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Site Picks Dillan al'Tierney & Accepted Twilla Donica: "Back From the Blight" Dillan al'Tierney Gaidar She frowned at the tattered edge of auburn hair hanging into her eyes, then took a careful hold of it and cut the ragged part off. It hadn't been cut since before she was sent into the Blight, but now red strands were falling to the floor in profusion. Her hair had reached her shoulders, far too long for Dillan's liking, and the fringe kept falling into her eyes. Well, not any more - it was back in its bob now, and could be tucked back behind her ears when she wanted to keep it from being a distraction. Light, but it was good to be clean again! Dil glanced at the fancloak hanging across the back of her chair and grinned proudly. That had only been earned via the hardest mission she'd ever been given, but now she thought it might have been worth it. She was tied to the Tower forever, true, but then Donica would likely remain here for her entire life - and in any case, the Novice would be here at least until Dillan died. Aes Sedai normally had to wait a fair few years before being sent out through the lands, Dil knew, and assuming it took Doni another year to be raised Accepted, then perhaps five more to gain the shawl - it might take less; her lover was good with the Power - then she would have to wait at least ten years after that before she left. Then, Dillan would be thirty-eight, and most likely would have been killed in battle. She would try not to, of course - she had to protect Doni. But Doni would find herself a Warder, and when she did, Dil would have to step away. She had to serve the Tower. Donica needed the best Warder she could get, as did all Aes Sedai and all those were training to become one. Dillan, as she knew very well, was not the best Warder, so it stood to reason that she would not be Bonded. That wasn't really an issue, though - she would rather be tied to the almighty White Tower than to one particular man or woman, unless that person was Donica. And, of course, Donica needed a better Warder than she could be, so... Dillan smiled ruefully. She'd gone over this in her head again and again, and always came up with the same ending. The Tower owned her life; she would die in the Tower's service. That was all there was to it. With a sigh, she wandered over to her chair and lifted the fancloak from it, slinging the colour-changing cloak over her shoulders. She'd wanted this cloak for three years, and had almost despaired of ever getting it. But now it was hers, and the only thing spoiling her delight was the thought that now, some Aes Sedai might ask her to be their Warder, and she would have to agree. It was a problem. She didn't want to be Bonded, not at all, but she had to obey the White Tower, and all Aes Sedai were extensions of the Tower. If an Aes Sedai wanted to Bond her, then that was an order from the Tower. Nor could she try to hide in the background, either - she would be needed to teach, to guard Aes Sedai, to train and be the best she could be. That would draw attention, and...no, she wasn't going to think about it. She was going to go and find Donica. Light, but she loved the girl! Dil's recently-found stony mask couldn't seem to hold up to thoughts of her lover, shattering into a smile whenever Donica's face floated through her mind. Gaidin weren't supposed to show emotion, but how could they help but be happy at the thought of someone they loved? She certainly couldn't help it. Any mention of the Sea Folk had her ears pricking; any sight of black braids had her staring in that direction. So where would her young love be? Probably classes. Novices always had classes. But then, every now and then they also had free time, and perhaps if she was lucky Doni would. Or she might be haunting the library, if she had essays to write - and she normally did. Nodding at this thought, the young Gaidar set off at a march towards the Browns' favourite hiding spot. It was quiet, as always, but filled with the soft rustling of pages and the whispers of the Brown sisters who practically lived here. Dillan bowed to each man and woman she passed, except for the occasional Aethan'Tar or Sei'Tar - and they bowed to her the moment they realized she was wearing a fancloak. Her progress wasn't impeded, though; long ago she had learnt to bow as she walked, so she could move through a room full of Aes Sedai almost as quickly as through an empty space. It was a good ability to have, in the White Tower of Tar Valon. Near the back of the east section, her eye was caught by a single white Novice dress, a Brown sister bending over the girl seated at a desk. Dillan tilted her head to one side, trying to catch a glimpse of the girl's hair. It was likely to be Doni, over here - books on the Sea Folk were nearby, and Browns were always quizzing the Sea Folk Novices over bits of information within. Donica was one of the most talkative of those Novices, as far as Dillan knew - or perhaps just the least likely to give information grudgingly. A few of the Sea Folk didn't want the Aes Sedai to know anything at all about their culture. The Brown sister patted the Novice on the back, and headed back towards Dillan. The Gaidar bowed as the older woman passed, and then made her way silently towards the girl at the table. She could identify her lover from a distance, now, something that had surprised her when she realized it, and the studying woman was Donica. So, therefore, Dillan slid into the chair opposite her, reaching out to cover the Novice's hand with her own. "Hello, love," she whispered, and grinned as Doni looked up in surprise. "Any chance of you escaping your work for a while?" Donica din Tearin Donica slouched in her chair, half sprawled over the table and half trying to stay awake. It wasn't working too well. She had been in the Library for an hour and three quarters, and had only fifteen more minutes to go. She wanted to leave, but Yvonne Sedai had required her to be in this particular section for her study period, when Donica would have much preferred to occupy a portion of the Library that afforded one a view onto the Training Grounds. Unfortunately; that section tended to be occupied by Greens or those aspiring to the emerald Ajah, or silly girls in Novice Whites who simply wanted a chance to titter over men training with their shirts off. Donica had originally been there for that purpose - not tittering, but watching the men (or rather, man) train. That had changed all too swiftly, but she had still occupied the same spot, this time watching a woman. It had become harder and harder for her to remain by the large windows; the other Novices had known of Shaun and her connection and closeness to him, but when he had left, they had seen no reason to tolerate her presence. Donica became a waste of space, and they resented her for even filling up one chair. More than once a haughty stare had been directed at her. Then, she had merely kept her head down and her eyes on her book. But now, the Aes Sedai had seen the looks that the others were giving her, and rather than risk the precious camaraderie that was already so thin between their trainees, they had her doing other things. Unfortunately for her, it was answering questions about her culture. This process had been going on for almost four months; sometimes they came close to dragging her out of the study section. From this secluded vantage point, Donica was actually being given a bonus. She could watch the other Novices as much as she wanted, occasionally pointing out books to them when they passed by 'her' section. The volumes on other cultures were in one level, and it was in the centre of these that she usually sat to study. The other girls often travelled in packs; how these were assembled, she had never bothered to figure out. But the comments that they shared between one another were silly and frivolous, and it made her shake her head in wonderment at how immature girls could remain in the Tower for more than a week. Even some of the Accepted were being foolish enough to make Arwyn look logical and cool-headed, when she had been Accepted for thirty-odd years for a reason. Many of these girls were here because this life was better than their previous one, or would one day lead them to more prestige than they would have otherwise achieved within their households. Very few had had their training given to them as another duty, as an expectation for them to fulfil. Donica had, and by the Light, she would make them proud of her one way or another. If she had to start here, by answering stupid questions, then she would. She blinked, straightening in her chair, and looked down at the book under her hands. The words blurred and faded. Donica couldn't concentrate, and hadn't been able to for weeks. Dillan was gone; she had just disappeared off of the face of the earth. If she had left a note, or an explanation, or… Light, anything, she would not have been consumed by this apprehension. She wanted to get up and wander around, because walking seemed to be the only thing that kept her stomach from eating away at itself. But Yvonne, though out of sight, would swoop down upon her and would remind her with a few tart, but polite, phrases that she was supposed to obey her wishes. And those 'wishes' meant that she had to stay here, in this chair, for the next fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes until she could crawl up to her room and sleep. She had a lesson to occupy her afternoon, but no one would miss one small Novice. She would miss chores this evening, certainly, but very few would notice that, either. For one so different, she managed to hide remarkably well. Donica watched the only clock in the room avidly, eyes following the black lines as they inched slowly closer to the top. She tried to read to make the time go faster, but didn't get anywhere. She had read three pages over the last two hours, and had answered a grand total of one question for Yvonne. Yes, because I'm so useful here - Her thoughts were cut off by a woman in a pale dress swooping down upon her. "Your time is up, Novice," Yvonne said grumpily, staring at Donica down her long nose. "You will be here for your next study period, yes?" "I will do my best, Aes Sedai," she said quietly, and before she could get up to curtsy, Yvonne had sniffed and swept off to bother some other poor Novice. Donica's eyes fell back down to the book, and she sighed. Why did they persist on putting her through this? But she would show them just how good she could be - "Hello, love," a familiar voice whispered. Donica looked up in surprise, then had to blink several times to ensure that she was seeing whom she thought she was. "Any chance of you escaping your work for a while?" "Dil?" she whispered, staring at the spectre. "She has remembered my name…" A smile stretched her surprised expression, and it took all of her self-control to keep from jumping up and kissing Dillan in the middle of the Library. That would attract too much attention, but it was at that instant she noticed the hand holding her own. She took Dillan's fingers, entwining them in her own. They felt real enough, but… Was she actually here? Or was Dillan just a figure of her imagination…? She took back her hand, and pressed the book shut, standing. Dillan followed suit, the smile that had been dancing over her lips fading. Donica wanted to turn and run; Light, could her mind really be this cruel…? "Doni?" Dillan asked quietly, moving forward and touching Donica's cheek. Against her will, Donica closed her eyes and pressed her cheek against