, or rather the office that would not be hers much longer. Rysor would be there, or else he would be out in the training yards watching the spars and practising. It was part of the job that he seemed to enjoy; paperwork, as far as Dillan could tell, was not the strong suit of the Head Gaidin. It was most certainly not something she liked doing. Given the chance, she would be out with her trainees. Not yours any more. Maybe that would be the hardest part; much as she disliked the job, she loved the responsibility, knowing that she could change a life. It was almost like having Azaria back, sometimes.

Not now, though, not when she'd destroyed a life as she changed it. I'm so sorry, Garnet. She would never say that to the young woman, never tell her that she hadn't meant to do any damage. The truth was that although she might not have wanted to hurt the girl, she had known what would happen before she carried it out. That was called premeditation, she was pretty sure of it, and it incurred a terrible penalty when it came to crimes against a person's body or life. Thank the Light there was no punishment for destroying a person's life, save for that inflicted by her own conscience.

Dillan bit her lip as she reached the door of the office she shared with Rysor. This was the deciding moment. She could still turn back, but even as she told herself there was still a chance she knew she wouldn't. Garnet's life was about to change, for better or for worse. Rather than knock - she still had the tendency to knock at her own door - Dillan took a deep breath, preparing herself. When she looked around the door, Rysor was there, sitting at the desk in front of another trainee. Not one she recognized, so he must be new - they were just flooding in these days. Dillan waited patiently until the boy's name had been written down, and instructions given as to how to survive, and slipped in as the dazed Aethan'Tar escaped.

"Dillan," her fellow leader greeted her. Dillan smiled at him, and sat down in the chair the new trainee had so recently occupied.

"Rysor," she told the Head Gaidin, "I think I've found our new Mistress of Arms."

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