Dillan's hand. Yes, she was real. "You're back…" she whispered, and flung herself into Dillan's arms. They came around her, holding her tighter. "I am," Dillan replied into Donica's hair. Her breath was warm against her neck. "Where were you, Dil?" she asked, pulling back just enough to be able to see the other woman's face. "Two weeks… But no, you're here now. I won't pry…" Doni nuzzled her head into Dillan's shoulder, trembling with relief. "You're back… Light, I missed you!" Dillan Gaidar Until the moment that Donica almost threw herself into the Gaidar's arms, Dillan had been wondering if her struggle through the Blight had been for nothing. Was the Novice searching for the words that would tell Dil that she was no longer needed, no longer a part of the younger girl's life? Only Aes Sedai could read faces well enough to almost be able to see into minds - Dillan had no chance of understanding what any Novice felt, let alone this one. Donica was a puzzle. But one you know how to put together and take apart, the Novice's remembered voice said softly in her mind. "Where were you, Dil?" Donica asked, a hint of...was it reproach, hidden in her voice? Dillan bit her lip, not sure whether she could face Doni's righteous anger at her sudden departure. The Novice's dark eyes scanned hers, and now Dil had to bite her lip harder so as not to kiss the girl. It wouldn't be a good idea, not here where everyone could see. "Two weeks," Doni added, almost dreamily. "But no, you're here now. I won't pry...You're back...Light, I missed you!" She added, burying her face in the Gaidar's shoulder. Dillan rocked her gently, feeling the Novice's body trembling. Light, was it truly her return that was causing such a strong reaction? Only Azaria had minded her absence, before. And how to explain what had happened? Donica had obviously not noticed the fancloak draped around her body, but she would, soon, and Dillan couldn't imagine what would happen then. If a relationship between a Novice and Sei'Tar had been unusual, that of a Novice and Gaidar would be almost unthinkable. Still, Dil didn't plan to give up her Sea Folk girl without a fight. "Come with me," she whispered into Donica's ear. Perhaps the best way to explain it was to show her, rather than tell. Doni reluctantly let go her grip on the Gaidar, who slid an arm around the slightly smaller Novice's shoulders. Many of the Gaidin in Training wandered around with an arm slung over their friends' shoulders, and Novices clasped their arms loosely around each other's waists while they walked, just as Donica was now doing. They would not be remarkable. They moved in silence, just comfortable being together again, until the entrance to the Sei'Tar barracks where Dillan's room had been came up. Doni slowed for a moment, then glanced curiously at Dillan when she kept walking. Ahead, as Dil knew Doni knew, was only the Gaidin barracks. Had she been the Novice, she would have wondered what had possessed her lover. To walk into the Gaidin barracks was almost unthinkable, if you were not a Gaidin yourself or seeking one. The support staff of the White Tower moved fast. Already Dillan had a room - a large one, at least compared to her previous one - and, what was more, a nameplate on her door. It was much more simple than those she'd seen in the Ajah quarters, just a rectangle of metal, but the inscription kept bringing a smile to Dillan's face. Dillan al'Tierney Gaidar. Me, at last. Donica noticed the name on the door at almost the same time as Dillan stopped walking, turning them towards the door. The Gaidar watched her lover's face worriedly, almost afraid of what Donica might do and say. She could see the Sea Folk girl's dark eyes skim over her, widening as she realized that Dillan was wearing a fancloak. "They sent me into the Blight," Dillan said softly, catching hold of Donica's chin and tilting it upwards so the Novice was looking into her eyes. "I thought they were only going to tell me I was to guard some Aes Sedai, and they would give me time to pack and find you before we left. Aes Sedai take time to get ready, you know, and there's always someone who knows where you are. But I was wrong. Rysor said I was to be tested to be Gaidar, and that I had to leave at once. Forgive me, Donica...I wouldn't have left without telling you if I could help it, but they gave me no time..." She could hear a note of pleading in her own voice, and tried not to let her face scrunch up at the remembered pain. Gaidin didn't feel pain, or anger, or fear, or anything - but she did, and somehow despite that she had been chosen to become one of the Tower's warriors. The only question now was what Donica would do. Their lives had suddenly become more difficult, and far more risky, with the addition of a simple cloak. Releasing her lover's chin, Dillan watched Donica's eyes, trying to gauge the girl's reaction to her news. Donica din Tearin Donica was edgy. Why were they in the Gaidin Barracks, and why was Dillan…? She had adopted an expressionless face almost unknowingly, masking all of her insecurities. She didn't want to mask her joy and happiness at Dillan's return, but if she showed too much in front of the wrong person, it could prove to be a disaster. So she remained silent and as calm as she could force herself to be. Which wasn't very, but on the surface she at least appeared to play the part. She had never been in the Gaidin Barracks before, but had passed by them on errands for Aes Sedai. She had always regarded them as the place that Dillan would one-day end up in, but a place completely off bounds nonetheless. The Sei'Tar quarters hadn't seemed so daunting. But the Gaidin Barracks were home to some of the coldest and most dangerous appearing people she had ever seen in her life. Dillan would be one of them, one day, just as she would one day join the ranks of the calm, serene, and expressionless Aes Sedai. One day, her mind whispered at her. Does it always come down to 'one day'? She tilted her head, and beads clicked. Yes, it does, she answered her own rhetorical question. Everything is a 'one day'. Never is it this day. The Gaidin Barracks didn't look much different from the Sei'Tar Barracks, except that the doors were spaced further apart, and there was no alcove at the front doors to house the supervising Gaidar. She smiled, remembering their stints at deceiving the full rankers who had been patrolling. They weren't over yet. She glanced over her shoulder, peering down the hallway in one direction, then the other. Dillan's arm around her shoulders pulled her to a stop right before a door, and she blinked. Had Dil not just halted them, she would have, for a kiss. No one was around - Her eyes caught sight of a small metal plate on the door, and she reflexively scanned the name. Donica was not expecting what she saw: Dillan al'Tierney Gaidar. She blinked, then turned to stare at her lover. For the first time, her eyes caught sight of a greenish-grey cloak hanging over Dillan's shoulders, half blending into the wooden panelling behind them to create a dizzying effect - Dillan's hand reached up, tenderly tilting Donica's chin upwards to meet her eyes. "They sent me into the Blight," she explained quietly. "I thought they were only going to tell me I was to guard some Aes Sedai, and they would give me time to pack and find you before we left. Aes Sedai take time to get ready, you know, and there's always someone who knows where you are. But I was wrong. Rysor said I was to be tested to be Gaidar, and that I had to leave at once. Forgive me, Donica…I wouldn't have left without telling you if I could help it, but they gave me no time…" Doni tilted her head as Dil's hand fell away. There had been a note of pleading in her lover's tone, as if she was worried that the Novice would be angry with her… Dillan's eyes were searching her own, and worry grew in her expression. She drew away thoughtfully, thinking about these new circumstances. She had first met Dillan in the Training Grounds, when she, as an Aethan'Tar, had been practising the forms with a crude sort of grace. She had been driven by revenge, by a thirst to kill Keir… Donica had held her own against Dillan then, and since then they had sometimes sparred together playfully, but had found more… interesting things to do with their bodies. They had gotten disapproving looks; it was considered inappropriate for a Sei'Tar to be overly friendly with a Novice, but they hadn't even known how 'overly friendly' they were… And here we are, her mind whispered at her, me still a Novice, and Dillan a Gaidar. She can leave now, she can be Bonded, she - Light help me, she can be Bonded… Blinking a few times, Donica returned her gaze - and her mind - to the present. Dillan, the woman who she loved, was standing before her. She was Gaidar, had the fancloth, and all of her dreams had been realised. Doni had years yet before she could gain the Shawl and realise her dreams… Which are? that little voice in the back of her head asked. What do you want to do, Donica? - I want to be Aes Sedai, I want to have Dillan… have her? Can I own her? She swallowed. I can Bond her. Dillan can be my Warder. And I want to see my family again, Talker, the ocean… But Dillan was Gaidar. She could be Bonded, and would… This was goodbye. Donica stepped closer to her lover, wrapping her arms around Dillan's neck. The Gaidar's arms curled around her waist, pulling her firmly against her. She tilted her head up for a kiss, and received one. Heat suffused her body; the same heat that had been present during the Festival of Lights. But she pulled away, just like she had then, only this time… this time was forever. "I understand, Dillan. I love you…" she touched Dillan's cheek gently, caressing the smooth skin. "I will always love you. Thank you for everything…" "Doni," Dillan whispered, "what are you saying?" "You belong to the Tower now," the Novice replied, blinking. "I cannot have you. You'll be Bonded by an Aes Sedai, and there's nothing I - a young, insignificant Novice - can do about it. It would be too painful for us to go on once that happens… and it will, Dil…" If it hasn't already. Dillan Gaidar "You belong to the Tower now. I cannot have you." Donica's voice seemed calm, her face the expressionless mask of the Aes Sedai. Dillan knew her own face was calm, too, but her eyes had to be showing her fear. What did Donica want now? "You'll be Bonded by an Aes Sedai, and there's nothing I - a young, insignificant Novice - can do about it. It would be too painful for us to go on once that happens...and it will, Dil..." "Donica," Dillan interrupted, but the Novice was already turning away from her, dark braids swinging around her shoulders. I belong to the Tower now. "Donica, please..." But her voice was almost silent, already resigned, and the Novice did not turn back. I can't be Donica's. Some Aes Sedai will Bond me. "Doni..." Dillan whispered. She doesn't want me. She didn't even look back. Dillan wrenched the cloak from her shoulders and kicked the door with all her strength. It flew open, slamming against the wall and rebounding back to be met with the Gaidar's arm. The impact hurt, but Dillan didn't care. She stormed into her room and threw the cloak down near the hearth, then reconsidered - she had good memories of a night beside a fire - and scooped it up in order to fling it into the closet, burying it at the very back. "If I hadn't earned you, I would still have Donica!" Dillan growled in its direction, then kicked the closet door shut. The dent in the door pained her for a second - she disliked good furniture being damaged - but not as much as it hurt to remember what had just happened. If she wasn't Gaidar, she'd have Donica. This was all her fault. She snatched the bow and quiver of arrows that stood beside her bed and marched back out of her room again. These were partly responsible for her loss, too - if she hadn't been good with the bow, she wouldn't have been sent into the Blight. Something was going to pay for Donica's absence, and since she couldn't destroy Rysor or Ingrid, or the Aes Sedai, it might as well be everything she owned that had brought her this far. Long ago, in an almost-forgotten lesson, she had learned how to quickly construct a fire. Almost as long ago, in a lesson she would never forget, she had been taught to kindle flames of love - her teacher had been the best there was, for Dillan at least, and now she was gone. While her heart froze for lack of that flame, everything she could find to destroy was going to burn. The woods were almost silent, and it took barely five minutes for her to find a clear spot and dump her bow and quiver. Belatedly, the Gaidar realized that her fancloak would probably burn too. Stalking out of the woods, every muscle quivering with rage and pain, she moved past crowds of trainees heading for their next lesson without even noticing their existence. I belong to the Tower now. She doesn't want me. Her eyes slowly focussed on the figure of a golden-haired woman, twisting one curl around her finger as she watched a smaller girl with the same gold curls train with the quarterstaff. Face solidifying into a stony Gaidin mask, Dillan shifted her weight and stalked silently towards her. I can't be Donica's. Some Aes Sedai will Bond me, and take me away. It would have to be soon, before she could try to fight it. "Briar Rose Sedai." The honorific, in Dillan's flat voice, sounded more like an insult, and the pretty Green sister's face slid into the traditional Aes Sedai mask as she turned to face the Gaidar. Her summer-sky-blue gaze met Dillan's dark stare, not a hint of a wince in the Green's solemn face even when she saw the anger in Dil's eyes. "Yes, Gaidar?" This woman was one of the few who would already know, and care, that she had been raised. Briar Rose had taken an interest in Dillan some time ago, prompted by the then-Sei'Tar choosing to teach a Dance lesson with one of her Novices, and it had been she who first noticed Dil's return to the Tower. In some ways Dillan thought them similar - for a start, it was rumoured that the Assistant Mistress of Novices had once loved a woman, and there were a host of other similarities, from the fact that both had borne a child to the fire in their eyes. But Briar Rose was an Aes Sedai, and thus directly responsible for the pain the Tower was bringing down upon her. It galled Dillan to have to ask a favour of any of the Tower's women, but this was the only way to escape. "Do you know of any Sisters requiring a Warder? One that's going to travel a long way away, very soon, would be favorite, Aes Sedai." Dillan said calmly, ignoring the stab of pain in her heart. I belong to the Tower now. Some Aes Sedai will Bond me. She doesn't want me, not any more. For a moment, the Green sister's mask froze, and then slipped. "Dillan..." she whispered, then slipped her arm through the taller Gaidar's. Her face was suddenly determinedly cheerful, her entire stance casual. Her voice, though, was not. "You and I are going to my rooms," the Aes Sedai hissed, too low for anyone except Dil to hear, "and you are going to explain every bloody detail." "Yes, Aes Sedai." Dillan ground out, her stony expression solidifying further. "Whatever you say, Aes Sedai." Reluctantly, wishing she could fight, she walked along with the determined Green. She doesn't want me. What point is there to me staying here? Doni, oh, Doni... Donica din Tearin It was a good thing that she remembered enough to know how to get out of this place. Even as she turned away from Dillan, even as she felt her heart break, Donica knew that she didn't belong here. This was a foreign house altogether; for all she was aware, it could have been in Tear rather than a mere hundred yards from something she was familiar with. She had felt out of place in the Sei'Tar Barracks, but they hadn't been foreign. I can't imagine Dillan living here, I can't imagine myself here… Oh Light, tell me this wasn't meant to be! She couldn't look back. She wanted to turn around and look Dillan in the eyes, tell her how much she loved her, kiss her and love her and - but she couldn't. She couldn't face the pain. She wouldn't be able to bear seeing Dillan trotting after an Aes Sedai - or anyone not her. She would rather die then have to live through that, to have Dillan at someone else's beck and call. Her body wanted to tremble, to shake, to simply drop and give up. Dil was just down the hallway; it was possible that if she collapsed her strong arms would catch her even before she hit the ground - No. Her mind hissed. It cannot be, Twilla Donica din Tearin. This is for the best. You cannot have her anymore; the Tower owns her life. Even Dillan knew that. You heard her voice… she didn't even try to get you back… Donica turned the corner of the hallway and stopped, just far enough away for Dillan to not be able to see her. She leaned against the wall, breathing hard. "What have I done?" she whispered. "Light… oh Light… oh Dillan…" Images of the fancloth floated into her mind, how it blended into the hallway behind them. In her mind, it seemed horribly alive, like a monster hanging off of her lover's neck. She closed her eyes, willing the apparitions to disappear, to give her a moment of peace. Two weeks of waiting. Twenty days. What had she thought during that time, and how many times had she wished for the very woman she had just abandoned to return? How many times had she wished Dillan to be there so she could kiss her, hold her, caress her, love her… And you left. She forced herself away from the comforting solidity of the wall, just in time to hear a thump and a curse. It was obviously Dillan venting her rage… Donica closed her eyes again, swallowing. Even now, she wanted to go to her and tell her that everything would be perfect, they could live together in peace, that they were free to love one another… But I left. Her feet began to walk, though not necessarily against her will. She had to leave, before Dillan came and found her again, before she could face the fear and the pain. She couldn't stay here, not in this place. Bright sunlight greeted her outside of the Barracks, shining down on her as if its light alone could bring the world to peace once again. Donica tilted her head up and looked at the sky, at the billowing clouds that occasionally floated in front of the sun. She could make it rain, adjust the weather to her mood… But Novices aren't allowed, just like they aren't allowed to love someone, or Bond them… She growled under her breath. For once, this was something that even being Accepted wouldn't fix. If she were Accepted, she could love Dillan - it still wouldn't have been socially acceptable, but at least it wasn't against the rules. Jaren herself had a lover; Donica had seen him. It was allowed… but not for Novices… nothing, for Novices. She wanted to cry. She wanted someone to hold her, to understand, to sympathize with how horrible it felt, how… a lump grew in the back of her throat, but ruthlessly she ignored it. Not yet, at least… She could probably go to Jaren, but the woman didn't know and wouldn't understand. Therran knew, but she would never go to him. The only other person she could possibly think of who would understand was the only other person who had seen them kiss - Briar Rose Aes Sedai. Married. Who had just had her first child a single week ago. Who had supposedly once loved a woman herself. Donica's feet had once again made the decision for her, dragging her off towards the Green wing. Briar Rose might have been in her offices, but at this time of day, she was more likely to be with her son, or husband. What a bitter contrast, her mind muttered. The woman who understands the best is married, to a man and has even borne him a child. Would she ever heal, after Dillan? Would she find another lover, or even a Warder? Her eyes passed over the Gaidin in Training around her for the first time. They were all faceless blurs, but she made herself see them. Young men, young women, not terribly different from Dillan, or Shaun, or even Keir… but they were all strangers. They… Her mind trailed off as she returned her gaze to her own path. She would never find another lover, much less a Warder. Dillan was the only one… even now… She wound her way through the Tower, climbing staircase after staircase. She had to look as purposeful as possible, so that no Aes Sedai would snatch her up to do an errand. Novices weren't often seen in the Aes Sedai quarters, but occasionally one would pop up. Donica didn't turn any heads, and for once, that was a good thing. She finally found the door that had Briar's name on it. She stared at it, marvelling at how similar the plates were for Aes Sedai and Gaidin… but then Donica shook herself, and raised a hand to knock. There was no answer, so she tried again. Still nothing. She turned from the door, feeling her stomach sink. Would she never have someone, ever again? She would have to go and find Jaren, she - Any thoughts Donica had disappeared at the face of the woman who turned the corner. Her feet were glued to the green-hued floor tiles, but she wanted to turn, to run, to hide… to cry… If it hasn't already… oh, Dil, have you? Did Briar Bond you…? The lump in her throat grew two sizes, and tears pricked at her eyes. Dillan and the very Aes Sedai she had been looking for advanced on her, their eyes locking on her small figure almost as one. It occurred to her mind that she should curtsy in the presence of both an Aes Sedai and Gaidar, but she couldn't make her body move. Dillan Gaidar Dillan could feel the tension in her jaw, which had clenched as soon as the Aes Sedai took her arm and hauled her away. Well, not hauled, exactly - the woman was only about Donica's size, and the Light knew Doni could never drag Dillan around. But the Green was determined, and Dil could never disobey an Aes Sedai. Not now, not while she was tied to the Tower. I belong to the Tower now. Her eyes, unfocussed while the Aes Sedai guided her steps, suddenly sharpened again at the sight of a white Novice dress in the hallway. Dillan blinked once, the figure in front of her crystallizing into a very familiar form. She doesn't want me any more. The Aes Sedai at her side let out a hiss, whether of satisfaction or annoyance Dillan wasn't entirely sure, and started marching forward again. Reluctantly, her usual grace destroyed by pain, the Gaidar followed. I belong to the Tower now. "I think you might have some explaining to do." The Green sister announced as they drew closer to Donica. Dillan glanced up at her lover - no, I can't call her that any more - and then just as swiftly looked away. Doni didn't need to see how badly she'd been hurt. No one did, even if this Aes Sedai seemed bent on dragging it out of her. If only she could just stay silent! But if an Aes Sedai commanded...inwardly, Dillan groaned. She would not live through this. Keeping a firm grip on Dillan's sleeve, as if afraid the Gaidar might run away, Briar Rose seemed to concentrate for a moment and then opened the door, gesturing for the Novice to go in. Donica hesitated, then entered, head bowed. Dil tensed, calling on all her control. She did not want to go in there, now. She doesn't want me any more. Why should I stay here? The Green sister followed the Novice, one hand still attached to Dillan's sleeve. Even more reluctant than she had been before, Dil trudged after her, watching the ground as if it might help her. The inside of Briar's rooms seemed warm and comfortable, full of green, but she wasn't going to look up and risk catching Donica's eye. It would be easier for both of them if they didn't see each other again. I belong to the Tower now. She doesn't want me any more. "Right," the Aes Sedai said, and tilted Dillan's chin up. The Gaidar flinched, remembering how she'd done exactly the same thing to Donica scant minutes before, and tried to pull away. Briar didn't let go, just watched her impassively for a few moments and then turned Dil's head towards a chair. "Sit." She commanded, and the Gaidar sat. The Green sister's head turned towards Donica, who seemed stunned by the whole arrangement, and, "sit," she commanded again. Donica obediently moved towards another chair, and the Green took a seat between the two. "Novice," she started, "I don't pretend not to know what's going on between you two. What I want to know is why this Gaidar is coming to me, asking me if I know of any Aes Sedai who need a Warder and are going away very soon, for a very long time. She's an excellent warrior. We need people like her to teach the trainees. Look at her!" The Green's finger shot out to point at Dillan, and the Gaidar flinched again. I belong to the Tower now. "I'm sure it has something to do with you. Most Gaidar don't start tripping over their own feet when they see a Novice, and try to run away. This one suddenly does. I want an explanation from one of you, and I want it now. The Tower cannot afford to lose a Gaidar and have a suddenly silent, useless Novice all in one day." "Leave her alone." Dillan suddenly interrupted, finding her voice. Briar's gaze shot to her, the young Green's face holding a mixture of surprise and pleasure. Donica, too, glanced towards her, looking equally surprised that Dil had spoken. The Gaidar clenched her jaw and kept her gaze on the Aes Sedai. "Leave her alone, Aes Sedai. That's what I'm going to do, after all." I belong to the Tower now. I must obey. She doesn't want me any more. She knew she was supposed to obey, but for once she couldn't find the inner calmness to sit and wait it out. She had sworn to herself that she would give up anything for Donica - anything - and now that vow was being tested. For Donica, she had to give up the Novice herself. Dillan stood, her eyes still not moving from the Aes Sedai, and bowed formally. "By your leave, Aes Sedai," she said, and turned to walk out without waiting for an answer. Donica din Tearin Donica sat. Really, was there anything else she could do? Her insides felt made of lead, and her feet and legs, too. She couldn't move on her own - she had to be told, ushered, or ordered. Just a small Novice, her mind muttered. A small, young, insignificant Novice. That's all I am. I can't hold her, I can't touch her, I can't keep her… she isn't mine… She wasn't sure if Briar had noticed or not, but her eyes had not once left Dillan. And they wouldn't. All she wanted to do was leave, to run, to be alone, to cry… "Novice," Briar Rose Sedai started, staring down at Donica, "I don't pretend not to know what's going on between you two. What I want to know is why this Gaidar is coming to me, asking me if I know of any Aes Sedai who need a Warder and are going away very soon, for a very long time. She's an excellent warrior." Dillan wants to leave for a very long time? Soon? She blinked, and stared back at the Gaidar sitting near her. And I made her do that… "We need people like her to teach the trainees. Look at her!" Donica was already looking, and knew what she would see. Dillan flinched. Excellent warrior… my Dil… I know how strong she is, but I also know how soft… "I'm sure it has something to do with you," Briar continued. "Most Gaidar don't start tripping over their own feet when they see a Novice, and try to run away. This one suddenly does. I want an explanation from one of you, and I want it now. The Tower cannot afford to lose a Gaidar and have a suddenly silent, useless Novice all in one day." They can't, a logical portion of her brain told her. The Tower was larger now than it may have ever been, but… she turned from Dillan to the Aes Sedai, about to protest. "Leave her alone." Donica's eyes shot towards the Gaidar at the exact same instant as the Aes Sedai's did. What is Dillan doing? her mind hissed. She doesn't know how to talk to Aes Sedai! "Leave her alone, Aes Sedai. That's what I'm going to do, after all." The words stung. Donica's mouth writhed, and her stomach did too. Her pain was beginning to turn into anger, that Dillan - and the Aes Sedai, both - could make her go through this; how they could both make it sound like it was her fault! It isn't, she protested silently. Dillan was saying goodbye herself, I had nothing to do with it… She watched as Dillan rose from her chair, and bowed deeply to the Assistant Mistress of Novices. "By your leave, Aes Sedai," she half-growled, and, not waiting for Briar to nod her head, stalked out of the room. Donica could only sit and stare after the Gaidar, her hands gripping her knees so tightly that she wondered if she would have bruises tomorrow. She had completely forgotten about Briar Rose until she cleared her throat. "Well," she said quietly. "Twilla?" Her head whipped around to the Aes Sedai, braids swishing and clicking. "It isn't my fault," she hissed, and bounded to her feet, barrelling towards the door and where Dillan had been just seconds before. She skidded out into the hallway, trying not to slam the door behind her. Dillan was a bare few feet away from the door, but didn't stop to see who was coming out after her. As was to be expected. Donica dashed in front of her, making Dillan stop walking rather ungracefully. The Gaidar glowered down at her. "Let me by, Novice," she muttered. "No." Donica glared back. "Gaidar, you were the one saying goodbye, not I. How elegantly you decide to make it all my fault, and I just loved how Briar Rose decided to side with you. I only left because you were asking me to!" Dillan's eyebrow quirked, but Doni was on a roll and wasn't about to be stopped. "Furthermore, the next time you decide to get an Aes Sedai involved in our business, don't pick one that just had a child a week ago!" Her finger jabbed into Dillan's chest, and the Gaidar took an involuntary step backwards. Donica pressed forward. "I had to wait for weeks while you were gone, not knowing a single thing about where you were, who you were with, if you were coming back or not, whether or not you were dead… so you finally come back today, and already you are resigning yourself to the fate of being Bonded!" Her finger jabbed into Dillan's chest again. "You woolheaded woman, they won't Bond you unless you say yes! And if you were really that true to me, you wouldn't be worrying about saying yes or not. You belong to them, but they don't own you!" Dillan Gaidar "You belong to them, but they don't own you!" Dillan watched the furious Novice in front of her, face impassive. It was taking an extraordinary amount of effort, but she wasn't going to let Donica see how hurt she was. Not that she could feel it much, any more - just as it had before, when Azaria died, something inside her had shut down. Her heart was no more capable of being touched than a stone could burst into flame. "I wouldn't ask you to leave," she said eventually, keeping all emotion out of her voice. Let Donica think her cold-hearted and cruel, it was better than the Novice being hurt any worse than she probably already was. "And I wouldn't want to be Bonded if there were another way to let you be rid of me. You made it all too clear that now I'm a Gaidar," anger flashed into her voice, and she had to pause to calm it again, "now I'm a Gaidar, you don't want me. And why should you? You'll only get in trouble." Donica's lips had tightened almost as soon as Dillan started talking. The Gaidar remained stony-faced, her dark gaze fixing the Novice's. "If they command me," she added, voice still icily calm, "I must obey them. My life is theirs to do whatever they want with." Donica hadn't yet moved her stabbing finger away from the older woman's chest, and now Dillan slowly reached up to fold her hand around the Novice's. "If they say go," she said, tightening her grip, "I must go. If they say be a Warder, I must be a Warder." The pressure on the girl's hand must be hurting by now, but Donica was showing no sign of pain - just anger. "You own my heart. The Tower owns my body and my soul. Don't you see, Donica? I never wanted you to go. But you're the Tower's pawn too. So go. Find yourself a Warder for the future, and forget me." At last Donica gasped, pulling her hand away from Dillan's and massaging it. So she had been hurting. "By your leave, Novice," Dillan added, made a perfunctory bow, and side-stepped the Sea Folk girl. She estimated she had about five seconds before Donica recovered enough to come after her, and she was going to make the most of those five seconds. Marching off down the hallway, she counted under her breath. As expected, there was a sudden scuffle of slippers, and Donica was in her path again. For a few moments, the two stared at each other, and then Dillan bowed again and tried to side-step once more. Donica moved too, though. Dillan watched her calmly, then took the girl by the upper arms and moved her out of her way. Ignoring Doni's gasp - anger, that someone would manhandle her like that? - she kept walking. This was best for both of them. She just had to keep repeating that, and it would be all right. "Stop!" I belong to the Tower now. Dillan's mind growled. I must obey. Reluctantly, she halted, staring into the distance as Donica's footsteps came nearer again. I must obey. But she wanted to keep walking, to find the person who would Bond her and take her away from this bloody Tower. I must obey! Even Donica was part of it. When a Novice commanded, she had to submit to their commands. I must obey. She doesn't want me any more, but I must obey. Donica din Tearin "Stop," Donica hissed. Dillan halted mid-stride, coming to a standstill in the middle of the hallway. Her back and neck were stiff, but that was to be expected. "Turn around," the Novice ordered, and the Gaidar turned, resentment burning in her eyes. Donica took a step forward, her arm coming up to grip Dillan's chin. Her fingers pressed firmly against the Gaidar's skin, not hard enough to hurt, but firm enough to get her way. Dillan couldn't look away, which was what Donica had in mind. Her thoughts had been in turmoil before, but now… now, she knew what she wanted. "Find yourself a Warder for the future, and forget me," Dillan had just said. Find yourself a Warder for the future… Doni remembered looking at the Gaidin in Training around her when she had been in the Training Yards only twenty minutes ago, and also remembered thinking that there was no one out there for her except for Dillan. She hadn't said that about Shaun; and even if she had, she would have known that it wasn't true. She had never thought about spending her entire life with another woman; it had seemed inevitable that she would end up with a male Warder, or husband, or… Dillan, her mind told her. She wanted Dillan. "You told me to find a Warder for the future, and to forget you." She said flatly. It wasn't a question, it wasn't a request, it was a mere statement of fact. Dillan didn't say anything - she couldn't, really, with Donica's hands holding her chin. She removed her hand, and almost cringed at the pinkish marks she had left. Light, she hated hurting Dillan… hated it more than anything else in the world. "Dillan, I can't do both at the same time." The Gaidar blinked, obviously taken aback. Donica pressed on. "I can do one, but not the other…" She trailed off, all determination lost as she studied Dil's eyes. She hadn't seen her for two weeks… two whole weeks… Her chest constricted, threatening tears or - what would be worse - giving her the urge to throw herself into Dillan's arms, say she was sorry, and cry… Light, that's all I ever want to do now, is cry. Why can't I be strong, like her? She closed her eyes, and took a deep, shuddering breath. It would be hard to explain this, and given the current circumstances, even harder. But she had to try. If nothing else, she had to at least try. Being this close to Dillan was killing her. If she was further away, she would have been able to handle this pain, and could leave the Gaidar to her own business; her own life. Even six inches would solve the problem… if she were closer, though, she could kiss and hold her. If she did that, though, Dillan would tolerate it and then push her away, quietly refusing to have anything to do with her, ever again. Words had to come first. She took a deep breath, and began. "Dillan, when I was coming up here, I looked around me at the Gaidin in Training, wondering if I could ever possibly Bond one of them to be my Warder. And, it seems impossible. No, it doesn't seem, it is." Her eyes watched Dillan's expression carefully, hoping that she would soften enough to take these words to heart. If she was still too angry, too hurt, then they would be useless. But she wouldn't give up. She would never give up on Dillan. "I can't Bond any of them, Dil. I don't even think I could have Bonded Shaun. I can't live the rest of my life with someone who isn't you." She took a step backwards, not seeing any change in the Gaidar's expression. Her words were useless, but she couldn't stop, not yet. "Dillan, I want you as my Warder," she whispered. "I just don't know if you can wait that long." Dillan Gaidar I want you as my Warder...I belong to the Tower now...I just don't know if you can wait that long...She doesn't want me any more... Dillan took a deep breath. This was definitely turning out to be one of the most confusing days in her entire life. First Donica said she belonged to the Tower, and this was goodbye, and now the girl wouldn't get out of her way. And having said that it would be too painful to continue, now she was acting like... In her childhood, her elder brothers - particularly Ahern and Brennon, the two eldest - had come home and sat in the children's playroom, holding their littlest siblings and moaning about how incomprehensible women were - always adding 'except for Dillan, of course' at the end of each of their statements. Dillan, the only girl among the eight of them, had always wondered why her brothers didn't understand women at all. Now she knew. And she suddenly wanted the seven boys here to help her try to understand them. Unconsciously, she had started chewing on her bottom lip, something she had always done when something was confusing or annoying her. The Gaidar wasn't quite sure whether Doni was causing confusion or annoyance, and she didn't really want to delve into her feelings. Hadn't she been hurt enough already? Did the Pattern really mean to give her what she wanted for a very short while, then snatch it away again? First Keir - now that had been a cruel method of taking something away - and Azaria, now Donica... "Dillan?" Doni sounded so unsure of herself! The Gaidar found herself about to reach out and enfold the younger girl in a hug, and had to forcibly restrain herself. Donica had been the one to say no. It was not for Dillan to disobey her command. Doni had had plenty of time to think about it, while Dil was in the Blight, and if she was experiencing a moment of weakness now then Dillan couldn't capitalize on it. "Find yourself a Warder for the future, and forget me," she repeated softly. "I'm not what you want, Donica." Her eyes caught Doni's for half a second, then the Gaidar's dark gaze dropped. "By your leave," she said once again, stepping back away before the Novice could give assent or stop her. "Dillan." She'd barely gotten more than a few steps, and now the girl was testing her resolve again. Donica's hand was more firmly attached to her arm than Briar Rose's had been, and Donica was presenting more of a hindrance to her movement than the Aes Sedai. Dillan tried to keep walking, but the Novice seemed to have dug her heels into the floor, and was slowing her pace considerably. "Do you even want me, Dillan? Or are you trying to get rid of me? If you don't want me, then I'll go..." Donica stumbled as Dillan came to a sudden and complete halt, her anger suddenly blazing again. She spun around and grabbed the Sea Folk girl's arms, almost shaking her. Donica's eyes were wide, her expression confused and stunned. Dillan knew her own face must be dark with fury, but she couldn't summon the calmness necessary for a stony expression. "Want you? Do I even want you? I've wanted you since the minute I saw you!" The Gaidar said, in a voice somewhere between a hiss and a growl. "It's you who said she didn't want me. So stop tempting me! I already know I can't have you, you told me that! Leave me alone. I have to get out of here before I go mad from wanting you so badly." Red with combined anger and embarrassment - she hadn't meant to say that - the Gaidar dropped Donica's arms and stalked off. Somewhere out there was an Aes Sedai who was going far, far away - one who needed a Warder. That Warder, if the Light favoured her, was going to be Dillan. Donica din Tearin This was an accident "Want you? Do I even want you? I've wanted you since the minute I saw you!" The Gaidar said, in a voice somewhere between a hiss and a growl. "It's you who said she didn't want me. So stop tempting me! I already know I can't have you, you told me that! Leave me alone. I have to get out of here before I go mad from wanting you so badly." Dillan shouldered by her, and Donica could only let her go, shock still keeping her feet tied to the ground. No, her mind hissed. I will not let you go! Anger suffused her, and for what must have been the fourth or fifth time that day, she got in front of Dillan. The Gaidar paused, but then took a step forward, obviously meaning to sidestep her once again, or lift her out of her way, or… Donica's arm came up, her palm flat, and she slapped Dillan across the face. "Wake up, Dillan al'Tierney," she hissed. "Wake up, look around you, and hear what I am saying." Dillan had stopped her forward movement, and was standing stock still. A red handprint was beginning to show on her left cheek. Donica's stomach churned; she hated hurting Dil, but in this case, it was necessary. Pain was sometimes the only thing that could get a person to wake up. The Gaidar began to move forward again, determination painting her face. I don't want you, her eyes told Doni. You don't want me… But Donica already knew what she was going to do, and Dillan only helped. She stood on tiptoe, her arms winding around and across Dillan's shoulders and neck. She pressed her body as close as possible - there was no way that the Gaidar could not feel every breath she took, and every move she made. It was hard to balance against her with only one pair of arms, but it was possible. A hand curled around Dillan's neck, half-tangling itself in her hair. Donica pressed her cheek against the one that didn't have a glowing red hand print on it, and whispered into Dillan's ear. "It is you I want, and have always wanted. We were meant for each other, Dillan. I don't care how much trouble I get in, or what others say… I don't care about them at all. The only reason why I'm still here is for you, because I can't bear to leave you all alone…" Dillan wasn't budging. Her arms hadn't encircled her waist; she hadn't nuzzled her head into Donica's shoulder; she hadn't done a million little things like she had before. and every time I see you Donica sighed, pressing closer - if that was possible - and rested her chin on Dillan's shoulder. What else could she say, what else could she do? She wasn't convincing the Gaidar, and probably wasn't going to. But she couldn't let go, she couldn't give up… Stop tempting me… I have to get out of here … mad from wanting you so badly… Drawing back her head, she scrutinized Dillan's face. It wasn't fair that she could be so beautiful, so wonderful, so perfect… "Dillan, if you do leave, I won't pick another Warder. I would look for one, but I would be looking for someone exactly like you - and I would never find one. Never. Do you understand that? If nothing else, tell me that you do…" Dillan remained expressionless, her body tensed. The Novice sighed, returning her head to where it had been on the Gaidar's shoulder. She wasn't going to let go, because if she did, Dillan would leave and find an Aes Sedai who could Bond her, and Donica would never see her again. A tear slid out of her eye and dropped onto the older woman's tunic, making a small dark patch. She remembered back, to almost a year ago - or maybe it was more than a year, now? - to when she had cried in Dillan's arms, and had been comforted. She had been homesick, then… but now she was Dillan sick, even though the woman was right there between her arms, as close as she had ever been, though it wasn't voluntary. No, Donica suspected that if Dillan had been allowed to have her way, she would be halfway to Tear by now, riding behind an Aes Sedai who would never know her, never understand her… So many nevers, she thought. When will there be a forever? OOC: The song credits for this post are, in order of appearance, Show Me Love and Malchik Gay by t.A.T.u. Dillan Her cheek stung. Her shoulders were bracing against the added weight of the Novice pulling her down. Despite herself, her arms were wavering, hands wanting to unclench and splay themselves across Donica's back. She was supposed to be a stony Gaidar. Why could one girl reach behind her mask and touch her heart? Was she ever going to be strong enough to keep Donica out? She could feel every breath Donica took, each breath pressing the Novice closer against her. Against her mind's commands, her body wanted to respond and hold the girl close. The Gaidar stood silently, her muscles tense as the unseen battle raged between her mind and body. Donica let out a small sigh, one that would have been heartbreaking if Dillan's heart had still been able to be broken, and nestled her head on the Gaidar's shoulder. Dillan gritted her teeth and bore it like the torture it was. She wasn't going to break again. As if reading her thoughts, Donica lifted her head again to look into Dillan's eyes. The Gaidar kept her expression blank, hoping that Doni would see nothing in her dark gaze. Even when the Novice leaned in and pressed a kiss on her lips, Dillan stayed motionless. How could Donica change so suddenly? First she had been happy to see Dil, then wanted nothing more to do with her, and now... "You need a Warder." The Gaidar said firmly. "Someone who can protect you. Someone who can guard you and guide you. Someone who won't be reaching their last days of strength just as you're allowed to Bond them. You should be looking among the Aethan'Tar." Gently, but without a hint of weakness, she unwound the younger girl's arms from around her neck and stepped away. The look of betrayal on Donica's face would have broken a weaker person, but Dillan wasn't about to give in now. Taking her hands back, she stepped around the Novice again and continued walking. She had not thought the girl would follow her, not now, but after a tiny pause Donica's footsteps resumed. Taking a deep breath, Dillan kept marching. This was going to hurt for a while, but eventually, like the other hurts she had suffered, she could lock it away behind the stone wall that surrounded her emotions. And Donica would be free. She'd find a Warder, just like the other Novices would, and if they didn't then they wouldn't miss what they'd never experienced. "Dillan, why can't you look at me?" The Gaidar came, once again, to a halt. Shutting her eyes, she took a deep breath in and then let it out slowly, opening her eyes as she turned around. Donica was about five paces away from her, her dark eyes solemn. The Novice was chewing on her lip, as if she wasn't sure she should have asked the question. "I can't be your Warder," she said quietly. "You and I both know I can't. Not yet, anyway." To her horror, a tear was forming in the Novice's eye. Dillan clenched her jaw, trying to force her heart to stay numb. She couldn't bear to see Donica cry, particularly not if the tears were her fault. As these ones would be. No matter how much she tried to deny it, she loved the Novice...as Doni, perhaps, loved her. "But if you meant what you said," Dillan added slowly, "if you really meant it..." "I did mean it." Donica hadn't even hesitated. The Gaidar frowned. She'd thought of this, during her journey through the Blight - what better way to make sure the Aes Sedai let her be, until she was ready to be a Warder? No one else would know. She couldn't get Donica in trouble - or at least not any more than they already would be. "Then I will pledge myself to you." Dillan said. Praying to the Light that she wouldn't live to regret this - that Doni wouldn't live to regret this - she stepped forward, and knelt before the Novice. Her Sei'Tar dagger was still in her belt, where it had been since she earned it those three long years ago. Now she drew it out and offered the hilt to Donica. "I will be sworn to you, and be Warder to no other Aes Sedai, unless when you are raised to full Sisterhood you no longer want me." She said softly, not sure whether she wanted to call back the words as she said them. "I am yours, by my hope of salvation and rebirth under the Light." There, it was done, and sworn on the strongest oath she could think of. Better to die, now, than be Bonded by someone else. "I am yours, Donica," she repeatedly quietly, not quite sure whether she wanted to laugh or cry. Donica din Tearin Out of sight "I am yours, Donica," Dillan repeated softly. The Novice took the hilt of the proffered dagger carefully, not wanting to cut Dillan's fingers. You have already slapped her, restrained her, and broken her heart today - you're worrying about cutting her fingers? her mind hissed at her. Her heart swam in guilt, just as her eyes were swimming in tears as salty as the ocean… Her fingers traced the carving of the Flame of Tar Valon, and then handed the dagger back to its owner. Dillan took it, sliding it back into its sheath. Donica sank to her knees just inches before Dillan. Gently, the younger woman reached out to cup the Gaidar's chin in her hand, studying her face. There was no doubt that Dillan had meant what she had said, and there was no doubt in both her heart and mind that she knew what her answer would be. "By my hope of salvation and rebirth under the Light," she whispered, "I promise to hold you ever closest in my heart, to treasure you more than anything else…" Her words stopped of their own accord; her mouth could no longer form the sounds. Dillan looked at her, a small smile curling her lips. With a half-sob, Donica fell into the Gaidar's arms, feeling tears stream out of her eyes. There was nothing that she could do except for kneel and be wracked by silent sobs. Oh, what would have happened if she hadn't followed; if Dillan had kept walking, if… so many ifs. "I want you, Dillan," she finally managed to get out, straightening her back so she could regard the Gaidar with moist eyes. "Oh Light, how I want you…" Dillan leaned down, pressing her lips to Donica's. The Novice almost melted, wrapping her arms around Dil's neck. Light… For the second time that day, a hand snaked itself into the Gaidar's hair, the other splayed across her shoulder. Show me love, show me love, show me
love "Dillan," she said quietly, pulling away just enough to stall the kiss. "Promise me something?" "Mmm?" "Don't bow to me…" Dillan smiled, tightening her grip around the Novice's waist. "Whatever you say, Donica," she whispered, and kissed her again. She had to muffle a giggle, so as not to disrupt the kiss. "Ahem." Donica stiffened at the same time as Dillan did, and turned around sharply, first seeing a pale green dress, then the Aes Sedai above it. She got to her feet quickly, the Gaidar only a second behind her. So, Briar Rose hadn't decided to remain in her rooms until the two women had fully departed - the next question was, how much had she heard? And what was she going to do? I don't care how much trouble I get in, she had told Dillan. But if it took her away from the Gaidar, or the Gaidar away from her? What then? Her mind was racing, and there was very little she could do to slow it down, except to provide something it couldn't leap over. Pledge myself to you… I am yours… Her thoughts stopped entirely, the silence in her head almost deafening. The Aes Sedai was taking her time in eyeing them and coming up with something to say. Her eyes looked from face to face, then she folded her arms and pursed her lips. "I see that you two have solved your… problems." Donica blushed slightly. "Yes, Aes Sedai, we have." Briar's mouth twitched - she seemed halfway between a smile and a frown, and wasn't sure which to choose. Donica prayed for a smile, but then decided that it could be just as bad. Some Aes Sedai enjoyed punishing errant Novices, and almost considered it a pastime. Was the Assistant Mistress of Novices like that? She hoped not… Finally, the Green's eyes shifted over to Dillan. "Then I suggest, Gaidar, that you take this Novice somewhere else. Twilla, given the circumstances, you may have the rest of the day off. I may not be speaking for other Aes Sedai, however." With that, she turned around and swept down the hallway. Donica turned back to her lover. "I think, Dillan Gaidar, that means that we are to return to somewhere private… your room, perhaps?" OOC: Song credit: 30 Minutes and Show Me Love by t.A.T.u. Dillan "I think, Dillan Gaidar, that means that we are to return to somewhere private...your room, perhaps?" The Aes Sedai had barely moved five metres, and Donica had already recovered from their near-death experience - enough so that she had caught Dillan's hand and was pulling her back towards the Gaidin barracks. Dil followed, merely because it meant they were moving away from Briar Rose, and she knew she'd heard the Green sister muffle a giggle at Donica's decision. "Why would we want to go to my -" Dillan started to ask, and was interrupted by Donica suddenly stopping, and the Novice's arms slipping around her neck again. For a moment, her thoughts were shattered as the younger girl kissed her, and then all she could come up with was a slightly breathless, "oh." "Briar Rose will know where we are," she cautioned. "I'm not sure her generosity extends to willfully turning a blind eye when she knows exactly where we are." Reluctantly - very reluctantly - she held the Novice back, slowing their progress through the halls down. "Doni, someone's going to see us and guess what's happening. You'll get in trouble." Why did she have to be the voice of reason? She wanted a few more private moments just as much as Donica did, but she could already see they weren't going to get them. Even Briar Rose couldn't purposefully leave a Novice and her lover alone in the Gaidin barracks for an entire afternoon. "Doni..." The Novice had stopped, since she couldn't very well drag the slightly heavier Gaidar down the halls, and now stepped back into Dillan's embrace, almost as if she were afraid of being rejected again. Dillan held her tight for a few minutes, then slipped an arm around Donica's shoulders and steered her off. "If she knows where we are," she explained, "she'll have to come and make sure we're behaving. But if she doesn't know where we are..." Donica giggled, and Dillan grinned down at her. "There's a few hideouts," she said quietly, "out in the woods. All the Sei'Tar and Gaidin know about them, and I suppose a few Novices do too, but the Aes Sedai don't seem to find out. I expect they know where they are, but pretend they don't...and Briar Rose won't come looking for us there." As if by accident, she let her arm slide down the Novice's back to around her waist, idly stroking a finger along the fabric. Donica shivered, glancing upwards, and Dillan smiled innocently back at her. They strolled out through the gardens of the Tower and past the Gaidin barracks, Dillan leading the way to a place she'd come across by accident during a Woods lesson. Jialyn, ever the flighty one, had explained its purpose to a blushing Dil, and she hadn't thought she'd need to escape to here. But with an Aes Sedai watching her room - as the Green would be doing - and the person she loved a Novice, this seemed the best place to be. No one to hear them talking, no one to interrupt the few precious minutes they could spend together. Just to be in Donica's company was perfection, perfection which was shattered every time the younger girl was sent off to do a chore. "Here," the Gaidar said, pulling aside a heavy branch, and gesturing to the little hidey-hole behind it. The sweeping branches of the tree made a natural shelter, pine needles providing a soft floor. Donica ducked to enter, and Dillan followed her, settling down to face her lover as soon as the branch swept back into place. "Where to start?" Dil said thoughtfully. Donica looked at her curiously, and the Gaidar grinned and reached out to stroke a finger down her lover's side. "After all," she added, "we have a lot to talk about." Donica din Tearin "Here," Dillan said, holding back a branch for Donica. The Novice eyed the tree doubtfully, but went in. She trusted Dillan, but it was like nothing she had ever seen before. For one, the tree had needles on its branches, instead of leaves. Second, it smelled… strange, and pungently, but not in an unpleasant way. The instant she stepped in behind the branches, something soft cushioned her feet - looking down in surprise, she saw short orange needles. Doni sat down on them, curling her legs under her. They were surprisingly comfortable, if slightly damp. There wasn't much room between the branches and the tree - it was a bigger tree than she had ever seen before, but still, that wasn't saying much. As Dillan sat down, there was just enough room for them to be able to sit cross-legged, facing each other. Of course, Donica had no intentions of sitting like that… "Where to start?" The Gaidar asked with a thoughtful expression. Doni tilted her head at her, making Dillan smile and run a finger down her side. It sent shivers up her spine. "After all, we have a lot to talk about." Through floating forests in the air
She caught Dillan's hand at her waist, bringing it up to her mouth to kiss her palm. "I don't mind if we don't say much at all," she replied quietly. Dillan's expression was slightly amused, and half concerned. Donica's mouth quirked as she kissed each of the sword-calloused fingers in turn. "But talk is a start, I suppose, and a start is what we need." Gently, the Gaidar shook off her kisses, and moved her hand so she could touch Donica's cheek. Her hand was so gentle, and the touch ended up being an embrace. Doni quite happily snuggled against Dillan, half-curled on her lap, but the majority of her weight still on the needles. The Gaidar's back was to the tree-trunk, now, both arms encircling her younger lover. "Not much has happened here in the two weeks that you were gone," Donica began. "Life in the Tower goes on as normal, no matter what. I think that even with a war waging around us, the Aes Sedai would insist that Novices still go to classes and chores." She sighed, lamenting over the injustices induced upon her rank. "My studies have been progressing, but I doubt that you would find much of it interesting - in fact, you probably know all of it already. The Aes Sedai seem to be filling all of the gaps in my head about the shorebound as they can find… and picking my head about the Atha'an Miere. "I have made a new friend, though," she added thoughtfully. "An Accepted… Jaren." Donica knew that Dillan's head had tilted, so she turned and kissed the exposed skin of her lover's neck. "Jaren's interesting - I think you'd like her." She thought about more adjectives she could use to describe the Accepted, but came up with very few. "Her way of thinking is different from everyone else's, like mine tends to be. And she has the strangest of ideas, sometimes… I understand them, for the most part - after she explains them to me and after I've thought about them for a while, anyway - but for some reason I think that her thinking might get her in trouble one day. Her theories about the Dark One are… intriguing." Dil's eyebrows were furrowing together, making Donica sit up straighter to regard the other woman. "I'll find her, sometime, so you can talk with her…" For some reason, that made the Gaidar relax. Donica smiled, but it was only a half-hearted attempt. She adjusted herself so that she was leaning against Dillan's folded legs, and was reminded of a time, nearly two years ago, when she had sat like this with Shaun. She grimaced, firmly removing the memory from her mind. Light, that was all she needed now - her few precious moments with Dillan spoiled with thoughts of him. She studied her hands as they stretched over the older woman's abdomen, eyes tracing the dark tattoos over the back of her palms. A seagull, a moon, star, and waves - or maybe it was wind? She had never been sure - forming into a leaf, or maybe it was a stylized flower… Wind Blossom were the only words that she had ever used to describe it. Wind Blossom had been her grandmother's salt name… Blow a kiss, I run through air See me here in the air Shaking her head to dispel the thoughts that were getting steadily worse, she returned her attention to Dillan. "But for now, love, I'm sure you have stories to tell me… what was the Blight like?" OOC: Song credit: Clowns (Can You See Me Now?) by t.A.T.u. Dillan "But for now, love, I'm sure you have stories to tell me… what was the Blight like?" Donica asked, pausing in her contemplation of her tattooed hands to look up at the Gaidar's face. Dillan gazed back into the Sea Folk girl's dark eyes, mirror images of her own, and realized she wasn't going to be able to tell her all of it. In truth, she probably shouldn't tell Donica much at all. Gently, the young Gaidar reached out to stroke a stray braid back behind Donica's ear, tracing the contours of the girl's cheek as she withdrew her hand. Her skin was so soft, compared to Dillan's roughened hands... "It was hot," she said slowly. "Hotter than anything I've ever experienced before. Not just heat like here, either, Doni - it's like the energy is being drained out of you, and there's nothing you can do to get it back. I think Shayol Ghul must feel like the Blight...humans were never meant to go there." Donica, looking into her eyes, shivered. Dillan resolved not to tell her about the killer trees. It was bad enough being told the woman you loved had been sent into the Blight, no doubt, without the addition of her nearly being eaten alive by plants. Come to think of it, they were sheltering under a tree just now... Now that the world isn't ending "Trollocs captured me, at one stage. But I got away safely." Others weren't so lucky, she added mentally, and pulled Donica close to reassure herself that the younger girl was alive and well. The Novice didn't seem at all displeased, pressing against Dillan and tilting her head back to receive the kiss Dil was just as eager to give. "And I wasn't too far from the Blightborder at the time, so I survived the Blight..." Pay the price and be proud you've paid it, that's what I reckon. I don't care how far "...and the whole way," she added softly, "all I wanted was to make it back safely to you." "You did." Donica replied, equally softly, and smiled at Dillan's half grin. The Novice squirmed upwards again, until she was nestled in her lover's lap, and rested her head on the older woman's shoulder. Dillan curled her fingers through Doni's braids, arranging and rearranging them just because the movement made Donica snuggle closer. "Yes," she agreed. "I did." Forsaking the Novice's braids, Dillan wound both arms around the younger girl's waist to draw her body as near as it could be. She had all she wanted, now - every dream had been fulfilled, except for the one about a husband and brood of happy children. That dream would never be realized, but the rest - revenge, someone to love and share her life with, and to become the best warrior she could be - had been. And, Dillan reflected, she'd rather have her Donica than a marriage and children. She smiled gently and pressed a kiss onto the top of the younger woman's head. "And it's better than anything else I ever wanted." Dillan added softly, and felt Donica's smile against her chest. OOC: Hooboy. From the top. Hero, by Chad Kroeger. "Pay the price..." from Darkness, Be My Friend by John Marsden. Go The Distance, from Disney's Hercules. Donica din Tearin Donica was… thoughtful. In her time at the Tower, she had attended lessons daily, on various subjects. History, studies of countries, cultures, the Tower itself… one lesson she had been to had been all about the Dark One, what was known about the Forsaken, and Shadowspawn. There had been a brief lecture about the Blight and what it contained - mostly heat, they had said, Trollocs, and nothing suitable for humans to live off of or to survive in. Trees that tried to eat you, killer worms, animals that no one had ever seen before… all in all, Donica decided, it was perhaps better that she hadn't known where Dillan was. If she had, she would have been driven mad by worry and apprehension - as it was, she had just been unable to concentrate on anything for more than five minutes. Dillan was back, now. She was here, in flesh and blood, with her arms around Donica - in truth, the world could not seem to get much better than this. The Novice was happy, content, and loved. In her opinion, there was no woman or man in the whole Tower that could rival the one she had - Dillan seemed to be too perfect, sometimes, much too perfect to be real. But she is, she thought smugly. She is, and she's mine! The Gaidar's arms encircled her waist as Donica snuggled even closer - if it was possible - and trailed a finger across the neckline of her shirt. Dil had been home long enough to get washed up and to trim her hair, which probably meant only one night. I was captured by Trollocs… Energy is being drained out of you… She shuddered. Never in her life did she want to go to the Blight, never again did she want Dillan to have to go. Even if it got her the fancloak - even if it got her freedom… Would you go, if it meant that you were free? she asked herself. Would you go, if it meant that you could Bond Dillan? And for Dillan, she would go. For Dillan, she would do anything. As her finger traced, it caught on a bump. Donica frowned - before Dillan's departure, it had simply been smooth skin. Moving the fabric away just slightly, she caught the sight of a scab that hadn't even started healing. Gingerly, she removed herself from Dillan's lap, and frowned down at the Gaidar's body. "What is it, Doni?" the older woman asked, concern creasing her brow. "Dillan…" her voice trailed off, not entirely sure what she should be saying. Instead, she returned her finger to the Gaidar's collar, and traced the cut through the fabric. Dil didn't twitch, but her expression darkened. Donica could sense that it was somehow her fault, so she leaned forward and kissed her lover softly on the lips. "I think, love," she whispered after pulling away, "that you had a harder time than you made it sound just then. You are my Dillan, and you have returned - but you are also Dillan Gaidar, and you weren't a Gaidar when you left. Something happened up there to make you into a Sister to Battle" - she pressed a finger to Dillan's lips as she opened her mouth - "no, if you don't want to tell me, then you don't have to. In all honesty, it was probably better for me to not know what you were doing - I would have suffered ten times worse from the apprehension. But you are stronger now, Dil. You have always been strong, but…" How to explain it? The difference was minute, and she had only seen it when her finger had traced the wound, and she realized that Dillan had been through worse than she was revealing. I don't want to know, but I almost do… And now that she looked, her lover was stronger - maybe not physically, but now she knew her limits. Dillan knew how far she could push herself, what her body could do… not only had she proven herself worthy of the fancloth to the Tower, but she had proven it to herself, too. But at what cost? Even more gingerly than before, Donica's hands trailed lightly over Dillan's abdomen, almost fearing what she would touch. There were very few ridges there, like the one on her collarbone, but more than she would have been able to tolerate. And if there were that many scrapes and cuts, how many bruises and sore muscles would there be…? "Dillan," she said quietly. "It is my opinion that you should be in bed resting and healing, not curling up under a tree." Again, she silenced her lover with a finger. "Briar Rose can't punish me if we're not doing anything, can she? She would have before, if that was her intention." "But, Doni…" The Novice shook her head gently. "I have you, Dil. You're home, you're safe, you're mine…" Her smile was happy - what else could it be? "But you still need to be cared for. And thankfully, I know that you have massage oil, and I don't doubt that you need one." "But," Dillan protested again, "It's not in my new quarters…" "Then I can help you move," Donica replied with a grin, then leaned forward to kiss her lover teasingly. My Dil… she's home… Dillan "Doni. Put the bag down." Dillan ordered, and would have gestured to the ground to add to her meaning if she hadn't hoisted the other two bags over her shoulders. Donica had fussed over her carrying those two, and was now absolutely refusing to let Dillan carry the last one. The Gaidar frowned at Doni, who merely quirked an eyebrow in reply and bounced off out of the room. In truth, the bag wasn't so very heavy, and Dil could have carried it easily, but Donica was obviously feeling stubborn. And fussy. "Doni..." she warned, following the younger girl out of the room that had once been hers. "I can carry it. You know I can. I'm meant to be a Gaidar! What do you think all the Gaidin will think of a Novice carrying my bags around?" "That you've got an exceptionally well trained Novice," her lover's voice floated back. Donica showed no signs of slowing down, either. Dillan sighed, rolled her eyes, and followed, one bag in either hand. Her bow was still out in the woods, and might just stay there until someone else found it. Her sword was already in her room - it had been the first thing in, placed there to indicate that the room was taken. To Dillan's delight, she'd even been able to choose her room. The barracks were starting to fill up, but even so Dillan had been able to find a room she liked. It wasn't as large as some of the others, but that was all right - she didn't think she'd spend much time in her room. She hadn't as an Aethan'Tar or Sei'Tar, after all, and now she was Gaidar. The main considerations had been finding somewhere secluded, somewhere where a Novice - or Accepted, or Aes Sedai in years to come - could slip in without too many prying eyes. And she had found that, a place where not many people went, one where she and Donica could feel safe. "Doni, slow down! You're not supposed to know where the room is." Dillan called after her lover. "Most Novices haven't memorized the location of a Gaidar's room after one visit, you know..." Doni didn't appear to be listening, though. Dillan fought back a smile and continued trailing after the Novice. Donica hadn't listened when she protested that she felt perfectly fine, either. Come to think of it, Doni wasn't paying much attention at all to Dillan when it came to the matter of her health. The younger girl seemed convinced she knew what was best. The problem was that normally she was right. "Wicked child," Dillan muttered. "Just wait until I get my hands on her..." "I look forward to it," Donica purred. Dillan looked up in surprise. She had been sure that there was still a way to go before her room came up...but then, she supposed she'd been daydreaming. Not hard, when most of your dreams included Donica. The Novice stepped back to let her into the room, and Dillan let her bags slip to the ground with a sigh of relief. The bed - a double bed, which made Dil grin mischievously again - had been made up with sheets, blankets and quilt, but the rest of the room was near bare except for the cupboard in one corner. That still had her fancloak in it, and that cloak would probably remain there for the foreseeable future. Dillan wanted nothing more to do with it. To shake the thoughts from her mind, she reached out for Donica, pulling the younger girl close and running skilful hands up and down her sides to make her giggle. The Novice laughed helplessly, squirming in Dillan's arms until the Gaidar let her go. A mock frown appeared on the Sea Folk girl's face, and Dillan put on her very best innocent expression. "So, mistress Donica," she said, hoping to avoid the massage - the oil would sting her grazes, and much as she wanted to feel Doni's hands on her skin again, pressing on bruises would hurt - but also hoping to keep the Novice near for as long as she could, "what next?" Donica din Tearin "So, mistress Donica," Dillan asked, a mischievous smile painting her face, "what next?" The Novice grinned, stepping back into the older woman's arms and wrapped her hands around the back of her neck. "Well… that depends on what you want to do," she said quietly, then kissed her lover teasingly. "Of course…" She grinned. "It isn't like you have much choice in the matter." "You're horrible," Dillan breathed. "Ah, but it's one of my charms," Donica explained, twining her fingers in Dil's and leading her towards the bed. She looked from the Gaidar to the quilt again, thoughtfully, then let go and flopped onto the bed herself. Dillan looked on curiously, obviously wondering what the Atha'an Miere Novice was up to. Doni stretched out on the fabric, tensing and relaxing her muscles. This was, she reflected, the first time she had ever been on a bed so big. Her bed on Wind Talker had only been a bunk and her Novice cot wasn't much bigger. Slowly, she returned to her feet, and grinned up at the still-puzzled expression. "I haven't ever been on one so big before," she explained again. "Had to try it out for the first time." "There will be more than one time, love…" Donica giggled as Dillan's arms wrapped around her waist again, and for several moments she was quite content to kiss and be kissed. Light, how she had missed Dillan; her fresh scent, like the cedar trees that she had seen occasionally. The captain on the ship she and Shaun had taken to Tar Valon had shown her a sprig of cedar - or maybe it had been a pine? - and she had been in love with the scent from the first. It was so foreign and so different, but entrancing. She breathed in deeply, just content to have Dillan all around her. I want your arms - all around me, Eventually, she pushed away just far enough so that Dillan wasn't distracting her with small caresses and kisses. There would be time enough for that. The Gaidar caught her more serious look, and tilted her head quizzically. "You, love, need some care after the Blight. Why you haven't gone to the Yellows, I don't know…" she frowned at Dillan. "But I suppose that just leaves me more to care to. Which could be worse." She kissed Dil on the lips, then moved briskly over to the bags that had been brought into the room and left rather unceremoniously on the floor. Tugging the closest one to her, she began to look for the small jar of ointment that every Sei'Tar had - and Gaidar or Gaidin, come to think of it. Donica had applied the stuff to Dillan before, after she had had a bad bout with someone vastly her superior. The need for her to do that had grown less and less, over the last few months, and she doubted that she would have to do it at all in the years to come. A vaguely satisfying thought. After a few minutes of rooting through the bags, Donica found the clay jar, and held it up triumphantly. The massage that had occurred to her would have to wait - the ointment truly would be better for Dillan at this moment in time. The Gaidar looked amused, even more so when Donica climbed onto the bed and settled herself cross-legged on it. "You need someone to look after you, Gaidar," she informed Dillan. "And I intend to do it. The Aes Sedai must care for her Warder as much as her Warder cares for her." It was quite possible that that was untrue; but Donica didn't care. When Dillan was her Warder - when, not if - it would be true. OOC: Song credit: All Around Me by Savage Garden. Dillan When moonlight crawls along the street
"I'm fine, Donica," Dillan protested, although she was starting to be certain that Doni wasn't going to listen to her. Wasn't a Gaidar supposed to know whether she was all right or not? It wasn't like Donica was inside her skin - not yet, anyway. Dillan made a face at the thought of how much the younger girl would fuss if, one day, they were Bonded, and she could feel every scrape and bruise. She was going to spend the rest of her life in the infirmary with Donica scolding her. "Doni, come on..." But Donica was firmly tugging at Dillan's tunic, and the older woman had to surrender to her care. With a deep sigh, the Gaidar let Doni pull her tunic over her head and set to unbuttoning her shirt. There, though, she caught the Novice's hands for one more try at stopping her. Donica looked up at her, her expression one that Dillan knew all too well meant she was determined to get her own way, and then shook away the older woman's hands and kept unbuttoning the shirt. And all I have to do is hold you The white linen didn't fall far before Donica caught it, and the two women tussled over the shirt briefly before Dillan won control. Under the Novice's disapproving eye, she folded it after a few seconds' pause to gauge whether she could put it back on again. Her stance had come to be stronger, since she had left - she had noticed the difference in the way she carried herself, the infamous feline grace of the Gaidin making its way into her bones. Doni had noticed it too, looking her now-half-naked lover up and down before walking around to inspect Dillan's back. The Gaidar's muscles tensed - she knew that scrapes and bruises would still show on her body. No one could go into the Blight and come back unscathed, and she was lucky to have received no worse wounds than she had. "Dillan..." The word escaped Donica in a whisper, one feather-light finger tracing the rip the bandit's dagger had left in her back. Dil tipped her head back, gritting her teeth so as not to make a noise. It was healing, if slowly, and so long as she didn't lean on it it was fine. Even as she leant on the tree, she'd unconsciously favoured her right side, making sure the cut wasn't pressed against the wood. If she'd been faster, she wouldn't have been hurt. Donica wouldn't have had to see that she was fallible... The moonlight plays upon your skin "Why didn't you go to the Yellows?" Donica asked, slipping around to face Dillan again. Dillan tilted her head forward again as quickly as she could, so that her red hair would fall forward and hide the white bandage she'd fashioned for the mark on her forehead. That one might leave a scar - Trollocs were very strong, and a single blow from a clawed animal hand could do a lot of damage, even to one who was very nearly Gaidar. But Donica caught the movement, darting forward to brush Dillan's fringe back. Her other hand caught Dil's as the Gaidar tried to stop her, and then skilful fingers pulled the bandage back. "I'm a Gaidar, Donica..." Dillan winced as the Novice's gentle touch made her head give a twinge of pain. "They're not so bad, and the Yellows have to keep their energy up so they can Heal those who are much worse - ow!" She swatted at Donica's hand, then hissed between her teeth when the Novice looked firmly at her and went back to dabbing the stinging ointment on her forehead. "Doni..." Dillan complained, even though she knew Donica was determined to 'look after' her. "Doni, it'll heal by itself." Breathe in, breathe out Whatever it was the Novice said, it sounded remarkably like 'fool woman'. Dillan stared solemnly ahead, trying not to flinch every time the ointment touched a sensitive cut. There were a lot of them - but they would heal by themselves, she didn't need a Yellow. She didn't need Donica to tend to them, either, but the younger girl didn't seem as if she was going to stop, and the Gaidar couldn't exactly complain about the butterfly-light skimmings of Doni's hands across her body. All she'd wanted since she left was to be held, after all. "There," Donica said at last, tightening the lid on the jar. Dillan looked around at her hopefully, and wasn't disappointed. "All done." Much as it wasn't right for a Gaidar to show any type of relief, she still let out a happy sigh. It wasn't that she disliked Doni touching her, but that ointment had really stung. What she disliked was the way Donica flinched every time she did, as if their pain was somehow connected. Maybe she shouldn't be a Warder, after all - how would she ever survive her Aes Sedai being hurt? Worse, how to survive Donica being hurt? She would kill for the girl, or die for her if need be. "Doni, no more, please?" Dillan almost begged. "I'm fine. I swear I'm fine. All I want is you...just talk to me, stay with me, and I'll be fine. That's the best way you could look after me...tell me about the sea, tell me about what's happened in the Tower, tell me anything, just stay here with me." Nobody knows you like I do OOC: Zee song is Insatiable, by Darren Hayes.
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